"Don't care your god damn name I just wish you'd respect me, my body and my wishes. You've done this before before like it didn't matter. Every time I see your damn face frear stikes deep in my veins. I tremble and no one understands my Earth stattering fear. They don't understand I can't be in the same room as you. You touched me, violated my space, my privacy, and expected me me to to be okay the very next day for you to do it again. I wish I never moved here so I wouldn't have to have known you. This place has only brought me pain in every fucking entity. You have me were you want me, crying shamed and scared to move, live or do anything at all. You violated me and I took it. You sexually harrassed me.
My life isn't really interesting so if you clicked on my journal hoping for something entertaining you're out of luck.
Back to actual update. I started the new schedule with my parents, sleeping at my mom's, catching the bus there and going home to my dad's and my mom will pick me up every night at 7. It is interesting. I think I like it except for the whole being cut off from the universe at my mom's because she just moved and hasb't gotten phones, internet or tv.
I've been talking about moving for the longest time, now that it has happened it almost doesn't feel real. The phones don't work and the mail box broke (the movers killed it on the way out). But things are coming along. I'm at my dad's house which is why I have internet.
This week should be really interesting. Monday and Tuesday I'm with my dad since my mom had to go on a business trip. Wednesday and Thursday mom. And back with dad for Good Friday to dye easter eggs at my aunt's house. My grandparents will be in for Easter (the homophobic ones..) and I will be forced to hang out with them. But really my grandmother is okay. Seeing as my grandfather is a minister I don't know if he can really stray his views from the church so much.
MAP (Missouri Asessment Testing of some sort) testing is almost over! And I have the weekend to chilax and not stress over them because they are so easy.
I got my key to my mom's house today when I went with her to take stuff over. She gained ownership of her house today and is now official owner. Though when I went over there to help her. I unloaded the car and then I cleaned her house.... like the toilet, bath tub and vacuumed the only carpeting she has which is the entertainment room and hallway. I take care of my mom, I guess I feel obligated because no one else is willing to help her. My older brother is in denile of the divorce and is depressed, sleeping all the time. And my sister just wants to hang out with her friends.
I am not sure why, but I feel really gay today. I just do. Yesh I am aware I am gay but I am having one of those stupid moments of like realization "that oh wow I am gay."
People try to make me admit I'm gay in the most subtle ways, it is like they all banned together and plotted to out me. Unified is like the only class I can ever remember so example from that class. "Joe you're such a nasty ass faggot!" And Joe just says, "You momma," this happens to be a daily routine they do. And then Adam.. he is always in everyone's business trying to know who's gay and telling everyone. And Winder, (Alez) is accused of being gay daily for some unknown reason (at least to me) and I said "You can't judge someone on their sexuality," and he retorts with "You're a boy"(points to Michael),"And you're a girl," (pointing to me). I said that wasn't someoen's sexuality that was someone's gender. Gah, no one belived me. I am actually smarter than these two individuals about this topic.
Talking to Maggie today (the love of my life) and the subject of middle names came up. Her's is Ann which is my mom's middle name. My middle name is Jean (I can't stand my middle name) but that is her mom's middle name. Strange coincidence isn't it?
What's your middle name?
I feel like I'm cheating. Cheating my family. (Don't worry Maggie I would never cheat on you). I went out with my dad today. We were supposed to go boating but things didn't work out. We got there too late. And the whole time I was out with him I kept thinking about my mom. Thinking this isn't really fair to her. I haven't seen or spent time with her in a while. To make this easier I should probably recount my week.
the sun is setting on my once happy house
though to say it was happy
I'd like to leave
get up out of here
escape into happiness
for some time I haven't seen it
revisited or rekindled it
Am I not deserving?
deserving of peace?
Then why must you tear
and pick at me
when this is all I possese?
I miss the times I was happy
I put on the faux smile
every damn day
I speak to you joyfully
thought you could get away with murder
you were terribly wrong
I'm not going to let you do it
you can't kill off your wife
in this surreal world
give me the dagger
and let it be
do I turn the tables?
You tried to kill
the person that gave me life
and you've only sufficated me
crushing my hopes
my dreams in the dirt
because of ridicule
you've murdered many
in my opinion
Where do I go when my dad is trying to take full custody and my mom locked herself in my parent's bedroom?
Where do I go when all I hear is screaming?
I don't want to choose sides.
But I already have. I don't want to stay with my dad.
I want to stay with my mom the whole time.
That is so horrible that I actually say that.
My mom is still locked up in her room. It has been almost four hours.
I've been feeling kind of invisible for the past few days/weeks. It is mostly with the kids at school. I don't feel relatable with them anymore. I've got nothing left to say to them.
I feel like I'm trying to live off my friends and suck all the fun out of their life, but it isn't working because they won't even let me get close to them anymore like talk to me much.
I'm swurling down a portwhole. It's eating my social and relatability.
I know I should have told you this before.
I know it is apparent that my life is confusing as hell.
I'm sorry I didn't tell you.
I didn't want to interupt.
I didn't know how to say this.
But my life is making it hard to know how I feel.
I guess I want to tell you.
That I'm confused.
Confused on the title that I was given.
Need a dictionary definition right beside myself.
To know what I am.
I'm just afraid you'll smoke a pack a day
if I tell you my secret I keep buried away
Don't want the ridicule
You talk down to me like a habitual
bad habit, like I deserve to be locked up
like a poor little runt of a pup
Not a pure breed
just a mut in your eyes anymore
Afraid you'll smoke that pack all in a day
put the patch on daddy
I don't want to see you die this way
If I crawled up to you
My mom is an interesting person.
I told her I as gay, I get hugs and kisses.
I tell her I am questioning my religion I almost get grounded.
Both things of which my grandparents would hate me for, but I can't help that.
I asked my mom if she was going to tell her parents about me,
she got confused and answered "No, I'm not going to tell them you're questioning your faith,"
so we got into a discussion.