Have any of you seen the movie But I'm A Cheerleader?
It's about a cheerleader, with a boyfriend, whose parents decide she's gay. They send her to a "correction facility" and she falls in love with a girl while she's there.
I absolutely love this movie, and I'm currently listening to the soundtrack so I had to promote it. Yay!
Her eyes told me it may never be
As her lips closed my sentence
Saying he wasn't going to be there for her
My heart trips and falls as my ears think about this
'I would be there for you'
The voice dies in my throat -
now is not the time
Her tears are in my eyes
I cry for her
She doesn't understand, thinks she's done wrong
I feel my world evaporate
There have been a few changes since I last posted, maybe two weeks ago I guess. For one my grandfather died of lung cancer. I bought some good books. I drew a pretty picture. And MM no longer sitd behind me. Now she sits right beside me, with no one on her other side and no one on my other side. Not directly anyway.
Today in class we were passing notes. Well actually it was an entire spiral notebook. Not talking about anything relevant but on the last thing she wrote. Her arm was touching my arm a little, her head must have been six inches from my shoulder, and I could barely breath thinking about it all.
Today I'm happy
Can you see me smiling?
Summer's glow and friendship keep me so
Today I'm in love
Can you see it in my eyes?
October windswept hair framing inner brilliance
Today I've had my first kiss
Can you see a difference in me?
November chill won't reach me
Something is missing
Can you see it on my face?
Happy Birthday and where have my friends gone?
OK, currently today is fuzzly wuzzly. I'll try and piece together what I can.
Well this morning, MM and I didn't talk much, there was like forty billion (translation: eight) people between us.
Homeroom I was fuming because ex-bestfriend ignored me again. Why won't she just accept my ****ing apologies?!?! I've been apologizing for three weeks now and - calm. Deep breath. I'm done. Not the place or time. Anyway I was really ticked. But through my anger and hurt I did notice that MM was sitting closer than usual; our shoulders touched a bit. Maybe I just didn't give her as much room as always? She could've asked me to move, jokingly pushed me, sat on my other side......
No one seems to have seen friday's entry. It was huge. http://www.oasismag.com/node/view/17983
Today, MM was fairly caught up in her own goings on. She was happy to know I'm OK and wasn't brutally beaten to death over the weekend.
When I hugged her before the first class, she said "I was waiting for you to do that." I walked into three desks on my way to my seat after that. Good thing she's in none of my classes.
I just read Book_Freak's latest post thing, http://www.oasismag.com/node/view/18012 about homophobes in her town.
I never even thought of it before but actually stuff like that has happened in my school too. Not within my group of friends, copmletely not. But it has.
For instance, in my science class at somepoint last week (or last month, or yesterday, I've no idea it's all too much in my brain) we were learning about pure substances and composites (we learned this in french, I've no idea how to translate, this will be rough). My teacher said something to the effect of "Homogenic mixtures, like homosexuals, girls that like girls or boys that like boys, and heterogenic mixes, like heterosexuals, normal people" And the entire class, minus me and the two people in the room that knew about me, started LAUGHING. That's just sick. "Normal". Try "Majority" or something but not NORMAL. I don't see it as a normal/not-normal thing.
On the first night
There are tears of regret, of longing, of fear for the next day
On the second night
There are tears from the memories, bittersweet reading about her first kiss
On the third night
Eyes are dry. Feeling is lost. There is no happiness and so there must be sorrow, that only makes sense
On the fourth night
She smiles thinking of her friends, more specifically her best and their arms around each other
(I missed Thursday's entry and whatever happened then is completely forgotten because Friday was huge!)
I woke up late in the morning. I mean, I *always* wake up late but this was even later than usual. I leave my room at the time I'm supposed to be leaving my house and my dad is there waiting for me. I'm standing at the top of the stairs and he's behind me. He grabbed my shoulders and starting shaking me. "Do you need help getting downstairs?!" he was yelling. I really thought he was going to throw me down the stairs. I would've died if he had. I would be dead and gone and for the worst reason. I was so terrified I was crying. I don't really remember how I left the house, but it was without eating, without brushing my hair or teeth, without tying my shoes. I somehow caught the bus to school. I went to be alone, far away from my friends. I didn't want any of them to see me cry but the first person who came up and asked what was wrong I broke down sobbing into her shoulder. We've been friends since elementary school and I've never ever done that. She was shocked.
So homeroom during the National Anthem. There is a ridge under the whiteboard behind me to hold up markers and it was digging into my back as MM and I did our regular rebelling-against-the-anthem-and-slouching thing. MM slid over so I could stand beside her against the wall. "Look I've got an armrest!" I said putting one arm against the whiteboard ridge thing. "No fair!" she smiled. "Well here..." I put my left arm up so she could use it as her own armrest. My left, her right. Her pnky was touching my thumb. I just stared at our hands. Shivery.
This morning my bus was late. I came late to homeroom and the girl who sits beside me (so the order goes MM me her) was with me. When we came in I said "Miss me?" And MM was all "Yes, I'm so glad you came, I think my heart just stopped!" and the other girl was like "What's she doing?" And I said "Pretending she's happy to see us." And then MM turns to the other girl, looks her full in the face and says "I'm only pretending for you." Then she burst out laughing. Mine was split-second delayed because she basically said she was genuinely glad to see me.
Wow. Oh, wow. Oh wow-o-wow-o-wow! OK. Guess I should tell you why I'm so insanely happy.
Well, in LA, the clss MM sits behind me. Something touched my back. Now most people would have assumed it was the end of a pencil slipping off MM's binder behind me, but I got shivers and knew instantly it was Her. She traced a little star, identical to the ones covering my binder, twice onto the back of my shoulder. Major inner-fluttery action there lmao
She spreads her wings and flies
Her secret no longer an anchor
She laughs out loud because she can fly
But soon she's crying because she's alone.
She can't go back down,
Same as she can't turn back time
If she landed, she would crash
She sees others higher than she
More free than herself
And longs to join them
Carefree and gay
The music is screaming
So I'm screaming too
An outlet of my anger and hate
For what I don't know
Wish I did
But it consumes me
Every fibre of my being is angry, bitter
It's all I feel
Until the pang of loneliness catches up
I run away from it
But it's almost as fast as I
Take my hand, pull me away from it
Pull me away from all these emotions
Bring me to new ones
This didn't really fit into my other post today, but last night I had the most wicked dream I have ever had.
I was a princess, dressed like Jasmine from Aladdin. Only in the most gorgeous metallic purple color. My hair was lo-o-ong and straight, just like I want it to be.
I had many female slaves, dressed exactly like me but in different colors. I did not want the slaves to be slaves so I set all the slaves free and three of them (dressed in blue, green, and orange, respectively) approached me and asked if they could have jobs anyway.