Cigarettes smoked: four
1 out of bed
2 because I was procrastinating
3 because I was with a friend
4 because it was a late night at work and I needed something to keep me going
- - - - -
Sometimes I feel like I'm doing the wrong degree. I'm currently studying a conjoint law and arts degree. I wish I was doing engineering and commerce. Or science. I don't know. Law and arts really aren't that useful when it comes to employment. I'm unsure whether this is me trying to do too many things at once again, but either way, I've closed too many doors to try and reopen them again.
My dad is selling his house. He's also disowned my brother.
I've decided I will try and write here more regularly again. I found that writing in the past has really helped me process my thoughts - as well as finding it particularly useful for 'remembering' what has happened in my life. Writing here will largely be for the purposes of documentation; comment if you wish - I was reading through my journals and I have found some advice rather useful.
A number of things have happened over the past few months. I guess just two things to update before I go to bed - it's almost 4.00am
I have been seeing someone. I do not think he is the one; but I wish he were.
When it is November, the BF and I have decided to go somewhere together, probably Australia. None of this bullshit, no emergency meetings, politics, assignments, all drugged up on coffee. We would be staying up late for the right reasons, and dancing in a city full of strangers. I like big cities, there are so many people, it is so much more intimate, over here there is no privacy. Right now that sounds like paradise. I'm liking him more and more everyday. He looked so good in his suit last night. We were just dancing and a guy asked us whether we got married last night.
I don't know what's going on, but I've been sleeping way too much lately. I worry about everything, and today I didn't want to see anyone, I didn't event want to leave the house to go to the dairy. But at the same time I was really hungry, so I forced myself to leave the house and paced around the city for a while. I hardly got any work done. I have very little motivation for things, all I do is worry about what's next. I have so much work to do. I wish it was the holidays, all I want is to relax and hang out with friends, go for a run, and hang out with my boyfriend.
Man I'm getting old. I'm turning 21 next month. I can't believe it. I think I started writing here when I was 13? 14? Time really flies. High school seems like yesterday. I'm half way through college. I have a salaried job next year, I guess that day has come - it's almost underwhelming. I'm stepping into the real world and starting to see the nasty in it for yourself side of people. I'm starting to get too tired to party, I can hardly do two nights in a row. I am drinking at least three cups of coffee a day.
One of the weirdest nights of my life. Boyfriend is out of town, ex turns up to the same party I'm at and ended up hanging out with him until now - almost six in the morning.
He told me, quoting that stupid Robyn song, "the only way your heart will mend is when you learn to love again".
I got a salaried part time job for next year. A bit nervous and a bit excited at the same time. The first step towards getting a "real" job. Will still study almost full time next year. This will be a challenge but I've worked it out.
Life is so hard sometimes.
It's so hard to meet the right person, sometimes I feel I will never be able to find him. Still with the same boy from a month ago, but things have gotten a little dull. I've told him I wanted to take things slow, and I have. The thing is, he just isn't terribly important to me. He says funny and witty things sometimes, but I still find him kind of boring, there isn't this real natural interaction when it comes to him. He's nerdy and kind of shy, which is nice, but I feel he is embarassed by that and wants to prove that he isn't such which totally makes what is a turn-on a complete turn-off.
The idea of becoming fully financially independent both scares me and excites me. It is very easy to become accustomed to a certain quality of life, or the "norm" and refuge that families or government grants provide, but such things are transient or are additional; they come due to the good grace of humanity, and I'm no longer a child. It feels like only yesterday, I am a teenager with a sense of entitlement to the income of my parents, and to an extent that perception of entitlement can unfortunately pervade itself through one's life.
It's quite late, and I should really go to bed, I have to catch a flight tomorrow morning, and it's really quite cold, I don't even want to leave my bed, let alone the apartment.
I was thinking about things I need to work on, personality wise, regarding myself. I've boiled them down to two main things: