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"if we were created in god's image, god crushed fire ants with his thumb and avoids tough questions." ~Buddy Wakefield


So yeah. I've been to all my classes now:
Art History: only has 20 kids in it... I guess that's the advantage of doing liberal studies for the first year. We're reading The Epic of Gilgamesh. It's frakkin' dope. I think the Odyssey is next. One of the kids on Tuesday said that one of her goals for the class was: "I just wanna emerge myself in knowledge!" So hopefully that was a spoken error and not a predictor of the intelligence level of the class.

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muscle milk is mad chunky

Last night I went on a Ninja Mission. I knew The Redhead's first name, dorm, and floor. HOWEVER, the dorm in which she (and I) live has a bunch of sections and I didn't remember which section she was on.

SO after JM, a friend of mine from high school, fed me home(dorm)made mac-and-cheese, we ninja'd our way to her floor and looked on the the doors for her name (because the RAs put everyone's names on the doors oh so conveniently). Found her. And I wrote on the whiteboard on her door: "Redhead- Lunch? Zev *my room number and section*"

Now we wait.


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i hope the rising black smoke carries me far away

"No Children" by the Mountain Goats.


Mom and Sister showed up with the rest of my stuff today. My shelf is all books and Buffy DVDs. My hats are hung on the wall. I have a lamp. There's a rug in the common area of my suite. Score.

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i'm super busy but

the one thing i want to say about dorm life (even though college is great and i'm doing alright and whatever)




fuck yes. I am exactly the person that I want to be.

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i guess this makes me a grown-up?

College. I'm in it. Writing a journal from a dorm room.


It's been overwhelming and not set satisfying, but that's okay. I came up here by myself- hitched a ride to the city with a family friend, slept on a couch last night, then walked my little self to campus and checked in. I only have half my stuff, but my parents will bring the rest when they drop Big Sister off at her school uptown.

I've never had a nosebleed before. I've gotten 3 in the last 48 hours. One during a campus tour. So that was fun.

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and here is the rain

So yeah. Hurricane. That's a thing.


Yesterday was a great day. Codie and I went to see Cowboys and Aliens with Coach and it was SO FRAKKING GOOD. Like, these guys with rifles and funny hats rode horses and fought these creatures from outer space. DOPE.

And Codie gave me an adorable cow flash drive as a present, which is just like the smartest present ever. So cute. So useful. Right?

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girlfriend has feelings

I want to sleep. Right now. Just fall asleep and wake up tomorrow. Cuz I have a cold and I wore myself out today and I want to have energy for tomorrow.

But no. My girlfriend has feelings. So I will stay awake until 10 pm so that I can listen to them. Because I'm awesome. Ugh.


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oh. hello.

I'm back.

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where i'm going this time

Just so ya'll know, i'm doing the ol' disappearing act again. I'll be officially back at home in my house on... the... 20th... ish... or something... but I'll have internet on and off.

So where am i going!

1. I'm sleeping over at Adam's tonight. Cuzz he's gonna leave for college while I'm out and away. T_T I'm gonna miss that crazy kid. I'm giving him the sippy cup that he always drinks out of for a present.

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Desire, Poem, Journal, Plug

1. I want there to be one person who tells me they saw it coming. One person to whom I say "hi, I'm a transguy," and they say "I knew it all along."


2. A poem:

He asks me if I'm being safe on the internet.
Then, if I'm getting into anything that I won't be able to get out of.
Finally, he makes sure I'll be safe with my roommates at college.
I answer concisely, knowing that I'm never on trial with him,
but I am a client. That we are negotiating.
That I will outline the deal I'm proposing and he will choose to accept each part of the agreement separately

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my social life got better

So I didn't want to sleep at home after expecting to stay at Adam's, so I got in my car and drove around and picked up-



SGQ is no longer a sophomore and not really identifying as genderqueer SO to avoid any confusion I am announcing right now that SGQ will henceforth be known as Codie and I will be using neutral pronouns until Codie tells me what pronouns ze prefers.

Okay. Back to your regularly scheduled mood swing.

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my social life sucks

I was supposed to go to a shark week party with Adam and Crysta tonight. Drink some drink. Smoke some smoke. Talk to folks. Leave my house. But I just got uninvited.

Adam texted me saying that 1. crysta said there would be transphobes and 2. crysta didn't want me to come cuz she didn't want to get drunk and fondle me.

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justification, gendershit, a pretty picture

I am tired of justifying my gender. I am tired of justifying it to myself and to my family. I'm tired of being a teaching tool.

And that's not necessarily true. I was talking to Crysta (I still want to make out with her ALL THE TIME. ugh.) and I explained it to her, and she got it so well, and was so good with the pronouns, like inhumanely amazing at it, and it was validating. She learned about another lifestyle from me and she got it. She'll be able to educate others.

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my week away

I'm starting the writing of this journal on Sunday, July 24th. Probably won't post 'till I get home. But here's what my week has been:

Wednesday: I woke up at 5:20 and Adam, SQG, Cdub, and I all got into mom's car. She drove us to the airport where Coach, NW, and JLo were waiting. We got on a plane. It flew. For like 6 hours. Plus a 1 hour layover in Atlanta. So that took a while. We got to San Francisco at around 12 because time zones are magic like that. Took the train to Berkeley, walked for what seemed like forever to the campus.

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sorry to double post but i just want to say

Goddamn it. I've been running from this for too long.
I'm trans.

It is true and it is a fact and I like male pronouns better than female and when I imagine what my body is it does not have a chest. It... is still shaped like me. But minus the hips and minus the chest. I want to introduce myself at Zev. I want male pronouns.

I don't care if it's constructed and I don't care if I'm a product of everything around me, I'm tired of dodging it with all the theory and the theorizing.

I want to do this.


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