bratalamay's picture

i think she knows

so i've kind of become good friends w/ the girl i have a crush on (see previous journals), which im realy happy about. the other day, the day before yesterday, i think, i was IMing her and asking her what all her favorite things were. i asked her what her deepest, darkest secret was, and she said, "i'll tell you, if you tell me who the girl is" (she knows i have a crush on a girl, she just hasnt been able to figure it out yet) so i said, "o, well, then forget it." so then she started asking me questions about her, and some of them i couldnt say because if i did, she would figure out that it was her. then, all of a sudden, she goes, "gasp. i know who it is!" and im like, "who?" and then, she does this really weirdo thing, she types her name, but backwards. i didnt get it the first time, but after she typed it a few more times, i realized it, but i didnt let her know that i got it. i suppose in some ways im relieved that she finally figured it out w/o me having to tell her, but im nervous as to where this is going to lead. yesterday, i was IMing her again, and it went something like this:

bratalamay's picture

CWD (Crush Withdrawl Syndrome)

damn, what now? my summer sux so far b/c the only reason i have to leave the house is to babysit for family friends, and my social life is (STILL!!!!!) nonexistent. im so bored, and im not enjoying the fact that ive gone more than a few weeks w/o seeing my crush's face or hearing her voice. shes hardly ever even online anymore. ugh. anyway, i g2g to bed cuz im babysitting my niece at 10 tomorrow morning.

bratalamay's picture

i think im in love again, only......w/ a guy?????

wow, i feel so bad about not having posted in a long time. i guess my female life just isnt that interesting anymore :-P. anyway, i just had a b-day on may 25, and i turned my lucky number. weird thing, ever since then, my life has seemed to take a turn for the better. i had the first sleepover ive had in years, i finally have someone i can call a best friend, and the girl im in love w/ and i are becoming friends again! fun, fun. except, a little bit of a topic switch here, i think i have another crush, and its a boy! have u ever had one of those moments where u catch someone staring at u and u stare back, but just b/c theyre staring at u, not b/c theres some romance thing? that happens to me a lot, but, again, i never feel anything. but one day during lunch at school, i caught this one boys eyes and he was kind of side-glancing, but then he turned his head and actually looked at me. usually this kind of thing wouldnt bother me any, but he was pretty know, for a guy. i thought i had figured this out but now im back to square....not one, but ive gone back some. now i cant stop staring at both of them, the boy, and the girl (who ive been in love w/ longer then the boy). what do i do now?

bratalamay's picture

awkwardness, clumsiness, and haircuts, OH MY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

well, long time no post. sorry bout that to all of my adoring fans who couldnt wait for me to post again :P. anyway, where to start? hmm... well, the girl that i like and have had past experiences w/ (once again, see previous journal entries ;-), its getting easier to talk to her, even though we both know the other one senses the weirdness. she got a haircut this week and i cant decide whether or not i like it, if its just okay, or if it just completely ruins her style. *sigh* even w/ the haircut, im still sufferring from unrequited love. apart from that, my school life still sux, my home life is getting better (mom has a job brother isnt getting drunk every night), and my social life is still nonexistent. but, like my quote says, dont let me bring you down with my complaints, this is just one of the only places i feel like i can totally unload. so, dont listen to me, HAVE FUN Y'ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!

Which part of GLBTQ are you?

22% (15 votes)
42% (28 votes)
12% (8 votes)
4% (3 votes)
12% (8 votes)
1% (1 vote)
6% (4 votes)
Total votes: 67
bratalamay's picture

this girl, i swear to GOD!!!!!!

