Gawd, I fucking hate everything. Does anyone even fucking respect me? Does anyone even fucking give a damn if I existed or not? What the hell is with everyone asking me to tell them what our homework is and then asking me to send them my work? Do they even fucking do anything themselves? Do they think I'm some kind of personal reminder tool?
Now I'm screwing up things with this friend at school and all that. He's awesome at school, but hella annoying on MSN. He uses my queerness for his own entertainment. Does he even have any respect for me? And for fuck sakes, he's been asking me to see The Omen for 1 week. I've told him I'm extremely busy and he's still annoying the shit out of me to go. Fucking hell. Maybe sometimes I'm not busy, but I'm just not in the mood for movies. I want to be alone. But how do I say that to people? I can't just say I don't want to socialise. This is so pissing me off.
Okay, since Daniel said those nasty things on Friday my whole weekend wasn't so bright. I've been having crushes on guys that I'll only be jealous for. Daniel's obviously not just being ignorant, but saying really nasty things. Blake seems to be saying things behind my back while acting really nice in front of me. Jing is just so random and he's straight as an arrow I just know it. Now.. my last major crush Tyler, who I realised I had feelings for..
I'm a Robot
Turn me on,
Start me up.
Tell me what to do,
And I'll do it just for you.
When my battery is low,
Charging me with life is your role.
But a virus infects me like winning a cursed prize,
Making me do things wrong in your eyes.
I can't tell you that I love you master,
You'll unplug me, I know it will matter.
Restart, inspect me, find my cure,
If there isn't any I'll move forward, my lover.
Okay, 10 minutes ago I just walked out of a takeaway resturant without paying. I feel like such an idiot.
Oh, btw... Tyler's family owns that takeway... I went there to see him but then I just left and seriously forgot to pay. Omg lol, I feel like such an idiot right now. Things are sorted out now though, but I just feel soooo stoopid!
Let Flowers Die
Mary Rose glanced across the empty room that was entitled only to her loneliness and the faint smell of flowers she kept. Within the abundance of fresh, lively flamingos, lilies, lavenders, sunflowers and many more was a withered bunch of dry, arid, brown roses. On the surface they seemed rousingly lifeless, but the connection they seem to make with Mary's eyes was dead alive.
Tell Me How to Get to the End
Suppose beyond this ocean of darkness,
A streak of light would blossom on this land;
A light that would glow to guide me in this blinding obscurity,
In the paths to discover the confounded mistakes I would amend.
It may seem a bit eccentric,
Tinted with a sense of danger and risk lurking in this dimness;
That I've decided to feel my way out of this hollow void,
Okay, so there's this guy called Daniel. I have this major crush on him right nw, but he doesn't know. He doesn't know I'm gay either (until today), he just thinks I'm playing along to a rumour with everyone (he's actually the guy that started the rumour). I told him I was gay before, but he just said "I know you're not" and we're still friends and all that after that. But today I "formally" told this other guy called Robert that I'm gay, and he totally creeped out.
Hory cow, Tyler is gay! Hory donkey kow. Shizzle... omg. And Jessica is bi too. I'm realising all my friends are queer all of a sudden... Woah.
In case you guys didn't know, Tyler is someone from my Primary 5-6 years ago. He went back to Taiwan, came back to NZ about few years ago... and we met again through contact of another of my old friend called Ellen.
He came out to me yesterday (Tuesday) after I came out to him on Monday after we went to see Poseidon with Julie, Annie and Masako. I came out to Julie in the weekend before that, and told her I'm not going to hide my sexual preference to Tyler. Apparently, I ended up finding out he's gay too! Julie doesn't know Tyler is gay though. Tyler isn't out to her because his parents and Julie's parents are friends, and there's the risk of the information reaching his parents through Julie.
I'm so lucky I have people that I can confide to. I'm so lucky to know I have friends who don't judge my sexual perference. I'm so lucky I don't live in fear of being disowned by family (I don't think they would). I'm so lucky that gay bashing is not a big issue in our area (or maybe it's because there are not many out-gays to bash... I dno). I'm so lucky my parents are not abusive. I'm so lucky my parents can provide me with more than my needs. I'm so lucky I'm living in a more liberal country than where I was born. I'm so lucky I have it so much easier than a lot of people.
This is a section of the conversation we had on MSN... Omg I found it so funny... OMG just read it lool...
tht pic you have
《 Screwed 》 - EMO = HOT -- 跟你說
The skies rain shells of pain,
Cannons sound in the distant background;
I'm not ready to come out of this protected but lonesome shelter,
Everytime I make my step I decide to turn around.
I peek out of this hole,
Seeing bullets richochet off the soldiers wearing thick denim;
I'm scared, we're outnumbered,
I could be the next one dead after him.
This trench stinks,
It's so uncomfortable;
Before I know,
The curtains rose;
I'm on this stage,
Which I never chose.
No one applauds,
I seemed forgotten;
I was never given the script,
Only to stand looking rotten.
Then I see everyone,
People I know;
The ones that I eye everyday,
But they seem so cold.
There are people fighting,
About what I've become;
Fighting about the past,
About what they could've done.
I opened my mouth wide,
Yesterday I went and saw X-men 3. Like a lot of other people said.. I sure saw a great correspondance between the mutants and the struggle of the GLBT community. However, I thought the movie could've been better... a lot of great special effects - but I thought that was supposed to be the wrapping not the gift.
After Robert, Michael, Nixon and I saw X-men 3, we went to this place called Extreme where there are games and stuff. We played like 5 rounds of pool and countless other crap until we kind of realised how much we were spending. I enjoyed it a lot though... it was so fun...
Today I kicked this really annoying bully called Kevin in the shin. He kept tapping my ankle and trying to trip me over, I asked him to stop so many times but he got more annoying... so then when we got in class I booted him in the shin... I guess I was pissed --- he's been annoying everyone for months now... it's just starting to really get to me. No one really likes him, he just pretends to be friends with everyone. During like athletic days and all that, EVERYONE avoids kevin. Everyone just hates him soooo much. He should've realised by now.
I hate my room
I hate mrs lohrentz
I hate taking buses
I hate chocolate melting in my pocket
I hate feeling random
I hate feeling frustrated
I hate having so much work
I hate being clueless
I hate kevin
I hate slow internet
I hate my crushes
I hate being alone with no one who understands me
I hate being like the only gay guy at school
I hate myself
I hate missing the ball in socer
I hate exams