whateversexual_llama's picture

when you fall into a bottomless pit, you die of starvation

It's been such a chill week, man. I'm so relaxed.

Sorry I've been absentish, at least from journal posting. I'll give you the updates...

things I'm working on:
~Katie and I are working on group-piecing the poem she found on the internet. I posted it a few entries ago.
~I just found the poem I wrote to be my poem about-juggling-while-juggling piece. Definitely need to brush this one off and learn the routine for it.

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apostrophe: addressing an intangible object

Apostrophe

You've been my imaginary friend since birth
but I had to keep you a secret.
I knew I couldn't hide you in my bathing suit
I knew you didn't match the bra
We grew apart
but all these years I've felt you
pumping phantom hormones into my bloodstream
changing me.
I named myself like the real boys
name the dicks they never had to pretend into existence
like they realize how completely so simple an organ created them.

This is my long distance phone message
to the penis I touch only in fantasty:

Your absence makes me perverted

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More Than I could Chew

My girlfriend is a crazy person. I mean, I love her to death and all, but she's insane.

So we were texting last night while we were both babysitting. She was babysitting for the 6-year-old kid of this lesbian couple, and she told me about wanting to ask the parents how they deal with the issues of raising a kid as queer adults, about looking around thinking "This could be my life someday," about being terrified about having to explain the concept of hell to a five-year-old, about the homophobia and the hatred.

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Five Years

I've been on this site for five freakin' years!!!

What the effffff.

That's like half a decade! I don't even REMEMBER five years ago.
i mean, seventh grade, spring. But really.
That's so long!!!

~~~

Poetry youtube channel: boscotherat

I put up two poems that I had recorded and sitting around. I'll record more later.

~~~

I'm going to see Judith Butler talk about Israel in New York with my sister this friday! squeee. I love JButz. So much.

~~~

...that's actually all I have to say. kbye.

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Rambles

Why do I get myself into such madness?

It's 8 pm on a Friday and I have 8 hours of work, then a babysitting job tomorrow night. I'm sick and I'm tired and I've been ignoring my senior research project for MONTHS. Hopefully I can do some of it on sunday before going to work again...

Weekends are supposed to be restful, no?

~~~

Sorry about the mindbogglingly angsty post yesterday. It was unlike me. I have been unlike myself lately. Just two more months till graduation.

~~~

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Lost Without You

It's almost midnight and I'm watching as, pixel by pixel, a tear runs from the inside corner of her eye, over the bridge of her nose, and out of the frame. I'm trying to find her through the webcam and her averted gaze, waiting to feel some burst of magical energy that will give me the ability to reach through it all and simply brush the saltwater from her cheeks.

But I can't. So I watch, cheek leaning on my knees, breathing quietly, waiting for a sign telling me it's okay to joke again. Waiting to know what she's thinking. Waiting for her to gather herself.

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Work, Binder, School, Blah blah

I feel like I always mention work in an offhand way. It deserves a shout-out. Let me tell you about my job.

I work at a doggy day care. Basically, I go into a room filled with 20-30 dogs and spend a few hours mopping up their pee, picking up their poop, and breaking up their fights. I spend some time out front, cleaning, fetching dogs for owners, making dinners or lunches, changing mop buckets, giving baths, whatever.

I love it.

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I'm here and you're there

I am a second-semester senior and I'm no longer producing an entire play all by myself. Shouldn't that mean things are LESS stressful? God. I'm drowning in calculus and my job and homework and lack of sleep. Three more months of this.

~~~

Anyway, on the good news front, a grownup friend of mine said she'd order me a binder! I'll pay her when it gets to her house and I won't have to talk to my mom (who's still convinced that genderbending is the same as transitioning. It's not. grumble) about it, which is just great.

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We're gonna ride the racecars

What an exhausting day.

I got up at 9 and did calculus alternately with eating, cleaning, and doing english homework until noon, when I went to work

work from noon till 6

then I babysat from 7 till... now.

~~~

And tomorrow I have a show with my Shakespearean Studies class. Not a show, really, but a workshop. Our Lord Chamberlain called in sick so I got to memorize his lines superfast.

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Run Free

It's funny how hard things come crashing down when you put them off for a while.

And by things, yes, I do mean calculus.

Anyway.

~~~

I agreed to do this lesbian collab channel on youtube. Feel free to check it out- lezbianstotherescue.

It seems to be starting off pretty slow but we'll see how it goes.

~~~

Today in school, we were in Shakespearean Studies, running a scene that we're doing for a festival on Sunday. We were wearing our costumes- me in a dress. Silliness. Running around saying "I'M A PRINCESS!!"

Sally came up to me and said "I hate you."
I said "Why?"

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shopping and genderqueer philosophizing

Today was a shopping day. About twice a year, my mom gives me permission to (within reason) use the credit card and do what I want.

Mostly I needed pants. I lost a lot of them to Dog Sees God costumes that never made it out of the dressing room grumble grumble.

Shopping for jeans is always fun. I've mastered the strategy- mostly I just peruse the fuck out of men's clearance racks. American Eagle straight-cut make me look like a hipster dude, anything from pacsun is great.

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Hello

Hello.

Hellooo.

~~~

I'm back. And by I'm back I mean:
my girlfriend is in an airport terminal getting ready to head back to Minneapolis maybe if her plane ever comes in,
my busy busy weekend is overrrr,
and
most importantly
MY PLAY IS FUCKING OVER I'M DONE NOW YEYYY.

So let's talk about that goddamn play one
more
time
and then I'll shut up about it forever and that will be lovely for everybody involved.

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Day Off

*sips coffee*

So I didn't go to school today. Mostly because I need to catch up on schoolwork. My senior research project outline is due today and I haven't even started. Stupid play.

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and whisper some silver reply

oh
my
god
I have so many things to tell you about!

Let's go back to Saturday. I got off work at 9:30 and came home and showered the dog poop smell off of me. Then it was time to get ready for the Rocky Horror Valentine's show!!!! Which was awesome. Since it was Valentine's, it was all very underwear themed. Shannon and I had decided to dress up in advance, so I decided I'd take Charles out for the day and do UNDERWEAR DRAG.

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help a director out?

((Okay, so I'm working on my director's note for the program of Dog Sees God, and I wanted to test it out on you guys first. I know there are some theatery people here who can tell me if this is even close to what a director's note is supposed to be and some intelligent people here who can tell me if it makes sense and some gay people here who can tell me if it's inspiring enough. So, here it is:))

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