So, I turned down the easiest opportunity for sex that could have possibly landed in my lap. Plus she's eye candy for practically every visible lesbian on campus. Some would say this takes away my right to complain about being sexually frustrated. Some would say this makes me crazy. But... I just don't give a shit. I want to be courted. I want to feel passionate about whoever I'm fucking. I'm not a virgin, but if I have to keep waiting for it to feel right, I guess I will.

I feel really lonely all of a sudden. I hate that feeling.

Another year has come to a close. When I look back on 2005, all I can say is, Wow. I was a top spinning around, hair flying all over the place. Angry. Hurt. Sad. Cynical. Bitchy.

More self-confident and self-assured. More cutting and sarcastic.

Horny. Wasted. Reckless. Experimental.

Barely studied the first half; felt tied down to school by a ball and chain the second. I think maybe I learned to think less. Maybe not.

life is sad.

wow she's pretty. i'm so nervous i feel sick.

i have one!

hotness!

also, what do you guys think about rocking jeans with holes in the ass?

ok so the answer came to me. i try too damn hard. why don't i ever find a girl? because i'm too busy looking, too focussed on finding - which lands me in all these awkward situations i don't actually want to be in, which isn't good for me or her.

so... i try so hard. i'm so scared i'll be like 25 and never have had a real experience with a woman. not that my experiences haven't been real...

i'm just convinced that the ultimate She (for Me) is not out there.

i ate lunch today with this girl from high school who i'm still wildly attracted to, and we were going to watch a movie afterwards but she was too tired and wanted to take a nap. i'm... dying here. FUCK i just have such a hard time finding girls i'm attracted to and click with and i don't know why that is. it's the same way with guys i guess but fuck guys, i don't even care about guys. i just want GIRL GIRL GIRL. FUCKY FUCK. i want to make love to a woman so badly...

Ok. So cliched-feministy-whatever, but I don't care. Sinead O'Connor's "No Man's Woman" ALWAYS empowers me and lifts me up when I'm feeling like shit. Love it.

One year ago today, I kissed D, and it all began.

I don't know what to say.

I have been on Oasis for three years now, which is pretty incredible I'd say.

Anyway... This whole becoming an adult shit. It's tough. I feel like every facet of my life right now presents different challenges, and I'm doing a really bad job at trying to cope. Not that I'm not trying, but it's just not working out so easily.

In less than a month, I will be 20 years old. That is so.........

I hate this lame-ass bullshit.

I wish I had something to say. It's nice outside and I'm going back between being hot and cold because I think I'm coming down with something. It's a little past 5:30 and I still haven't left the apartment yet. I want to cry and I thought I might start but nothing came. It would only make my head hurt more anyway.

It made me think about crying and how when you're sick like this, the tears are hot on your eyes. It's a... feeling. I'm not sure what kind. I know I need to get something to eat but I just want to crumple into my sheets and not deal with anything. I don't want to deal with school even though I think I'm going to start teetering on the edge soon if I don't get my act together. I should put some clothes on, gain some weight, start exercising at the gym, buy a box of tissues.

I'm grumpy. This is a post about me being cranky. This is a post about how I want to fucking kick my ex in the face because... fsjfksljfksdjfsfuckyfuckfuckfuckfuckyou! Because I am still hurt, and I know that I will be for awhile and there's nothing I can fucking do about that. Yes, I have grown. Yes, I will be stronger, more mature. Blow me. I'm still upset. There is still a pain that cannot be taken away or erased. It is a part of me now, like the scar on the face from when I fell on the ice and hit the corner of the car door, like my neurotic tendency to clean everything around me, like my goofy giggles and eternal impatience. It's like a scar, and it'll heal but you'll always have it. *sigh*

I swear to God I want some lesbian sex so bad that I just don't even know what to do with myself. I can't focus on anything else. I'm just so fucking horny. But... that only describes part of it... I want the female romance, I want to stroke a girl's hair and hold her hand and.. I dunno, cuddly shit, too. I just am really frustrated in general.

*sigh*

It's making me feel crazy, though, that's the thing.