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My Problems

I have problems too. They aren't teenage angst, high school drama, family problems or unrequited mental affairs with painful heartthrobs. It's perhaps a bit harder for you to understand because it's so different. But I'll try, near the start, where it's appropriate. I need to write about it because that's what journals are for - I've been trying to distract myself by listing my achievements and successes in my other entries. But that's unfair. It's not humanising. It's not an equilibirum of give and take, of control and fate tugging at each other. I need to mention the other side.

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Love is so precious it must be rationed

She, for a minute or two, stood looking at the house and said,
"There's no mistake. Considering the great debt I-"
And the rest was taken away by the wind.

Then she did a little dance, moving her arms in rowing motions, throwing each leg in front of her and stamping down hard.
When the Sun and Moon collide
You, who would be king will have a story to tell.

Yes, but for now pour her another drink - it's a wonderful title (wife)!
Comrade, comrade
She will bear him the Son of France!
"What's it going to be then, eh?"

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This and That

Four more days until I'm off my PEP medication. It has so many side effects man. I feel so tired, and I caught a flu too... in summer (it lowers both the red and white blood cell count... and its summer in New Zealand). I'm always zoned out, and it kind of gets me in an odd (slightly down) mood. I'm having the 6 week test for HIV around Christmas, and I've got my mind off it for a while. I got back into a bit of German and enrolled in Spanish classes next year. I've been going out heaps (everyday) just to distract myself. Besides the medication it has mostly been good news.

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There're such things as vegan condoms?! Like seriously no jokes. My vegan most-likely-to-be-boyfriend told me about them. I laughed for ages until I realised he was dead serious. This is even more bizarre than his all vegan flat (all seven flatmates... jesus christ LOL). I woke up at his one time and they were all in the kitchen making vegan sandwiches together. Man he's outa control.

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I can't sleep

I can't sleep properly
i can't sleep properly
i keep worrying about my upcoming blood test
and it's like a month away

i'm getting dark circles around my eyes and I'm getting sick
but am i sick because of HIV or because i haven't been getting sleep?
no answer
it's like a month away

this is so painful i'm losing my mind
im losing my mind
someone save me


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-tomorrow- night's gona be a good night

super duper excited for my birthday party tomorrow!
it's masquerade themed
i hired a bar
i'm getting a nice haircut
my friends will be there
they also got me a room at a hotel in case i get lucky
they know me too well?!


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The Dedicated Boy or the Intense Boy?

Let's have a vote, cause I really don't know. It's probably the dilemma that everyone has to face eventually in their lives. There's that one 'perfect' person who you're supposed to like - but there's just no spark. Then circling around you is the boy (or girl) that you're always going to have something for, distancing away and gravitating towards you when you least expect it. And you have to make a choice.

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Test Results

All negative.

Now just have to take the PEP for 30 days.
The hospital was really nice and gave the drugs to me for free.
They said they never do that - and told me not to tell anyone (oops).
It saved me over $500 though. How very kind of them.

I've learnt my lesson.
Happy day it is - going out soon - gonna go get ready now (to the music of Passion Pit)

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Tonight's Date

I felt kind of sick today. I don't want to whine and complain too much, but that's kind of the point of a journal entry right? The meds are starting to kick in... I felt like throwing up on the bus to the gym. Then at the gym it got worse too, I had to leave early and I felt particularly sick when I started doing weights. We'll see if it gets better or worse during the week. Then I hung out with two of my friends who knows what's happening - but not once did they bring it up... I don't want to be treated like I'm sick. Which is amazing. I love them.

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I got an HIV test

I got an HIV test done today. They will have the results by tomorrow, but they will tell me in person on Wednesday. It's only going to be a baseline test because HIV exposure has a 30day window period. I got really freaked out and couldn't sleep so I taxied to the hospital at 6 in the morning. They've given me about a week of post exposure prophylactic treatment just in case, and I have to buy the next three weeks myself. It's six pills a day for four weeks.

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i am a stupid man


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It will all be over tomorrow

I have my last exam tomorrow, so I shouldn't really be writing this, I should be studying. But studying for hours and days on end really takes its toll... so here I am - letting my mind unwind.

I had an eye exam the other day. Apparently I've got sun damage. It's only at its early stages, but being the heath freak I am I got it checked out anyway. I want to invest in a really nice pair of sunglasses now. Stupid excuse to splurge on expensive accessories...

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Fuck off

I feel so sick. I need to stop going out so much. Definitely made the right choice staying in tonight.

I feel physically and emotionally sick. I haven't eaten well for the whole week. I ate only like one meal per day. I don't remember where my Sunday and Thursday went. Same with today. Stop drinking. Stop it. Argh. I have bloody exams next week.

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I have the best friends ever.
I'm sure you all do too, but I cannot imagine my life without them.

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I can't fall in love


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