"how long until i'm not just dreaming, how long until somebody cares, how long until i need an angel to give me my heart, when can i start, how long until i fall in love..."
i like this song...idk who it's from but i know its called "How Long" or something like that lol...its on my myspace...sigh my ex aimed me again and FUCK i can't handle...it's like yeah i wanna be friends and all but i can't handle knowing that she's with someone else and all that crap... that she's telling the girl the same things she told me and it hurts knowing that...so many tears have fallen and i told myself so much times that its time to let go and move on but when i'm about to...she always seems to come to my mind and i can't think and i get all down again...like today...or tonite.
...this is a letter i wrote to her that i probably won't give to her but yeah...i wrote it anyways;
i've written so much letters to you, hoping and wishing that things would get better and you'd be back here in my arms, but as the days go by slowly those letters pile up with no one to read them...i realize that its useless, so i throw them all away...my feelings, my emotions, the memories,...and my heart never the same.
i finally figured out the reason why i've been going to sleep at 2 for the past week...why?....'cause i'm waiting for that call...the call from my ex...idk...i just want to hear her voice...oh yeah i wrote something at work today...here it is:
oh how my heart aches
just to hear your sweet voice
to see your radiant smile
how heaven seemed to turn to hell
just what went wrong
that you went to another
sigh. well i was chatting with my best friend on aim a little while ago and you know how that box thingy comes up and says who just signed on and stuff well it said my ex signed on...and oh my...i couldn't breathe like literally my heart was beating faster my chest was becoming tight and i couldn't breathe...i told my friend and she was saying that it was because i'm stressing out and its because of my ex.
HAHA omg...yeah okie...i was talking to one of my good guy friends and we got on the topic on my ex and how since it was hard for us to be together we were gonna wait 2 years when i grad from high school and then we can be happy well...we got on the subject whether i can go through 2 years being single and not going out with anyone...and so yeah that's how the bet came up...$50 and some drinks is
sigh. yeah love sucks. god my ex came by my working place yesterday to pick up the money for the cell phone bill and i was thinking that she was just gonna get the money and go...but no she stuck around to talk to me. gosh doesn't she know how much it hurts being so close to her, i just wanted to cry...what made it worse was when she started talking about the girl that she's with...sigh hurt so much.
Sigh i neeeded to get out i'm going crazy just staying home...the only thing i do is homework and think...and think some more, which leads to crying and i hate it already. So i went out with two of my best friends for dinner and to walk around, i was actually happy having fun...then she called me seeing what i was doing but got mad then hung up and texted me "only now you can go out but not when we're together" fuck god like i planned this...i needed to get out especially from her and i tried so hard to get everyone to trust me again so i can go out but it wasn't working as fast as i wanted it to go so we never got to see each other...oh how much i wanted to see her, hold her in my arms and tell her that i love her *tear*...sigh yeap after that we text a lil and then stopped and i watched a movie with my friends as their house...
Sigh. Yeah its been too long...3 months that i haven't been on too much problems plus...i was grounded from the computer. Well to update i went out with the girl that i had my date with (my ex) for those who read those posts. We had fun...it was love...but it was all a secret, my family couldn't find out because i knew that they wouldn't accept it...accept me. But i got caught and from there all the lies and sneaking around came around and bit me in the ass...badly. They found out about her and had her some to my house where my auntie (the "Enforcer") strictly set down the rule that there was to be NO CONTACT whatsoever. WHAT? i know, it was so hard sitting across from the love of my life cry and me myself sitting still with no emotion, so much things running through my mind when i should stood up and told her how i felt but NO i was an asshole and i paid for it.
OMG...damn i haven't been on for like...sheesh 2 or 3 months already...i am so SORRY!!
so much has happened...long story short...my life is fucked up!!
i'll probably write about it later in a longer entry so yeah...just hold on =)...but yeah a lil update and HI to everyone i;ve missed =)...
it was a great day & a good date =)
well it was my first but i liked it.
we went to see Accepted.
it was a funnie & weird movie but i enjoyed it lol.
funnie though, i was super SUPER nervous lol.
haha idk i don't really get like that with people but idk i just got nervous & it was a lil at the point where i was gonna go back home and tell her i didn't want to go.
but i stayed there lol and went & i'm happy i did =)
I HAVE A DATE today!
YAY! i actually feel happy for once. well its not one of those dates where i don't know the person, i kinda was seeing her last year but it didn't work out 'cause i wasn't really ready for a relationship i guess at the time. so yeah. we started talking last night about some stuff than about what happened to us, then she asked me out.
i'm really happy but really nervous at the same time 'cause idk i feel like this might actually work out (*knock on wood) && i kinda do want it to work out. well she's like 6 years older than me but age is just a number.
i had a dream the other night about this girl (lets call her C) & C is the girl in my other posts who i had so much in common but she kinda like...dumped me. okies well anyways.
i had a dream & she was in it. i don't remember the the whole thing but i see her face and everything but its all hazy lol. but yea. the part i do remember is that i decided to call her and when i did she asked "so now you realize?" and i automatically said "yes". idk what the hell thats about but my unconscience self did. weird. so we talked and decided to meet up with each other & i guess get back together.
i'm falling back into despair
everytime i think of you
even if i don't want to
you're the only thing on my mind
i just wish i was that to you
thinking of that one day we spent together
makes me happy and sad at the same time
i never thought that someone could affect me this way
this time i wasn't the one doing the dumping
i was the one being dumped
how it hurt?
it hurt too much
with all that i have and all that i wanted to give
ah. i am so irked right now. ok. this is the convo that i just had with this guy that i don't really like, but i'm not mean enough to tell him go away lol. here it is:
john: what is the truth?
me: huh? ah the truth. i'm still finding that out.
john: ask me i know the truth
me: you know the truth? ok. if you know the truth then, why don't i like guys?
john: i thought you were bi? and because most guys aren't nice
"the truth will set you free" ah the famous line. & its true. never would've thought that all those damn movies or weird shows actually had its purpose in life. Believe me; things aren't as they seem or how they are portrayed. So why listen to others when you can do your own thing and find out by yourself? Think for yourself. You are living your life, not anybody else. Be Proud of who you are.