It's quite late, and I should really go to bed, I have to catch a flight tomorrow morning, and it's really quite cold, I don't even want to leave my bed, let alone the apartment.
I was thinking about things I need to work on, personality wise, regarding myself. I've boiled them down to two main things:
This boy is seriously just too adorable.
I honestly can't wait to see him again. I want to cuddle him and make love to him over and over again.
We are going on a dinner date soon.
"Oh stop it you're making me all warm and fuzzy on the inside."
"Now my goal is to make you all warm and fuzzy on the outside too!"
Gonna try and keep this short, but just went on date with a SUPER cute guy. He's the really cheeky type but also very genuine at the same time, and I think I like him more than I thought I did. He's really quite honest about how he feels about me too, not too many mind games, man he is so adorable.
This is all fiction. Any resemblances to real life are purely coincidental.
- - - - -
Holy mother of God I need a God damn reality check; I need to start seeing reality. Feel it with all its perfections and imperfections. Holy fuck what am I going with my life. Oh my God, what have I been thinking.
This is a journal about drugs.
None of the glorification, or exagerations. Just events.
I could close my eyes, but I could not shut out the thoughts in my head. They were not depressing thoughts, or by any means important, but they simply materialised as this cascading chain that followed one another. At one point I could vividly "play" a game of tetris in my mind, I could remember the position of each block, piling up in lines one by one, and the squares even carried their own separate colours.
Met a boy. He is cute. Should've been more forward. Not sure if he was keen. We talked for ages though. We talked about so much. He is really cute. I have a chronic fear of rejection that it probably almost becomes self-fulfiling. I always rationalise and think if someone's right for me it'll happen anyway. It's probably weird thinking about this, but I hope he's not the type that sleeps around with randoms (too much). I probably just rambled and rambled at him. It's probably best that nothing happens, the whole thing scares me, but wow I haven't felt like this about a guy for ages.
Some guy just asked me out to dinner.
It's a fucking weird feeling, because I've been so "de-sexualised" these days I honestly haven't felt attracted to anyone or flirted with anything for ages, nor do I feel particularly attractive or care (it's a two-way thing). Like sex and relationships just haven't been this huge thing for me at this time of my life. So it kind of weirded me out how forward he was. I've already had sex with this guy before, but then I literally just stopped talking to him because I wasn't emotionally ready.
Man my circadian rhythmn is fucked.
This has actually been my sleep "pattern", staying awake all day and night, and doing two-hour naps during the day and evening. It has meant I was squeezing in almost 20 hours per day.
two centuries of depredations and
here is a list of
implacable spirit of destruction
though, in reviewing, the incidents of my administration,
by such acceptance
the trumpeter would hold his breath awhile,
as if according to the meek spirit of the Gospel,
that is an oppression
i see there is peace;
from no desire to gratify my ambitions
and among all other men that draw then the parallel between your life and mine,
there is an imagined funeral,
for have we no tendency to the latter condition
that has what licentious wickedness,
None of what you are about to read is real; all is imagined.
I went to the Annual General Meeting for an organisation lobbying for the legalisation of gay marriage on Tuesday. I almost ran for their treasurer, but I really just don't have the time. I am kind of regretting it now, I think I'm becoming a compulsive workaholic; I keep wanting to take things on, it creates an illusion of importance, a facade of me actually meaning something to someone. An amorphous construction of self approval.
Someone I met has been taking a lot of drugs, experimenting actually. No one really knows except me, and he think its fine. At first I thought it was fine too, because he is smart, intelligent, and a socialable person. It just shocked me a little because his values seemed to have "changed" so much, and he just didn't seem like the type that would experiment with drugs. There are a lot of other intelligent people we hang out with which also experiments with drugs, which is probably what made it okay, what normalised it.
"I just don't think there's supposed to be a set amount of time you need to get over someone"