Ugh, I just typed out this whole long entry but it got lost in the internet somewhere. I hate that!
No school today, not because of actual snow, but rather 'dangerous weather'. At four, when they check if school should happen, it was 2 degrees outside. By now I'm sure it's raised to a tropical 6 or 7. Obviously, that means I can work on my tan. The school district's website said:
Monday, February 5, 2007:
Due to dangerous temperatures, school is closed today.
Woo! I'm really excited because finals week is here at last.
Not worried, though. All my classes are so easy. It's basically like having another weeklong vacation.
I AM stressed about my family situation, though. It's getting a little crazy. One of these day's I'll write about it instead of cryptically referring to it.
I'm kind of hyper.
I can't help it anymore. It's official. I'm gaaaayyyyy gaaaaayyyy gaaaayyyyy. No more of the boys for me, everybody. I tried. I recognized that hey, woah, I like girls. I decided to TRY being bi. It just. Doesn't. Work. Nothing against all the bi people in the world, and on this site, but I just... can't.
This title had nothing to do with my entry, fyi. It's the title of the first chapter that the Black Canary writes in her autobiography in Birds of Prey. If you don't read comics, check it out.
So basically, I've come to realize that I could never, ever have a relationship with a guy. Not because of the whole penis-issue... but the emotional thing. I just could never be attracted to a guy emotionally. Sure, they're hot, I might jump in the sack with one someday, but... I don't know.
My grandfather died this morning. We are driving to Kentucky, leaving tonight at approximately 11 PM. That's in 7 hours.
I wasn't particularly close with my grandfather... but I still feel bad. Am I allowed to feel bad if I wasn't close with him?
I don't know...
I'm pissed off that my winter vacation is starting off like this. That makes me selfish, yes?
A lot of little things have been bothering me lately. I think I'm just starved for time to myself.
I need suggestions for some good old-fashioned 'finding myself' activities. I like to knit and I love music. I also have a fairly large and beautiful (although cold) city to explore. Help would be absolutely fabulous.
An example of a little thing that's been bothering me: On facebook, my school's GSA has a group. The thing is, there's only one gay OR lesbian in the entire group- the guy who started it, who's gay. WTF. And yes, it bothered me so much that I checked each and every one of the people's pages.
I just turned down tickets to see the ROYAL SHAKESPEARE COMPANY in THE TEMPEST. Because of a previous engagement that I absofuckinglutely cannot get out of.
THE ROYAL FUCKING SHAKESPEARE COMPANY!
BEST IN THE FUCKING WORLD?!
Tell me something that will make me feel better?
I first came out to someone one year ago today.
I JUST CAME OUT TO MY DAD OH MY GOD.
That is all.
We left it hanging.
It is spirit week at my school.
Tomorrow is hippie day.
Tomorrow is also National Coming Out Day.
I want to do something. Something big, maybe.
But I also don't.
And it's hippie day, which hides most of the rainbows away. Kind of.
What to do?
I just found out that my favorite teacher ever
who was my hero and mentor
and was for all the while that we were in the same building
has lung cancer.
Kind of catatonic here.
I hate cancer.
Fuck being a professional tech
When I grow up
I'll cure cancer.
Well, life's been life and school's been school.
But I've discovered something wonderful...
THEATRE GROUPS! YES! Everyone is so absofuckinglutely AWESOME and I love it to death. Yes.
But I always wonder about what people think of me. In that way I'm kind of an attention whore. If someone isn't smiling/talking to me I go "Oh, shit. What did I do to bug them?" then I try to get myself out of their bad graces, even though usually I'm not in the first place. And I actually DO bug people by doing that. Or at least that's my theory. Nobody seems irritated at me...
I think I should just get it out there right now. Not gonna lie- I hate my school like no other. It's only my second day, but everything is just so blah and I don't have any friends, period. Everyone's so focused into their little cliques.
I suppose it might be because, you know, we are all freshmen and not used to the 'big school' (bullshit), but I wish they would loosen up a bit! I see all these interesting people, but it's not like I can go up to them and be like, "Hi! Can I sit with you? You're in my Latin/Geometry/English class!"
I'm not out to the whole world yet- only a couple people. It's important to me that I chronicle the exact people and situations that have happened so far, even if it's only to laugh at them when I get older.
Firstly, I would like to say that I prefer the term 'queer' when talking about anything to do with gayness. It's easier than the politically correct alphabet soup that has replaced normal speech. When I used the word 'queer' in an English assignment, though, my teacher was completely shocked. I had to explain to her after class exactly my reasoning- not the most fun thing ever.
I had a freaking awesome day of silence. Seriously.
So, in the morning I woke up and wore all black (way different than normal) and all my rainbow gear so that the rainbows would stand out against the darkness.
And then I went to school. I had a couple little notecards (rainbow again) that explained what I was doing. All my teachers were fine with it, though I did have to sing in choir. I didn't talk.