so theres this girl whom i have had past experiences with (im getting tired of saying this over and over and over and over and *smacks self*) and i have a MASSIVE crush on her. shes tortured me so much (she doesnt know it) and now its WORSE (i didnt think it could get worse, but these things with me can ALWAYS get worse). she sprained her wrist skateboarding over the weekend and i just want to hold it and kiss it and make it all better (lame, i know, but its true). then, on my way to ninth period, i dropped my books and someone stopped to help me pick them up (amazing, i know). i thought at first it was some sixth grader trying to get a sticker for positive atiitude da -gag-, but then i looked and who other than....HER!!!!! *butterflies flutter trying to escape by any means necessay from rememberring the moment* i said thanks and asked her how her wrist was. she said it hurt like hell, which only made me want to hold her more!!!!! jesus. (sorry if that offends anyone) this girl just doesnt know what shes doing to me :-(. she knows im in love w/ someone, she just doesnt know that its HER!!!!!!!!!!!!! not to mention the fact that i still dont know whether im bi or full-on lesbian YET!!!! gggrrrrrr.....*inhales....exhales* i think im ok now. thanks for being willing to listen to (or watch, i guess :-) babble on incoherently ^_^.

bratalamay's picture

Tu (Spanish and English translation)

Llene mi vida
Con tristeza y alegria
Llene mi alma
Con sosiego

Llene mis pensamientos
Con dudas y preocupaciones
Pero vale la pena
Para mirar la cara de mi amor

Los rumores no pueden dolerme
La verdad no puede salvarme
Tus vistazos pueden distraerme
Bastante para derretir mi corazon

Tu eres peligro en la forma de un humano
Pero magnetico, en un aspecto
Tu presecia es un comodidad

bratalamay's picture

my "candy girl" (lol :-)

i have no doubts anymore, im love!!!! during ninth period in school today, i saw the girl i have a crush on throw something to another girl i know who then popped whatever was just thrown at her in her mouth. she looked at me and i mouthed the word "ew". then, the girl i have a crush on looked at me and mouthed, "do u want one?" i mouthed, "what is it?" it was some kind of sour icebreaker thing that ive had before and theyre really good. i nodded and she threw one at me. it didnt land anywhere near me so we both cracked up....WE SHARED A MOMENT (sort of)!!!!! then, i got up to get something from my locker and on my way out i tossed her a piece of gum....WE SHARED GUM (although not in a liplock like i would have preferred :-)!!!! i dont know what to do about his. we agreed we could be friends but i can hardly talk to her in school (i usually cant think of what to say) except for some banter-type stuff that doesnt mean anything (and we IM sometimes). GRR!!!!! i would like to be better friends (if not more) w/ her but its really hard (see previous journal entries for specific reasons). not to mention i dont know if im still in the "questioning rut" or not...UURRRRGGGGG!!!!

In this world (and your opinion), do u think there are more...

straight people?
41% (20 votes)
gay men?
0% (0 votes)
lesbian women?
0% (0 votes)
24% (12 votes)
i have no clue whatsoever.
8% (4 votes)
its a tie (please specify :-).
2% (1 vote)
impossible to tell.
10% (5 votes)
this is a lame poll.
14% (7 votes)
Total votes: 49
bratalamay's picture

that smile of hers is going to kill me...

i swear, that smile is going to be my downfall. to bring up to speed those of u who r new or havent followed my journal, this is the girl who told me she might be bi, we started "going out", then she turned around and spread a rumor around the whole school that i was a lesbian (which i am, i just wasnt entirely positive about it at that time :). it was kind of awkward b/w us for a while after that, especially once i got up the nerve to talk to her again (just simple witty banter every now and then type thing). so i was IMing her last night and i said "would u think of us more as friends or accquaintences (sp?)?" she said "idk." but we ended up agreeing that it wouldn't be TOO awkward for us to be friends (-:!!!:-). so after school today, i was gathering stuff from my locker to go home, and she and one or two of her friends (i dont know for sure, they werent what i was looking at ;-) and i waved goodbye to her and she waved back and SMILED this absolutley wonderful, adorable, heart-melting smile . only problems are: 1. our past experiences, 2.her friends hate me, 3.she probably is bi (not the problem) and she knows im in love w/ someone, she just doesnt know that its HER!!!!! UUUURRRRGGGG!!!!! too confusing :P.

