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Not love

I'm infatuated with a boy.

His name is Josh.

I told him he was cute.

We are getting coffee.

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An honest journal

I've just booked my flights to the Philippines and Taiwan over the summer break.

Some of you may know this already, but I'll be in the Philippines over new years for a debating tournament, then I'll visit my parents in Taiwan.

Re Parents:

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Story

Dawn already, still dark in this room or is the window a little tinted? An enjoyable night, his eyes look a little tired of insomnia. I turn around to embrace the double bed alone. Will he at this moment early in the morning join me for coffee? He is not him after all, still after love, I heard him say 'we are so similar'. What a curse, for what he lacked, I know once again I couldn't give to him.

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Last night

*omitted*

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Be still my heart

Private journal.

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Six years, reflection

So I just realised I've been a member on this site for over six years... Wow that's a long time right.

I've been thinking about how much my life has changed, and I've almost forgotten the sort of person I was. Went through so many different stages which if I had to put into words could only amount to crude simplifications. I have obeyed the authorities, become confused, rebelled, wandered in depression, soared in glory, fell in love, fell out of love... A pretty eventful life, but not such a bad one.

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Polite indifference

I wish I missed him still.
Yet that's not what I need or feel.

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.

It is cruel when there is no hate
When love fades there is no catharsis

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.

Just finished a stupidly long essay on the european sovereign debt crisis.

Updates:
Talked to the ex boyfriend
We both cried
It really is the distance
I'm still seeing him in December though

-----------------------------------------

Running for a position on our debating society's exec tomorrow
Addicted to german pop
Rediscovered my interest in Chinese music
Realised how much Chinese I've forgotten
For practice -
I've started writing Chinese journals on another website

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.

In the head:
- love songs

In my heart:
- sadness

and nothing else.

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Symphonie

Sag mir was ist bloß um uns geschehn
Du scheinst mir auf einmal völlig fremd zu sein
Warum geht’s mir nich mehr gut
Wenn ich in deinen Armen liege
Es ist egal geworden was mit uns passiert
Wo willst du hin, ich kann dich kaum noch sehn
Unsere Eitelkeit stellt sich uns in den Weg
Wollten wir nicht alles wagen, ham wir uns vielleicht verraten
Ich hab geglaubt wir könnten echt alles ertragen.

Symphonie
Und jetzt wird es still um uns
Denn wir stehn hier im Regen
haben uns nichts mehr zu geben
Und es ist besser wenn du gehst
Denn es ist Zeit

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The End. 03.10.11.

And it breaks my heart.

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.

Problems:
My computer's broken, and I kind of need it to study. It freezes after five minutes unless I start it up in safe mode. Any ideas? I'm thinking it's probably one the drivers...

I sleep too much and too late. They are both problems in that it's not that I can't get enough sleep, but that I can't get enough stuff done because I'm always tired. I'm thinking maybe I should force myself to go to bed at like say eleven, but then I always end up lying there until like 2 or 3 anyway.

Need to find more students to tutor. Need $$$.

Other things:

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Just deactivated my Facebook. Felt great.

Law ball is on tonight. I didn't go. I didn't see the point. It just means another hungover weekend and stressing out afterwards. Trying really hard not to leave right now and go to the after ball...

Soundcheck was insane. I was right up at the front. My neck is sore.

I had to get up at seven to watch stupid high school kids debate today. How sad is my life? On a saturday. At least I got paid a hundred bucks for it.

Just kind of realised my parents still don't know I'm gay. In so much denial right now.

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We tried to introduce a gay rights officer at my college, but it failed by twenty votes. I kind of took it personally, because I know I could've easily got twenty people to vote for it. Oh well, doesn't really matter.

I need to stop using other work as procrastination.

Boyfriend. Skyped him today. Long distance is hard. I always told myself I wouldn't do it because it's stupid and pointless. I wouldn't say it's that, but it's just frustrating. He's coming back in December (to visit), I guess I could wait till then.

Silbermond is a good german band.

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