I've come to terms with coming out and being gay now but I was thinking on how people at school would treat me. I don't think anyone would harass me or insult me and if they did there's so many easy comebacks/defenses or just people to turn to. But still I am just feeling semi-depressed over wtf coming out will do to my already limited social life. The girls may be happy and we can go shopping and check out guys and have a blast, but would I ever invite one of them over? What would we DO? Will I ever want to go to a party?
Not so dirty as you might hope, but anyway last night I had a dream where I was at school with a classmate I knew 3+ years ago and haven't seen since that's male, and a female friend at my current school, and we were sitting down at a desk doing something and the guy said "Hey, I've heard something about you." and I guess I just gave him a questioning look, and he asked if I was gay, and I said yep, and my female friend smiled and I can't recall the rest right now, but I remembered it so clearly when I woke up and it felt just right to tell them.
It is annoying to remember to click on Create Content and not just My Journal to add a new entry. Have to start volunteering tomorrow = getting up before 12am! :0 I want to go see Pirates of the Caribbean with someone. Got female friends to go with, would feel weird emailing them to go though. Feeling very comfy with being gay, my dad is in another province for work most of the time now so just mom and me and my brother from university every few days.
Wow I have to say my title for this entry would make a greaaaaaaaaaaaaat book title. Among other things. Anyway, this is a rant. About models! They look soooooooooooo good. Nice, attracive, six-pack laced, tanned boys. It makes me sad wondering if I ever *will* look like that, and how they got like that and how awkweird the thought of a gym is. The thought of a gym is awkweird not only because it'd be embarrasing to ask the rents (the ones with the 'par' in front, duh) to go to a gym, but also because: I'd go there not knowing what to wear, wondering if I should be changing/showering or not, walking around kind of clueless I'm sure. And then if I finished early or something, I'd just be there waiting. And if not, I'd be there with a ton of fit(ter) people and having no one I knew be there. Yikes. And then swimming sounds fun, but apparantly it doesn't 'build' so much muscle as much as it keeps you super fit and if you do it for YEARS you'll get nice six-pack abs. And then starting now and doing it for ages sounds fine, since I just want to look wonderful by 22, but swimming could be awkweird TOO.
This isn't so much of a journal entry as a cry for help as to the name of this SONG!! I have heard it so many times, I first heard it around 3+ years ago at my old school, a guy with a deep voice is singing it; part of the lyrics are *something* like:
We're all we are,
(and then an acho-y voice going) Weeeee aaaaaaaaaare
And that's all (that there is?)
We're all we are,
And you've got to let it in/through/shine/I heard it on TV earlier today as a clip thing and I have never found out who sings it or the whole name or anything, google isnt so helpful even though I've tried all the combos for those lyrics and looked many pages in! It's at least 2 years old I'm sure, it's not a happy song, sort of like a 20something guy shouting harmoniously and angrily 'We are we are!' and then the echo bit and jeeze I want to know wtf the song IS! Best matches I am going to download and see if they're hits, they insert those above probably off lyrics into a lot of pop-culture show bits, as they do with Milkshake or any well-known song that fits with what's being discussed/highlighted.
Haha, well I never truly knew what the above meant, and always put it off to google it and google didn't work exactly, but my trusty bookmark for: http://www.urbandictionary.com/ did! I hope that link shows up and you can click it too. I guess I'd need to use one of the allowed HTML tags below to make it work, but which one equates to hyperlink hmm? Anyway, ty for the comments on the last one peeps, and you can all have cookies - with cream! Yes that sounds dirty and you know it, but if I type too much more into that some words may need to get censored. Anyway, that female friend of mine who is having her bday party on sat, well, I asked her in the hall how her weekend was etc. etc. and was like, oooh, 6 more days till' b-day! It's on the Monday, but she is having event on Saturday. Hmm, what I just said makes you think good, huh? WRONG.
Ooooh, well I guess if you're still avidly following my journal entires, you'll know last weekend I had a minor fiasco for X3 with a friend. Well I ended up going, my bro and mom went to Da Vinci Code and no one saw them and I met up with my female friend, and low and behold she brought along an older guy who she is friends with that looked cute and works at the movies and wanted to see movie with us! For a few minutes I was 100% thinking she thought/knew I was gay and this guy was gay or some sort of set-up. Then I realized it wasn't haha. We went in and saw the movie, she kept talking and didn't know any of the characters so we had to explain it and we all made funny cracks, he was on one side of her I was on other so we couldn't really talk, I would have liked to though, he was nice and though I probably didn't get a page of writing in to him he seemed like someone I'd like to talk to more, not just for being nice-looking!
Well today I am supposed to be going to see X3 with a friend from school, she knows it's not a date, she might suspect I'm gay, but that's besides the point. My mom decided oh, why don't I go see a movie tonight too, as per my brother's suggestion. My brother has been in university for a year now and apparantly has no friends of his own to see a Goddamn movie with, so he and my mom are going to see Da Vinci code at 7 and my movie starts at 7:20.
Sometimes you write some of it down though, except the other night I did not, and I wanted to come on here and just type type type but I did not. Yay for school ngihts. I am psyched for Sunday seeing X3 with a girl from school. She would fit me perfectly if I were straight. I think she may suspect I am gay, but I don't know if she's thinking of this as a date or what, we've never actually been to the movies together, and it'll be just the 2 of us to see X3. I was feeling so werid about giving my email out to a couple of people on this site I have exchanged PMs with, but now I am better about it. I wonder wtf I will do in University if by some miracle I find a nice hottie and want to have sexual relations with them. If they're in Uni too, then their dorm would likely be awkward. But then mine would be too, even if rooms are separate I just can't IMAGINE that. Did anyone go to college/university with a straight roomate or small dorm or can relate at all to my wacky thought pattern?
I know my titles are getting 's' one 'h' and then some 'tty' with an 'i' in there, but oh wells. I read on a blog the following: It's what the teens call "double-you, tee, eff" and it took me minutes to get it! WTF, duh! Anyways, I have been feeling content these past multiple days. I had a LINK meeting which was for the LINK group which is to promote the new gr. 9's of next year and for us to help them. I got a nice girl partner and she's a year over me, she looks very nice I must say, and is a very sweet person! I sometimes wonder if there's not really a person from my school or that I know that reads these... or if they knew about LINK then it'd be a snap of the fingers to pinpoint who I am. Oh well, paranoia takes hold. ANYWAY, paranoia hit MOI when under my name tag the name 'Will' was written. I talked with some other people in my grade, and this was all before we started the activities for the meeting thing, and I suggested the names under our name tags could = names of gr. 9's we may get. No, they = matching partners. So who goes with Will? I was thinking Smith, but it was Grace! Another duh for me. And at that point I felt SUPER self-concious, no one else had a gay popculture partner person as their nametag name. And this sounds confusing I know, but basically we got nametags, were told to find match for our name as an activity, I was will, partner is Grace, we will work as a pair in the LINK group thing to help 10+ gr. 9 kids! Anyway, the evening was fun, my partner was very nice to me, and we did a lot of fun little games and things.
Yeppers, now is one of those uptime times. I wish I had something exciting and lovely and cool or just interesting to share with you all, but all I have is I am feeling fine and not sad or mad or anything right now, and level-headed and everyone on the planet needs 9 hours of sleep and we will all have world peace I'm so sure... I dislike having to get volunteer hours, I fear for my university application in that it might be half blank with few extra-curriculars and no sports! Has anyone gone from no sports to sports and are gay and closeted at their school, or went THROUGH that? I'm chipper while I type this, YAY.
Sometimes people's words can just get to you, especially if no one has said anything mean to you in a while. Yesterday these two guys in my grade who are assholes but not violent or anything imitated me walking up some steps and I was in a rush to get up them so I moved pretty fast and I guess I have an effeminate walk at times so anyway, they did that for a sec as I reached the top and then laughed and it just bothered me. I guess that had me bummed out for most of yesterday, no one really calls me gay or anything anymore and I hardly care, but today I went into our resource room in school to get something and put down my books and two guys also in my grade and friends with the imitators from yesterday gave a little groan and whispered to each other 'so gay...' I'm 98% sure. :( I try not to act gay in school, I'm not embarrased of it, just not ready; and some little remarks get to me.
Well pretty soon I'll be entering gr 11, and there is a girl that I hang out with a lot, and she and I semi-flirt and have for the past few months and now we start to almost deliberately brush hands. THe thing is that I'm not turned on by her or girls at all no matter how many jiggling boobs I imagine or whatever, but those times we do our little flirtation I get a bit of a charge, and I love her for her personality. We also fit and would make a decent couple I think, so next year around November or Jan I think I'll ask her out. I know that it could end in disaster and I'd eventually come out to her, but I have never been kissed by either sex, for all I know a girl's lips might be a turn on. I guess I am still concerned about being gay in the world and almost want to just be straight or rather Bisexual. I think I would be able to maintain a relationship with her next year for months, under 6 but for a good while. It would also make non-believers of me claiming to be straight in school think I am, and if I don't come out in high school it'd just ease things.