It's getting really late and I should really get to bed... but I feel like I must throw bits of brain on here before I do.
I would just like to start by saying I'm not depressed, nor are things out of control. Albeit some things are, but they are secondary... I'm more concerned with simply recounting... evaluating a sort of 'emptiness' (without a better word) I'm feeling.
In fact, things are going very well.
Socially, things are great. I've gone out everyday, caught up with friends, met many new people in the holidays. There are no dramas. I feel 'loved'.
I love international tournaments. I'm back from Australs 2010. The five star hotels, the suits, the lavish dinners, the pretentious functions, the interesting people I met, the drunk hookups, the self-conceited arrogance of me and many others. We were spoilt, and every connection seemed simple yet consequential. We were absolutely wonderful.
There were over 450 people. Every sort of person was there, so I thought there's got to be a few gays around.
Um... I can't stop listening to California gurls... like SERIOUSLY
I'm trying to learn German right now. My grammar sucks shit right now, but apparently I'm picking it up quite fast according to my German friends. Man I want to learn every single language out there. Any German speakers here?
woke up one morning and started vomitting. slept in the whole day
thot i was pregnant... except i'm not a girl
its ok now. i'm stil alive
I volunteered to host/translate/interpret for the food festival at the Auckland museum today AND I also sang in a choir at the local library
I deserve a medal for being such a good citizen
I've been doing nothing but study for the past week. I just had the most important exam of my life. Sort of. It's worth 20% of entire year's score. All my three other exams this semester is worth 5%, which means all three of them combined will still not balance a bad grade for that test. So I better have not fucked it up lol. Average for getting into second year law is an A-... I'm sitting around A right now... except I can't get too comfortable. Already 500 people dropped out of the original 1300 for second semester... they still need to get rid of 500 people...
At first I felt 'good' because I did a whole afternoon's study for this very important exam.
But then - Winter's cold and miserable. I'm sick. I have the exam on Friday. I went to my friend's work and got drunk which I shouldn't have. I'm going to forget everything. Now all that just adds up to guilt. I'm going to sleep.
Just when I'm about to go to sleep I thought of something.
Why am I so judgemental? I look down on stupid people. I look down on pretentious people, especially those who have long conversations on facebook. Thing is I used to do that too, now I stopped. I judge fat people, even though I know it's not always their fault. I judge so many things. I judge people's hair, people's clothes, people's noses, how they speak, the way they walk, the people they hang with.
Coke zero blurs my vision... or maybe I'm just tired. I was reading Lolita, it's so brilliantly written. I wish I could write like that, sometimes it leaves me disturbed and breathless at the same time.
So I had a haircut. Now it's very short down the front. The fringe's gone but the mullet is still going. I decided to keep the sideburns and I redyed it auburn again. I also got highlights but they're not showing through, but it doesn't really matter.
FUNNY AS HELL.
LOL THE PUPPET SEX SCENE ALMOST KILLED ME.
The government finally sent through my scholarship money. $2000. I checked my balance today thought I had no money left and I was like FUCK YEAH BABY
WHY AM I LISTENING TO JUSTIN BEIBER
I bought a blue V-necked 'shirt' with a hoodie. It looks very nice. I also bought some calvin klein underwear during the week. Then I had very limited money for food for the weekend lol. They go well with the skinny jeans I bought last time and the boots I have. Even the new underwear holds 'things' differently... or maybe it's just all in my head.
Sometimes I have a superiority complex. Sometimes I just feel like I deserve everything. I don't want to lower my expectations. I don't want to settle for less.
It just isn't a feel good day. It just isn't.
- Don't want to get with said boy anymore. Just annoying. I'll keep telling myself that.
- I got A+ for my philosophy assignment. I got 95 the class average was 69. That's my fourth A+ out of my five assignments/tests so far.
- I'm accepted as a preliminary adjudicator for Australs 2010 (second biggest international debating competition). I hope I get accredited.
So out of the to-do list I've already started tidying my room. I just got a new (old) shelf from someone who's leaving the country, so now I'm putting all my prized books on there. I love books. They're filled with so much wisdom and knowledge.
I'm falling for someone. Someone I haven't met in person. Just a friend's friend. When I go on facebook I always check if he's online. I want him to talk to me first. I'm interested in the most trivial things he's doing. I get worried if he doesn't reply soon enough. I hate this feeling. I feel like things are spiralling out of my control. Fuck it.
Things to do (and not do):
- get an expensive haircut
- buy some dress shirts
- go to the not-as-expensive sale on high street tomorrow
- find my passport
- study for exams
- buy a winter coat
- wait eagerly for the announcement for the New Zealand Youth Delegation to Mexico
- prepare to be disappointed
- step up my gym routine
- work out more
- don't eat so much, especially after 8pm
- drink less
- look at coloured contacts
- get the boy I want
- stay away from the gay scene for a while
- drink lots of water
- get a job
- do a bartending course in the holidays