Well I woke up feeling completly horrible today, so I wimped out of work which was bad enough, my tummy really hurt I don't what it was but it sucked ass. Right now I am completly in a bad mood I have spend the last like 3 hours looking for something to do this summer. I am almost positive that I will not get the job I wanted at the camp in Wisconsin, and gah Caddy is being all eww and we need change adn shit that is just pissing me off so really they are jsut beong plain stupid and i am not sure if i get hired that i even want to go. It jsut fucking sucks. I am so sick of seaching for camps and its all christian camps this and jewish camps that. GAH I am so sick of it. and i am sorry but you can not be a non denominational camp and also be christian it jsut doesn't work either you are or you are not. plain and simple. grrr...
So it's been a while I guess since I post something here. Life sucks. People suck. Guys are dumbasses adn that is my life as of today. Hmm well I kinda started dating this guy which was weird all in it's self after thinking that I would never date guys again. I guess this guy and I never really had much of a relationship but it still hurt when he said he couldn't go through with this whole dating thing. It's only been a week so i think I am entitled to feel bad over it for another day or so. My friends were supposed to call like an hour ago. It jsut pisses me of how everytime,I think that I have finally found a place to be that I love adn things just fall through. It's one thing to not get together, but another to just not call and such. It sucks and it feels horrible stuck where I am. I hatee living in this dumb town and somedays I hate the people I know and everything about mu life. I know thtat it is not as bad as i think it is but it still sucks.
So iam finally getting some good luck for me. I have been sick alot lately but that is okay with me. I met this guy like 6 months ago or so, online but i have never meet him in person. He lives in the next town over. I really like him alot! Well on Sunday I got an email from him and he asked me out. At first i was like holy freak out(OMG please remind me never to say that ever again..bad vibes). But i got over teh "freak out" phase and was liek heck yes. I emailed him pack adn said that we could try addn see how it goes.
I love my friends. Sometimes though they just make me relly mad. I feel so worthless to them lately. I am always here..I hear those words way to often for them to mean alot to me anymore. I support them adn i think it's great that they are happy adn dating eachother. I think it is wonderful. Just ever since this happened lyns adn i have become second their partner. I miss having court to relay on and i know i still do but i don't think it is fair that i am only good to her when J isen't there adn same goes the otheer way the only time i talk to j is when Courty is not online.
SO I so HEART Caddy it is the camp that i have spent the last 2 summers at with my best friends who i love lots. I don't know what i would do with out them. Gah where would i be if i never went to caddy as staff. so heres my problem..friends fight adn we do it all the time adn i can handle it but there is one fight that has been going on for a long! time i mean like since october long. I don't know what to do with it anymore.
So I was looking at my stuff on her and realized it has been one month since i came on here. That is weird it seems like so much longer that that. Life has been crazy in just 1 month. Life has gotten worse in just one month too. Last time I said i was suppose to be going to counselling. I am still horrified over it though., but I finally phoned the guy today. Turns out he is not a counsellor, just someone who asses people.
I completley had the perfect chance to out myself to my mom tonite. I don't really remember what we were talking about but a gay friend came up and there was a break in the conversation over diner adn she said something about how my friends dad told him it was his fault for being gay..so i shoot back at my mom that really it should be his dads fault because it's more or less genetics and she gave me a weird looked adn stayed quiet.
Gawd I hate people. So now apperently I have to go to counselling. I know I need help..but i am still not really willing to accept it. I don't want to go. My mom was all like "if i make you an appointment will you??" My words back were do i really have a choce...blah blah no i don't so why ask GAH. This makes me mad so mad. I don't like counsellors they make me angry. I don't like the idea of talking to people I don't know about what is going on in my life.
I was riding the bus with Christine and Amy today adn Amy doesn't know I am Bi so we some how got into the topic of crushes adn boyfriends and i was like nope no boyfriends. So i said though that i had asked out my best friend, but it was weird saying that and Amy was all like who is it. I said nothing nothing and everything went on. Later she still wanted to know so i was like Christine you can tell her.
I sit here
My shirt is wet
and my fave is dripping
Tears stream down my face
Unknown tears most they are
I don't know why
and my eyes are red
My shirt is wet
and my face drips
with tears that fall
Work was boring as hell tonite we sat around for a really really long time. But it was also fun. I miss talking to Norm and I got to do that tonite so it was a good thing. I guess except maybe when I freak out on him when he used the word gay ina really bad way adn i was got made. Then Tyler started in on how gay people are horrible so i was like tyler you are an asshole and i would have walked away if i got the chance but well i was sitting on the floor, in the office and he was in my way.
Can you find gay horoscopes??
So a few days ago i was really excited that my friend was all okay about me being bi but i don't think she is being honest with me. Things are just not the same and i don't completely trust her anymore. She just deosn't get that my parents and all of our friends don't need to know adn she is so insistant that they do. I don't know how to help her understand that my parents don't need to know until i feel ready to tell them.
So this whole shpel i had with my friend adn not telling her i was bi and her finding out through another website thing. Well i gave her the note and today seh gave me on back. I was scared to read it at irst in case she disowned me or something. it was okay though when I red it. She told me she supprted me adn alwys would. Thateven though she never really agreed with it she would still love me. YEAH!! she asked if my parents knew..uh no! and then she wanted to know how i knew or how it happened more or less so i wrote it all back in a note to her.
I gave my friend the note i wrote her telling her i was Bi. I don't know how sehe took it I don't know anything right now..I really realy don't adn that sucks. it scares me a whole lot adn even though Courts made me feel so much better. I am still scared. I am worried because she never goes by me in the hall without hitting me adn she didn't do it when i saw her after school and she didn't even look at me..talk about hurting me.