well, im going home tomorrow after spending spring break at my dads house. on the way home from the last weekend i was here, i was talking to my (gay) dad and saying, "i've been thinking, what if i spent my next weekend w/ u acting like ive already figured it out that im gay?" he said, "well, what would u be doing differently?" i said, "well, i would act differently and, like, when we go shopping and ur ogling at guys i would just roll my eyes and say 'ugh', and make gay and limp wrist jokes and stuff like that." my dad says, "but u already do all that." i laughed and said, "o yeah." so i spent these past seven days doing just that, but, unlike i thought it would, it didnt help me any, it just made it more confusing. ugh. i wish i could find something to do to figure this out, or at least get me closer to figuring it out. suggestions?
fuck...i dont know what to do now. i hate my school, but i dont think i have it in me to transfer cuz 1. i have my "best" friend there (even though im not sure if we're really as close as we think) and 2. i think i'm in love w/ the girl i "went out" w/ and then she turned around and spread rumors about me. not to mention the fact that i dont even know if im straight or gay or bi or tri or w/e. i cant deal w/ this much longer. ive dealt w/ these kinds of things before but its worn me down over the years. i wish i wouldn't think about this so much, i wish it would just come to me and then i would tell people and it would be a surprise instead of, "i think i might be gay" (me), "well, u know i will love u no matter what." (both mom and gay dad). jesus... WTF???!!! please help me... people always tell me im strong for my age and all the things ive been through, and i knew that, but im starting not to feel very strong anymore... anyone?? please?
They Don't Know
All my thoughts are shut away.
My thoughts, my feelings, my psyche.
Life goes on day by day,
They all stay hidden from me.
I pick them out one by one,
They all go running back.
I try once more but people say
It's attention that I lack.
If only they knew, I've explained it just once,
What's going on in my head.
When I'm in a daze with a glassy eyed gaze
I'm trying to get back ahead.
(I'll accept comments, questions, constructive critisism, u kno- the works :)
(yawn out loud) im so frickin' bored. would somebody please tell me something or send a personal message? PLZZZZZ???? i have nothing to do. im stuck in the house w/ my grandma because my dad is at work til 5. ugh. im gonna go get some late breakfast. but i'll be back soon so SOMEBODY PLEASE TELL ME SOMETHING EVEN THE SLIGHTEST BIT INTERESTING!!!!!
*sniff sniff* it finally happened. i no longer have a best friend in either of the states ive lived in. i would have written this earlier but i was recovering from the trauma. i mean, i havent had a best friend since i moved back here, but at least i had cassie. but now shes gone too. *lower lip quivers to keep from bursting out sobbing* i cant believe i let her treat me that way. im not a doormat (anymore).
*cowers in swively computer chair* im scared for my friendship w/ my ex-"emo-goth" BFF. i IMed her and she totally snubbed me by saying she was busy on the phone w/ her supposed new bf (she's straight *gag*) so i asked her y she didnt have an away message up if she didnt want people talking to her while she was on the phone, and she said cuz she loves him (she's also very dense sometimes, which i mean in the lovingest of ways. n e way, im scared, for both her and me. i hope shes doing okay. we've been best friends for five years, which, because ive moved so many times, is the longest ive ever had a best friend. help. sentences getting shorter. not making sense. *strikes dramatic pose w/ back of hand to forehead* help!
does anyone have a definition of "emo-goth"? a couple months ago my friend from out of state started to diss me and told me she was "emo-goth" and that i was a prep, which i am SO not. she was suicidal and everything. i felt so bad for her and wished i could have helped. but somehow she pulled through it on her own because now we're BFFEAE (Best Friends For Ever And Ever) again. but im still curious as to the "emo" part of "emo-goth". anyway, just lookin for something to say.
Well y'all, its been fun my first day on oasis, but my mother is hounding me so i g2g. LUV YA!! Luv, ME!
YES! THIS IS A RANT! ANYONE WHO ISNT DEAD OR FROM ANOTHER PLAIN OF EXISTENCE
WOULD DO WELL TO COVER THEIR EARS!!!!!! *blush* i mean, um...HI! um...this
is my first journal entry here at oasis. i finally convinced my mom to let
me set up an account! my name is bratalamay and i am questioning. wait a
minute...im not at a group, im on a blog site! lol! *smacks own forehead*
wow...i guess this really is a rant :) but n e way, i really am in the Q