bratalamay's picture

i feel light as AIR!!!! ^_^ (this entry is a little long, but please, share my happiness :)

omigod, i think i might be in LOVE!!!! ok, ok, ok, *takes shaky, pathetic attempt at a deep breath* ok, so in 7th period at school today, we had this poet come in and do a poetry slam type thing, and after he did a few he told us to write our own and some people would perform theirs. so i wrote down my latest one "5-foot Beauty" (see my journal if u want to read it, maybe this will make more sense to u ;-) and volunteered to go. as the first few people were going, i started thinking to myself, "Omigod, what if the girl i wrote this for realizes that its about her???? o.O". so then, finally, it was my turn. i went up there and read it as best i could, and when i sat down, i saw her glancing at me like she does a lot, except i could practically read her thoughts, and i knew....she knew. then finally, FINALLY, the bell rang, and as i gathered up my stuff to go, she started walking towards me. and then, to my amazement, she said, "that was a really cool poem." i said thanks and then she left the classroom. our lockers are in the same hallway, and during passing period, she looked at me, not glanced, LOOKED. she seemed like she wanted to say something. we had next period together and i had left my gym clothes in my locker. as i was sitting on the bench in the girls' locker room getting dressed, i had a fantasy of her coming in and apologizing and telling me she loved me. crazy, i know, but then, who should walk in but HER!!!! i was amazed o.O. i didnt say anything, until she said, "Missy (this other girl i know) thinks that poem u wrote is about her and shes bragging about it and stuff." i sad,"thats crazy." "she was all, 'lets start another rumor!' i was like, 'thats just dumb'" she said. then as i was walking out, i told her i was glad she liked the poem. we shared odd "eye locks" the rest of the day. it was cool... i cant believe im saying this, but i cant wait for school tomorrow!!!! i think im in love...

bratalamay's picture

5-foot Beauty

5-foot Beauty
Why must you torture me
With awkward glances
From your whirlpool eyes?
Your walk, so fine
In black Etnies?
Your smile,
Your lips
So tempting?
You came to me
Then turned back
Only to hurt me, so.
I try to be mad
But I cant stay away
From my
5-foot Beuty
Why must you torture me
With knowing glances
And no nerve to speak?

bratalamay's picture


Why must people
Live lonely lives
And cry themselves
To sleep?

Why is the only
Time they feel alone
Is when they
Sit and weep?

Why cant people
Do their part
And help when
There is need?

Because most people
Just don't care,
They can't compress
Their greed.

bratalamay's picture


We all ask questions
We think should be simple
Like, Why are we here?
And, What do we do?

We all ask questions
Not always out loud
Like, Why am I me?
And, Why are you you?

We all ask questions
We may never answer
Like, Why did that happen?
And, Of all days, why now?

We all ask questions
Don't worry, it's okay
The important thing is
Live life, don't ask how.

bratalamay's picture

a very small but o so significant load off my shoulders

so i'm reading this book called "Fly On The Wall", and it's about this girl who wishes she were a fly on the wall of the boys locker room, and it actually comes true (usually this kind of thing is too Sci-Fi for me but its actually pretty cool). so she's all freaked at first, then she realizes where she is and is looking at all these naked high school guys for all nine periods throughout the day. and so now i'm extremely relieved at this very small step toward figuring out my sexuality, because thinking about watching a whole bunch of naked high school guys doesnt interest me, it bores me (and disgusts me a little, too :). add this with what i said in a previous entry (i think i'm in love w/ the girl i "went out" w/ who turned around and spread rumors about me) and i'm feeling 40% better than i did last night :-) just 60% more to go and hopefully by then i'll know whether i'm straight (HIGHLY unlikely), gay (EXTREMELY likely), or bi (quite possible). the other main point of this entry is to thank the (2) people who offered me condolences last night when i felt so horrible. thnx guys.

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