Tell Me How to Get to the End
Suppose beyond this ocean of darkness,
A streak of light would blossom on this land;
A light that would glow to guide me in this blinding obscurity,
In the paths to discover the confounded mistakes I would amend.
It may seem a bit eccentric,
Tinted with a sense of danger and risk lurking in this dimness;
That I've decided to feel my way out of this hollow void,
Okay, so there's this guy called Daniel. I have this major crush on him right nw, but he doesn't know. He doesn't know I'm gay either (until today), he just thinks I'm playing along to a rumour with everyone (he's actually the guy that started the rumour). I told him I was gay before, but he just said "I know you're not" and we're still friends and all that after that. But today I "formally" told this other guy called Robert that I'm gay, and he totally creeped out.
Hory cow, Tyler is gay! Hory donkey kow. Shizzle... omg. And Jessica is bi too. I'm realising all my friends are queer all of a sudden... Woah.
In case you guys didn't know, Tyler is someone from my Primary 5-6 years ago. He went back to Taiwan, came back to NZ about few years ago... and we met again through contact of another of my old friend called Ellen.
He came out to me yesterday (Tuesday) after I came out to him on Monday after we went to see Poseidon with Julie, Annie and Masako. I came out to Julie in the weekend before that, and told her I'm not going to hide my sexual preference to Tyler. Apparently, I ended up finding out he's gay too! Julie doesn't know Tyler is gay though. Tyler isn't out to her because his parents and Julie's parents are friends, and there's the risk of the information reaching his parents through Julie.
I'm so lucky I have people that I can confide to. I'm so lucky to know I have friends who don't judge my sexual perference. I'm so lucky I don't live in fear of being disowned by family (I don't think they would). I'm so lucky that gay bashing is not a big issue in our area (or maybe it's because there are not many out-gays to bash... I dno). I'm so lucky my parents are not abusive. I'm so lucky my parents can provide me with more than my needs. I'm so lucky I'm living in a more liberal country than where I was born. I'm so lucky I have it so much easier than a lot of people.
This is a section of the conversation we had on MSN... Omg I found it so funny... OMG just read it lool...
tht pic you have
《 Screwed 》 - EMO = HOT -- 跟你說
The skies rain shells of pain,
Cannons sound in the distant background;
I'm not ready to come out of this protected but lonesome shelter,
Everytime I make my step I decide to turn around.
I peek out of this hole,
Seeing bullets richochet off the soldiers wearing thick denim;
I'm scared, we're outnumbered,
I could be the next one dead after him.
This trench stinks,
It's so uncomfortable;
Before I know,
The curtains rose;
I'm on this stage,
Which I never chose.
No one applauds,
I seemed forgotten;
I was never given the script,
Only to stand looking rotten.
Then I see everyone,
People I know;
The ones that I eye everyday,
But they seem so cold.
There are people fighting,
About what I've become;
Fighting about the past,
About what they could've done.
I opened my mouth wide,
Yesterday I went and saw X-men 3. Like a lot of other people said.. I sure saw a great correspondance between the mutants and the struggle of the GLBT community. However, I thought the movie could've been better... a lot of great special effects - but I thought that was supposed to be the wrapping not the gift.
After Robert, Michael, Nixon and I saw X-men 3, we went to this place called Extreme where there are games and stuff. We played like 5 rounds of pool and countless other crap until we kind of realised how much we were spending. I enjoyed it a lot though... it was so fun...
Today I kicked this really annoying bully called Kevin in the shin. He kept tapping my ankle and trying to trip me over, I asked him to stop so many times but he got more annoying... so then when we got in class I booted him in the shin... I guess I was pissed --- he's been annoying everyone for months now... it's just starting to really get to me. No one really likes him, he just pretends to be friends with everyone. During like athletic days and all that, EVERYONE avoids kevin. Everyone just hates him soooo much. He should've realised by now.
I hate my room
I hate mrs lohrentz
I hate taking buses
I hate chocolate melting in my pocket
I hate feeling random
I hate feeling frustrated
I hate having so much work
I hate being clueless
I hate kevin
I hate slow internet
I hate my crushes
I hate being alone with no one who understands me
I hate being like the only gay guy at school
I hate myself
I hate missing the ball in socer
I hate exams
Omg, my fone just had to die on me oMGMGMGMmGGMGMG when I was having a conversation with an old friend of mine called Tyler. He can't really remember me (and I can't reali remember him that well anyways) but we're getting to know each other better and I was kinda flirting and the fricking battery just had to DIE. Poo poo poo. I hate this... although I can't really blame anyone but myself since I was on the fone ages with Ellen before that... Argh, just pissed.
For some reason I've been really frustrated and sad about nothing today... Omg... (or maybe something, but it's just all wierd and messed up and just I dno... this is a rant anyways)
Oh, and why is it when I'm PHYSICALLY attracted to guys... a lot of the times I find that most of the guys around me are real dickheads? (no pun intended)
Yet again, I find I can connect emotionally and mentally better with a lot of girls compared to guys... when crushes aren't COMPLETELY dependant on physical appearances (because it realli isn't...), might I develop a crush a girl even when I'm not exactly physically attracted to her?
Hello everybody! Thought I might make a short update...
Well, I've got a busy week ahead today... I have two NCEA assessments and two debates this week and I've been a little stressed about it because (I'll admit) I haven't managed my time properly. On top of that is the usual stuff which makes me a lil buzi.
Besides that, there were some happy stuff happening in the weekends. I went karaoke with some friends at downtown... at first I was invited by Julie who said I wouldn't know anyone else there, but I ended up knowing EVERYONE who turned up which was wierd o_o. There was also this girl there called Ellen, who was my friend from about 7 years ago. She went back to Taiwan 6 years ago... and suddenly she reappeared in NZ. I've been re-seeing a lot of my old friends recently... which is great. =]
My friend just went all depressed on me and I had no idea what to say to him. I try to do the most listening, but I don't know what to say when I feel like I have to something. I gave some shit advice, I was a hypocrite and now I'm in a really down mood as well.
My other friend also picked up that I have a crush on this one guy (I have like 3 major crushes)... this friend can be a really arrogant bastard sometimes and now he's annoying the crap out of me because that.
I can't find a good reason to wait for something I don't know
But you're so deeply rooted into my mind
The winds bring the sound of you to my ear
And the scent of your body to my senses
I think I might start missing you,
But I just came across you in my life.
Still when I look in the water I see your face
A face so clear, but so far below the surface I can't reach
This feeling lives by me everday,