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yeah, i can hear you thinking, what!??! tink has a girlfriend??? nooo...

but yet, i almost nearly do & i will in about 4 weeks!!

teejay who's the most amazing girl in the world & who i honestly think i'm kind of in love with & as soon as group therapy is over we can go out!! (not to say my parents are happy about this, they don't like her)

but i'm wicked psyched.


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Oh my.

well, i'm in looove. or, more like a really huge CRUSH, but i'm in a romantic mood, so i called it love. ok, so there's this girl in my dbt therapy group who's absolutely amazing. thing is, i've met her only twice, so it feels awkward to tell her how i feel. i'm thinking of asking if we could get together outside of therapy so i could get to know her...but idk. the whole situation is a bit awkward...but she's sososo amazing.

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"Cheer Up Emo Kid"

I've got a problem with everyone I know
I've got a problem I want everyone to know
I got home late last night from the punk(PUNK) rock(ROCK) show
I say it sucked because I'm emo

I'm gonna cry I'm gonna scream
I'm gonna say what I don't mean
I'm gonna cry I'm gonna mope
I'm gonna give up all my hope
Bringing everybody down
Everybody with a frown
Bringing everybody down

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so. can't post journals anymore because my parents are reading this stuff. sorry. message me.

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looky looky

i'm back! well, kind of. the hospital was fun and all, but i decided to come ghome after all. today and tomorrow i'm visiting, then monday i'm home for good. i'll be going back during the days for a week after that to keep working on stuff, but mostly i'll be home. i was in there for a week, and it was a long week, but i think it was for the better. not to say i'm not depressed anymore (the meds won't even kick in for at least another couple of weeks), but i'm at least not suicidal, which is a good start, i would say.

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i thought...

my life belonged to me. guess i was wrong. thought maybe i was allowed to be independant and have something for my own. i guess not. i guess i get no say in what i need or what i want. and i guess my opinion counts for nothing, because it doesn't change anything.

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the way things are.

still in the hospital, looks like i'm supposed to be transferred to a mental hospital today...probably mclean, in boston. it's valentine's day. i feel utterly unromantic and pretty much sad. and i don't have a valentine. dammit. oh goes on. maybe i'll call nick. he's probably worried about me, i hope his mom told him what's going on. i really hope she did. i'm really worried about him...he better be ok.

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have i mentioned...

HOW FUCKING MUCH I HATE HOSPITALS AND THEIR FUCKING RULES!?!? i'm going to kill someone...grawr...

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oh drama!

serious drama in my life this past night. tried to commit suicide and ended up in the hospital. i swallowed 76 ibuprofen and 71 benadryl...and woke up retching. not the most pleasant experience, and kind of unfortunate consdiering that the goal was to avoid waking up at all. so, my mom heard me, she and my dad got me to tell them what was up, and it was probably pretty obvious that i was drugged b/c couldn't walk straight, wassn't very coherent, etc.

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acceptable nothings.

running faster, faster towards disater. you can't put my life on rewind, you can't passs the hours slower, but events put on fast forward are screeching closer in my head. i missed my mark, i missed the target, missed everything so i'm floating, floating no destination in this life, in the hourglass that is my desire. desire to leave this all behind. he hopes he made my day. my day is falling into nothing, i see oblivion moving closer and i am not afraid.

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have a very happy queer day.

so. today i feel really queer. that's about all. xoxoxo. ; )

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probably won't be posting journal entries for a while because my dad is reading them...which is beyond awkward and just makes me sick. sorry.

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i love i love i love i love...

so. went to a really fabulous show last night (previously mentioned, it was hellogoodbye, the academy is..., panic! at the disco, and acceptance (only band in the lineup i don't like)), and it was excellent. only two downsides: during hellogoodbye everyopne kept pushing and so basically if the floor hadn't been so packed everyone would've fallen over every three or four minutes, but it was all good, i was basically horizontal thorugh half their set.

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p.s. because i've been meaning to mention it.

i'm kind of amazed by how much this place has changed since spring last year...way different lykewhoa.

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my obsession with music makes itself visible.

missing another day of school today because of anxiety. my mental state is going downhill, fast. it doesn't help that i haven't been able to eat and my mom is threatening to not let me attend a show this weekend. this show i've wanted to go to for like...MONTHS...that i bought tickets for a day after presale started. hellogoodbye, the academy is..., panic! at the disco, and acceptance. probably the greatest lineup i'll see for a while, unless i go see the starting line on the 24th...which i don't have tickets for.

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