I am stupid and I am ugly I will never be happy
I forgot who it was that said to get over someone, you should write a novel. But because I have neither the time nor the ability, maybe I have been approaching it the wrong way. I thought I had to fall madly crazy hopelessly fall or another person as if i was metaphorically writing myself another chapter, or if that didn't work, distract myself with an extravagant and excessive lifestyle where everything blurred into one another like I was in some tv series where something has to happen all the time.
I'm becoming all those things he didn't want me to be. Is it conscious volition, subliminal inclinations or merely a coincidence? Am I immaturely resisting this amorphous control he has over me, or simply becoming myself again?
So many questions I cannot answer.
So many things i wanted to write about... But too tired now, I must sleep. I'm just going to make a list for now, because writing about it at this moment would not do it justice.
Sehr betrunken oh mein gott
Just visited the occupy Auckland people at two am in the morning. I guess I was so bored I had nothing better to do. I asked them a lot of questions. Might visit them again tomorrow.
Holidays are so monotonous. Seriously, what is the point of life? Ya, tell me it's all about enjoying yourself, about what you make of it. So I drink, party, hook up with people (only over the weekend at gay clubs, nothing more), gym, meet new people, I have been going out every day, buy new clothing, eat ridiculous amounts of food, sleep, more sleep, walk around the city, try new things like speed which keeps me awake for days, have meetings, get singing lessons from my friend, try to learn german and I have no idea why I am doing all this.
New Zealand election two days ago. Voted for the first time (isn't that exciting). Now we have a right wing government!
I am so scared about my future. I am hedonistic and lost.
You'll never be alone, and you'll always be loved
Maybe you don't really need any more than that
I feel pathetic and ugly
Sometimes when I'm drunk I talk too much
I just can't shut the fuck up
I had the worst nightmares
About teddy bears
Trying so hard, in all the wrong ways
New ones are just takers and fakers
Old ones are everywhere
But I pretend not to see them
I'm the most spoilt brat in the world
No one will ever make me happy
I thought finding the one was my panacea