OK, this is gonna be a short entry...Basically, there is this place I've been doing volunteer hours for the last two years for school that is run by a lesbian couple...Now, I was there working yesterday and they started talking about all kinds of issues facing gays and lesbians in side conversations...I kinda just stood there and listened to them talking and I gotta say, I was a little uncomfortable...I kept thinking to myself, should I come out? Should I tell them my opinion on gay marriage as a gay man? It was kind of awkward the whole time...k so I was just wondering...If next time im there.
Well, this is pretty much gonna be a rant about things that are going on right now for me and just some random stuff....Hmm, conferences were two days ago and i am doing way worse than I thought I was. In my chemistry class, apparently I'm missing two assignments and because of that and a low test-score, I now have an 'F' for my grade. That just sucks...In my math, due to a missing assignment and a bad test score, I have a 'D' and now I have to study to retake a test , which will be hard due to my lack of concentration and other issues... God, I don't know how I'm gonna finish high school...My cumulative GPA is now down to a 3.1 , with little hope of recovery... That freakin sucks. God, my grades keep falling which is definently not helping my depression....On top of that, I have a huge history paper due in like six weeks and my history teacher was on a trip during the meeting w/ all my other teachers that my counselor arranged, so he has no idea what is going on w/ me.. I'm pretty much screwed on that assignment.
Well, I had a very weird day today.... First off, I overslept and made it to school one minute before second period, my first period, started...It was ten minutes after I woke up...I was tired...Well, first period, we worked out...it kinda sucked though, cause I was so tired. The guy I have recently found myself crushing on was actually in class today...He started talking about the race he's training for, telling me all kinds of personal stuff like his favorite color and his favorite band (coldplay). We got to talking about bikes and things like that...I'm just wondering though, was he hitting on me? He's kinda flirted w/ me before today, but he was telling me a lot of personal stuff...It was weird. Maybe I should train for that race w/ him, even though I'm outta shape and haven't been a roadie for almost four years....
Well, My life is pretty much where it's been @ for the last year. I am still struggling w/ my depression, bi-polar disorder and ptsd. I can't keep my mind on school, my friends avoid me for some reason, my grades are continually dropping and my life remains in a constant state of anxiety, fear and chaos. I am proud of myself, though. I had a huge project for history due and I just barely got it finished in time. Hopefully it won't get graded down too low.
This week has been a hell of a week for me. First off, I've missed a lot of my after school activity due to doctors appointments, so my coaches are mad @ me. On top of that, School has gotten hella hard in one freakin week. We have a huge project due by next tues. in AP history, which I am totally in the dark on, cause I haven't read all of it-really I've barely opened the book. I also have had a lot of chemistry work, I have a test in math on friday and I have to read a lot for english tonight. God, I just want high school to end. It freaking sucks. All i've done all year is work, or no work, cause I really haven't done that much and my grades keep falling.
Well, I had a really weird day today...well that is to say,, a weird night. My aunt and uncle came over to stay since their house is getting renovated and this weekend they got kicked out by the builders. It was cool. They came over, got a little drunk and it was just a weird night. Our dogs started playing and chasing each other throughout the night and then my dog started humping my uncle's dog...or at least trying to...my uncle's dog ran away. We couldn't stop laughing, probably cause of the alcohol, but for some reason it was hilarious. I found out my dog's gay too...How weird and or ironic is that? Serioiusly, what are the chances that my dog was gay too. It was weird but funny. My uncle kept cracking gay jokes all night because of it though, which made me a little uncomfortable, but, as I was slightly drunk and the jokes, though stereotypes were freakin' hilarious. Dinner was good though.
For once in my life, I can say that life is good. The last two weeks have been great. i have had more time to sleep due to dropping a class, I can finally concentrate a little bit on school and my grades are coming back up already. It's been a good week. First off, I didn't fail my history test, I got a c. Then in my pe class, my team won several games, which kicks ass. So, my grades are up, I haven't been worryiing about my dad and any of his stuff cuz I haven't spoken to him in about a week and I'm just enjoying life... At least for the time being.
Well, I can officially say that my life is still and probably will remain, in a state of chaos. This week, my counselor at my school called a meeting w/ my teachers and my mom. Pretty much, I ended out telling them a little of what's been going on in my life, but not a lot. I was forced to drop a class in the end and I may end out having to switch into a non AP history class. Well, that sucks. Damn my ptsd and my bi-polar and my depression due to being gay.
My finals went basically as i predicted. i failed chemistry, spanish,history and probably math. For some reason, my english teacher was ecstatic about my final paper for the semester, though. I have no idea why. Maybe because so much of the book we are reading relates to my life.
Anyway, i failed 3/4 of my finals and i have a meeting w/ all of my teachers next week to discuss some of my issues and whether or not i should drop a class and become a t/a.
Well, I just got back from my new psychiatrist. We discussed a lot of hard issues and it was kind of weird. When the discussion of my sexuality( I was unsure for a while) came around, i told her that I had slowly come to the realization that I was gay. That was about it. Man, why the hell was that so easy? I don't trust frickin' anyone and there I was, about an hour after meeting this chick, and I came out. I wish I could say it was a load off my shoulders, but in reality, it just made my paranoia a lot worse. What if she contacted my school? What if somehow, someone that I know found out? What if my dad found out? I dunno, I guess time will tell. Anyway, I came out to one person today.
Well, this week went a little better. I failed a math test, even though I got the right answers, my teacher is just a jerk. Finals start on wednesday. I am freakin' screwed. I can't remember any of my history, chemistry, spanish or math. I already know that Im gonna fail.. I t sucks, but it's true. So, tomorrow, I'm gonna try to study, concentrate on school and not get distracted by t.v.
There's a couple of concerts that I want to go to this week, one of which would really kick ass, but I have finals on that day, so I can't go. Damn!
This has esaily been one of the worst weeks of my life. First off, my dad is fuckin' driving me insane. He has been calling me 60+ yes 60+ times a day! I'm so fuckin pissed at him. All he ever does is yell at me and threaten me and tell me shit about how if he weren't sick he'd go back and kill everyone who ever betrayed him. It fuckin' pisses me off.
On top of my dad's mental problems and all of my father's family's bullshit, I am going insane. Partially due to school, partially due to my sexuality and partially due to my bi-polar disorder.