I'm moving out of my flat tomorrow. I'm sitting on the bed looking into the almost empty room. A disassebled shelf strewn across the carpet, and a board with all my photos and cards against a plain wall. It really saddens me and I always feel this deep melachony when I have to move. I am not sure why, but it feels like breaking up. The way you walk up the stairs knowing each step or the angle and length your turn the shower on exactly for the desired volume and temperature of water.
To drink... or to drink a lot? That is the question!
Equal squares on an empty sudoku,
Always the same numbers but a billion answers,
Yet there are rules you know I know (that you know)
Before this game has even started.
Colorblind because we are all equal yet white moves first,
(Someone has to).
My options start only with the pawns; the goal is to take your king.
Pawns can move two squares yet my king cannot leave the board;
Nonetheless I have already given you my tacit consent.
'To win!' you say, 'is about foresight and making sacrifices'.
So I lose because the rules are fair.
My boyfriend's uncle in the head of classics at princeton university... he's got a wikipedia article and if you look him up on google the search even comes with his photos. Isn't it amazing?
I bombed my criminal law test yesterday. I've never felt that bad after a test. I've been reflecting a little bit - I need to get my act together. I can't just be complacent with my education. I must get A+ for everything. That means going to all my classes, making notes, and making sure I do extra revision. In law school a smart brain is not enough... cause no one's going to be stupid.
I cannot doubt that I exist
I can doubt that my body exists
I am not my body
It is pain that my body is experiencing
I can doubt that my body exists
I am not in pain
Study is so stressful.
Spent a solid hour working on german pronunciation today. The director is very nice, he's very patient and very encouraging. I only found out the other day that this german play is part of his thesis, so I feel a lot of pressure to do well, espeically when everyone seems so fluent. Either way, I've already learnt a lot - just have to put the work in - it's do-able. I haven't acted in so long... it's so refreshing when all my other commitments are debating, consulting and academics.
One of the debates I had to adjudicate in the past few days was quite controversial and interesting, so I'll throw it out there.
The motion was: This House supports committing suicide as a form of protest
I'll leave my thoughts out for now... What do you guys think?
I adjudicated 17 debates in four days at a national debating tournament... that's commitment OK... it's also a little bit mental.
Brain overload. No can do.
On another note, my university sent me mail today saying I topped (1st) one of my courses (of a few hundred people)! :D yay special award with prize money and looks good on report/CV
only good news for now - bad news for another day !
I was away at a debating competition for the whole day... I got back he's made my bed, washed (and dried and folded) all my clothing, tidied my room and even vacuumed my floor! And he threw my cigarettes away! (yay?)
He also bought me a soft toy + other things ;)
I don't want sympathy. I just want to write. I write for myself.
Sometimes I feel there are so many people around me but we aren't people. We are just variables in a world full of formulas and equations, and we all fitted in and completed each function. But before we achieved that teleological end, that truism, we have already been reduced to something less, an imprint of something we were, someone we might be, someone we ought to be. We're a shadow, soulless and lesser than its maker.
I adjudicated two high school debates tonight, got paid $50 yeah! I hate how when teams lose they feel really upset. It cuts me up inside a little bit - because a few years ago I was in their position. At the same time I hate even more the kids who can't take a loss and come up and argue over outcomes. They need to have some respect.
Why do I feel so detached from everything?
Is it a sign of a problem when I become so detached I don't 'feel' like I have any more problems?
Like a cancerous growth inside me that I haven't discovered or have learnt to ignore -
But I no longer feel its pain either.
So what difference does it actually make? Is it true that you need problems to make you more human, to make you understand the highs and lows, to make you empathise better?
Why is this all about outcomes? Is there something else just... intrinsically wrong about it?
I made the cast for the german play at my university!
I'm so excited I haven't acted since high school and this would improve my german so much.
Lots of good news lately. I also got chosen as one of two trainees to go to this national debating tournament. Also, I am potentially going to AMUNC in July (Australasian Model United Nations Conference) - pending how much the university is willing to subsidise us.
And the boyfriend's been goooood. We've gotten over our rough patch and we tidied my room yesterday and I bought him dinner (Thai food). It was soooo nice.
You know what I don't like about some people? How they look down on or label people who party, drink and use drugs as not getting anywhere in life. There's this conception that if you party and drink that much, you must be 'conforming', an arsehole, or intellectually challenged.
i don't even care
(but I do)
I don't want it