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Realpolitik der Liebe

This weekend I won the scholarship that D- wanted, and when I went to tell him we ended up f***ing instead. We have always been really close, w/ no sexual tension- but we were both drunk and well... Now, when we are hanging out with friends it is awkward. He thinks its because of the sex, which it is. But it also has to do w/ the fact that I won this scholarship. It is quite a strange situation. We both share a secret, but I seem to be carrying one more.

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one month: a review: a return

Good heavens nearly one month since an update here. Amazing!

I would love to say that so much has changed, but it really hasn't. I am still hopelessly in love obsessed w. aforementioned boy . Yesterday I actually met him at a party, alas I was too drunk to make any coherent conversation w. him. Although he does seem, well a bit... odd [emo]. Nonetheless, I have created a myth out of him; he is perfection for me- despite not really knowing him all that well. Hopefully he is a jackass. [crosses fingers] then I can burst the proverbial mythical bubble which surrounds him at this v. moment [&c. &c. &c.].

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coffee boy

Part I: An exercise

I don't what his name, nor- I venture to say- shall I ever. His skin, his face, eyes, lips, ears. His smile. Oh his smile. Innocently devilish. Icons: myths: untouchable golden temples of purity. Alas! His faceimage burns in the forgetting flames of further future faces. But then, quotidian cingulomania averts my path, and I find myself, by cruel fate of unmitigated id, at his shop. Like Phoenix, from ashes, comes anew his image: the longing: the desire. From check to check his white teeth barely show. To hold. To kiss. To make drink.

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Love it and life

First- Props to Adrian for his amazing work!

And now moving onto il succo.

I never thought that I would be placed in a situation in which I did not {understand, have control}. One reads about such situations, but one- i.e., moi- is never in such a situation as such. Alas, however, ecco mi! John and I have always been friends. But never good friends. But somehow I seem to find myself in his presence, and he in mine; as such we have ben spending much more time together including him inviting me into his elite circle of friends. Suddenly last night, I became aware of the (sexual) tension between us.

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Fox's new homophobia

From my livejournal:

Fox has gone to new lows in their idiotic quest for reality television. As though Bill O'Reilly was not enough, fox has gone and produced perhaps the most homophobic atrocious television that I have yet to see- "Playing it Straight"

In this bout of moronic "reality" competitions one stereotypical attractive women must select one man from a pool of 14. But there is a catch, which the self-inflated peas-sized executives of Fox are patting themselves on the back for- not all the men are straight. Behold, therefore, the ingenious snatch- if the stereotypical woman selects (god willing) a straight man, the two share the prize of 50-50. If, however, the young harlot's IQ of 35 selects (god forbid) the gay man, than she gets nothing and the man gets everything!

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Pride qua Speech

Ladies, Gentlemen, boys, girls, and yet undiscovered genders:

One year ago I broached the issue of this mysterious conception "pride" through an analytical study of social iterations vis-à-vis Durkheim and Bourdieu. However, now I return unto you, to advance this concept of "pride" through the eyes of analytical-logic, through existentials, and through the very question of being.

One year ago I thought pride to be this mysterious notion of collective homogeneity. It was solely a social phenomenon, and as such could only be examined apart from the self, via the complexities of society as such. I was so adamant on being an individual that I mapped all action, all thoughts, all beliefs &c. onto this external creature which I dubbed, or rather calls itself, society.

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and yet &c. [3466]

Tonight was most peculiar. I went to a restaurant, that though I pass nearly every-time I go downtown, I had never been in before. Now I understand why it was not recommended.

After that I hung out with some people in the library until they kicked us out. I know I am a dork. So what. We then took the "party" to john's room. We were all just chilling, and chatting. It was uneventful. It was as one would expect from students. But then, as the conversation moved into realms which no longer held my fascination, I was thrown into the world of my mind. It suddenly become obviously clear to me how alone I was.

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this place called earth...

So I went to another party. And then another. And yes I have changed. And yes life is better. But where do I stand? What is this earth, this land?


I have come to some conclusions re myself.

1) I am evil to...

2) I am analytical of...

3) I am a listener to...

4) I am (still) afraid of...

5) I stand in a shadow of....

1) to people who like me. To people who want to be my friends. To people who want to be my lovers. I break them. I hate them. I want them. I deny them. I am evil to them.

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Fear, Change, Tom and Liza minnelli [3205]

I really can not believe it, how far I have come. How my life has done a complete 180! One year ago if I had seen the places I have gone, the people whom I now consider friends, the things I have done- I would have died. I am doing everything which I wanted to do last year, but did not- a result of my moralistic tower of self-pity and loathing constructed out of fear.

Fear of being rejected.

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eines Tages

"I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I intended to be."
~D. Adams


I am not there still.
I am still not yet free,
but one day I know I will
one day I will be me.


One year ago, a shadow fell upon me. I embodied the Underground Man- such a literary anti-hero become my idol. I was his servant, ever doing his bidding of inaction. Stuck in an endless cycle of long-forgotten hope.

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Free from the shackles of social bondage, and transcending the gay plane


My mother vis-à-vis my gayness has entered a stage of denial.

Fashion consultant

My brother supports me and has given me the position of his fashion consultant.


My grandparents and extended family are not aware of my sexual "deviation."


Kate: "I think I would love you if you did not like boys"


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Well you guys I have been away from Oasis by force and not by choice- I have been unable to log in. But thanks to Jeff's technical prowess all has been overcome.

So anyway, I have returned to the snow covered caps of Chicago. Nothing really new is here. But things are starting to look up. 2004 is a year of change for me. Both physically and emotionally.

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My new year resolutions:

I will stop lying to everyone including myself.

I will find a boyfriend.

I will formulate my novel(la).

I will write at least one page a day in my diary (non-electric).

I will go to more parties.

I will change. Into what I do not know. I might wake up and find myself a giant roach. That might be fun.

Well those are my vague resolutions. I rarely make resolutions, and those that I do usually fail. what optimism! Well I am a basket case right now so I am going to bed.

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in media res

Good heavens I am quite the witling. Apparently I am unable to do the most simple of computer functions and in the process deleted my entire collection of blogs since the new Oasis of last year this time. I apologize, but I am sure that most shall be rejoicing- for, whom I ask wants to read my rubbish of old. Well that is all gone. Although I do have it all saved on in word.



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The return of the knave...

I return unto thee. But alas, no longer do I recognize the faces, so young and so fresh!

It was nearly exactly 6 months since I departed- with the vow only return unto thee when I had changed, when I had killed that part of me dubbed etgen!

Well for six months we have battled, and at long last the war is over. The dust has settled. And I, C, am alone the victory!

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