Okay, I'm feeling sad, frustrated, angry, annoyed, confused, empty and lonely right now. This feeling is killing me.
Hey dere peoplez, it's almost 2am but I felt that I should make a recount of what happened in my life~ Mmm it gave me these feelings that's really hard to describe... This is a not so succint but also not so detailed story about me and my gay crush, T.
First I'll introudce the people in my little "story-telling"~ There's J, who is one of my best friends. She goes to a different school but we meet up regularly and do things togetha. Then there's T. T goes to the same school as J, and T is queer. Shortly after I started coming out generally, I met T (or more precisely, we became good friends.. since we used to go to the same Primary years back but just didn't know each other too well), who on my coming out to J, also came out to J. I came out to T, while T came out to me. But just before my coming out to T, another guy called V came out to T. I had feelings for T, and I can feel T had them for me too. But I didn't tell anyone about these feelings. A few days later V asked T out, T said yes and T became more distant to me.
Okay another of my friend just came out bi... wow omg... my life is getting gayer by the second...
That makes 3 of my very good friends I've known for quite a while GLBT... (plus 2 more that I recently met, bout 2-3 months ago), I mean.. I always thot I'd be the only one! Kinda scary how I assumed their sexuality to be straight... and when I came out omg people started popping up all gay around me lol. Mmm it must be some kinda of karma drawing our gayness together... Mmm
My friend was ranting on about how he got rejected by a girl who already has a bf and he was going thru his options wit me... and for his last option I jokingly recommended that he could "turn GAY". Then he was lyk "Yeah I would if I fucking could, I have no idea what's going on in a girl's head". There, a straight guy hoping he was gay xD.
Rofl omg I found this tape that me and my brother made like 5 years ago. We used to record random tape stuff which I pretend to act like a host for a radio station and we play like music, read stories or immitate advertisements. Omg I'm like listening to it now it's so awesome! I can't believe I said those things I said in the tape though o_o.. I'm like so hyped up, random, retardedly acting and carefree in it~ And my voice hasn't broken yet it's so hilarious >_< it doesn't even sound like my voice...
The first time you undermined my dignity
Your voice was fakely familiar
Like you created me
You made our fantasies sound like heaven
But these plains of purity
Prove your superiority
Unfog this mist and make things clear
Prove your divinty
Have mercy and take away all these tears
Whispering to my ear
You once said you can
Moonlight projects her misery on my window pane
Faint light accompanies me in this lonesone darkness
To tell how she sold her soul
To become slave of the abandoned companionless
Make the world sleep
In this forsakened ruins
Cast aside the afflicted affection
Is this home I am grown
I'm so alone
But leave me be
Don't join in hurting me
Having not cuts but I bleed
This blood does not stain
Dancing, singing in their rebirth
They are coming!
Praising, blessing in this renaissance
They are coming!
Together they descend from the realm of glory!
People, give up your edge
People, let go your anger
Together we ascend to the realm of glory!
Grow your wings to leave your blood-stained ground
Enlighten your vision for brighter afar
Fly sky high to smilingly cry!
Open your visions, you shall not fear!
Please open your eyes
See the surrendered love he gave
The love which lost perspective
Which you blindly robbed without doubt
Just open your eyes
See the suffering of his benign soul
Not escaping but submitting
To tormenting torture that satisfies
Now open your eyes
See into an unjustified hope
Hoping that his dim await
Hatches into your dreamed aspirations
So open your eyes
See into his eyes
Hmm.. I think in a way I'm a perfectionist... and it's reli getting to me coz I just can't let things go. I want everything to be at its best.. to be perfect.. argh, it's so annoying!
And argh, I think I'm too sensitive... I care too much about what others MIGHT think (although I've gotten a lot better to deal with this) and I feel bad and guilty and blame myself for things that might not even be my responsibility. Even though I know I do it, I reli can't help it. That's #2.
You'll punch me in the eye
And my skin will be a bruised banana
With my eyes leaking like a squashed grape
I will tear my heart out
Attack and stab it
Cut it and slice it
And feed it to your hungry desires
Tears drenched my remaining sorrows
Like the leftover pasta from last night
Yet I still try to swallow the baked coldness
Okay um this is gona be a bit of a rant... i reli have no idea where to start.. but it's just this shit holiday i've been having in taiwan. I've got absolute nothing to do here, I'm missing so much time I could spend with my friends in NZ. It's also so damn hot here.. its over 30 degrees celsius. And I'm just pissed off with everyone in my family.
First of all it's my sister, she didn't come back to Taiwan and instead went to a South America trip so she gave me this huge list of stuff I have to buy for her... but then she didn't even explain everything properly. She told me to get her a ball dress, and she doesn't even describe what she wants it to be like. She told me that she told mum what she 'wants', but she only told mum she wants it red. Now it makes it so hard to choose one for her and it seems like I have to bear that responsibility if I choose something she doesn't like. Besides that, she asked me to get contact lenses for her as well... she said dad will know the shop which has the 'data' for her eyes so I don't need to worry. So dad said few days ago that we were going to check out the contacts... but today when I'm at my mum's place and she called dad to remind him about getting my eyes checked and getting my sis's contacts.. my dad somehow was all angry and now he decided not to get my sister's contacts (the reason partly because he thinks my sister need to be here to get a contact lense that matches her eye). And now I have to be the person to send an email to my sister on the other side of the world somewhere in South America to explain about something I don't even know much to her. It's going to piss her off and when I go back to NZ I'm going to be the one she gets pissed off with. Omg.
Grr... I have this reali bad flu and it's really getting to me now. It wasn't as bad yesterday but today I'm coughing like *insert appropriate comparison*. I'm also having these really bad headaches... grr tomorrow's my last day of school this term. What a great way to start the holidae...
I entered into this room so divided
These people are here to study
I am no different
Here to study your calm composure
How I wish I was that book
Which you grasp so absorbingly
Your mind so attentive
In its simple significance
I made myself closer
To lay my eyes on you
To read your heartbeat
In this serene silence
Noticing my fatal interest
Your captivating body sends me
Your passionate messages
Your voice is a blade to my throat
Your embraces chain me up like barbed wire
While your charming eyes burn through me
You've held me captive long enough
I've got not what you want
Not what you desire
So let me go,
Liberate me from your addictive affection
Free me from your dangerous deception
Dismiss me from this insane pain;
This cage you gently adored me in
Let me live.