I don't know what's going on, but I've been sleeping way too much lately. I worry about everything, and today I didn't want to see anyone, I didn't event want to leave the house to go to the dairy. But at the same time I was really hungry, so I forced myself to leave the house and paced around the city for a while. I hardly got any work done. I have very little motivation for things, all I do is worry about what's next. I have so much work to do. I wish it was the holidays, all I want is to relax and hang out with friends, go for a run, and hang out with my boyfriend.
Man I'm getting old. I'm turning 21 next month. I can't believe it. I think I started writing here when I was 13? 14? Time really flies. High school seems like yesterday. I'm half way through college. I have a salaried job next year, I guess that day has come - it's almost underwhelming. I'm stepping into the real world and starting to see the nasty in it for yourself side of people. I'm starting to get too tired to party, I can hardly do two nights in a row. I am drinking at least three cups of coffee a day.
One of the weirdest nights of my life. Boyfriend is out of town, ex turns up to the same party I'm at and ended up hanging out with him until now - almost six in the morning.
He told me, quoting that stupid Robyn song, "the only way your heart will mend is when you learn to love again".
I got a salaried part time job for next year. A bit nervous and a bit excited at the same time. The first step towards getting a "real" job. Will still study almost full time next year. This will be a challenge but I've worked it out.
Life is so hard sometimes.
It's so hard to meet the right person, sometimes I feel I will never be able to find him. Still with the same boy from a month ago, but things have gotten a little dull. I've told him I wanted to take things slow, and I have. The thing is, he just isn't terribly important to me. He says funny and witty things sometimes, but I still find him kind of boring, there isn't this real natural interaction when it comes to him. He's nerdy and kind of shy, which is nice, but I feel he is embarassed by that and wants to prove that he isn't such which totally makes what is a turn-on a complete turn-off.
The idea of becoming fully financially independent both scares me and excites me. It is very easy to become accustomed to a certain quality of life, or the "norm" and refuge that families or government grants provide, but such things are transient or are additional; they come due to the good grace of humanity, and I'm no longer a child. It feels like only yesterday, I am a teenager with a sense of entitlement to the income of my parents, and to an extent that perception of entitlement can unfortunately pervade itself through one's life.
It's quite late, and I should really go to bed, I have to catch a flight tomorrow morning, and it's really quite cold, I don't even want to leave my bed, let alone the apartment.
I was thinking about things I need to work on, personality wise, regarding myself. I've boiled them down to two main things:
This boy is seriously just too adorable.
I honestly can't wait to see him again. I want to cuddle him and make love to him over and over again.
We are going on a dinner date soon.
"Oh stop it you're making me all warm and fuzzy on the inside."
"Now my goal is to make you all warm and fuzzy on the outside too!"
Gonna try and keep this short, but just went on date with a SUPER cute guy. He's the really cheeky type but also very genuine at the same time, and I think I like him more than I thought I did. He's really quite honest about how he feels about me too, not too many mind games, man he is so adorable.
This is all fiction. Any resemblances to real life are purely coincidental.
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Holy mother of God I need a God damn reality check; I need to start seeing reality. Feel it with all its perfections and imperfections. Holy fuck what am I going with my life. Oh my God, what have I been thinking.
This is a journal about drugs.
None of the glorification, or exagerations. Just events.
I could close my eyes, but I could not shut out the thoughts in my head. They were not depressing thoughts, or by any means important, but they simply materialised as this cascading chain that followed one another. At one point I could vividly "play" a game of tetris in my mind, I could remember the position of each block, piling up in lines one by one, and the squares even carried their own separate colours.
Met a boy. He is cute. Should've been more forward. Not sure if he was keen. We talked for ages though. We talked about so much. He is really cute. I have a chronic fear of rejection that it probably almost becomes self-fulfiling. I always rationalise and think if someone's right for me it'll happen anyway. It's probably weird thinking about this, but I hope he's not the type that sleeps around with randoms (too much). I probably just rambled and rambled at him. It's probably best that nothing happens, the whole thing scares me, but wow I haven't felt like this about a guy for ages.