808Chik's picture

.realization.

ah i'm bored. well. not really bored just a little off i guess. 'cause there are so much things running through my head & its kinda driving me crazy. damn. i never would've thought that i could stand by and think of all the things thats happen to me & wish that none of it happened. what is up with that? idk. i probably know the answer but just in denial 'cause its all that keeps me from the truth and what i'm really like. yeah. so many people think they know me & i don't blame 'um 'cause i can be as open as a damn book. but no one knows the person that lies deep inside. NO! i'm not asking for help, pity, charity, or anything of that matter. i don't even know why i'm writing all this in a blog. damn. what's wrong with me? shit i wish that i could accept the truth. it'll be much easier but i'm afraid of hurting. its too much but i need to do it 'cause its not going away. it keeps on building and building & i'm getting deeper and deeper in it. IT? ah. love//lust//like IT is. i don't know how i can go on each day making like nothings gonna happen, no ones gonna notice, & i'm not gonna get caught. i just want to be alone. but how can i do that when people keep on coming into my life, leave me when things come good, and come back into my life like nothing was wrong. how can love [or whatever it is] feel like shiit & the best feeling in the world at the same time? why can't things be easy? oh yeah. nothing is easy. fuck. that's the truth right there. i can't do this anymore. i want to get my life straight and stop hurting; myself & those i love and care for. shiit. i never realized how much of a mess i'm in. i'm screwed. no one to blame but myself. no one deserves the hurt more than i do. its better to do it now than later when it will feel much more worse & i can't get out of it without hurting someone more than i would now. the consequences? damn. i'd have to live with them. but its better than living a life thinking that everythings alright...and it isn't. this is about being honest with myself & everyone else. thinking. damn. has my life been a lie? how long will i go and think i know the truth but it really is a lie? fuck. too much thinking. i need some sleep. ok. night everyone & be safe.

808Chik's picture

.i'm so off.

well. i'm not sure where to start. i'm kinda still wrecked by the situation too. but damn. i need someplace to rant and blah, so i can get outta this weird depressing state i'm in. ah. well okie. here it goes:

1) i met the chik from downelink. omg i fell for her really bad & meeting her just made me fall even harder. but the sucky thing is that the day after we met. she said that she was going to be too busy and wouldn't be able to give me her all, so she broke it off and said that we could try again. omg heartbreak. yea i know its only been about 3 or 4 days but it kinda hurt 'cause i liked her so damn much. so yea i moped around and still kinda am now. but then today i found out one of her friends died in an accident, now i feel like shit 'cause she's going through a lot now and here i am feeling like the world is ending. so now i'm ok 'cause i understand what she's going through and its hard.

808Chik's picture

.i just don't know what to do.

what do you do when your torn between two people?

idk. my love life is weird. when one person goes out of it, another person comes in. ok. well in my other post i explained about the girl that i met about a week or two ago and how she started to ignore me and stuff. well i met someone else and she's really coo, we have a lot in common and it feels like i already know her from somewhere but i can't seem to put my finger on it lol. but well i'm beginning to like her and all i can think about is...her. Then, yesterday the other girl called me up and asked why i didn't call her anymore and stuff, but its weird 'cause i ended up talking to her friend who told me that I was all that she would talk about and he wanted to know if i'd go out with her.

808Chik's picture

.i'm buzzin.

damn. i'm like buzzin rite now lol. so i'm feelin good, but its sucks that tomorrow i'm gonna feel all the pain and stuff again. at least though, i can forget about everything tonite. NOT! damn. i'm like all feeling good but i still think about everything thats happened & it sucks 'cause it took a long time for me to put all my feelings and stuff away to a lil place i wasn't ever gonna open again, but NO. it all came out again now i'm paying for it. yup yup. but fuck it all i don't care rite now. wait til tomorrow. i just cant deal with all this shit anymore, my body can't take it either. i'm kinda getting sick i think, i've been having big ass headaches lately & its so bad i feel really sick and can't do things. idk whats going on but its not good.

808Chik's picture

from start to end in a week.

i'm not sure whats wrong...and no its nothing big so don't get your hopes up lol...well...okie...i met this chik on myspace last week and we've been talking and stuff...idk i feel kinda weird, its not how i usually get with people i start to like, its a lil different...and i'm suppose to meet her this weekend...kinda scary and yea i know about the whole "don't-meet-people-you-don't-know" speech, so save it for someone else lol...but i think that might've been cancelled 'cause of lil' ol me being stupid.

808Chik's picture

if only she'll listen...

damn...one of my best friends is in germany and she called me today because she's homesick and is having problems with family...we talked about normal stuff and about our other friends, but there's one thing i really wanted to talk to her about but i can't tell her 'cause i'm sworn to secrecy...and it sucks because seeing her hurt, is something that also affects me 'cause i care about her too. okie...the problem or issue that i wanted to tell her about is her boyfriend (her first boyfried), the dude is 20 and she's only 15...yea...and her boyfriends cuzin told me that he treats her like shit and is ashamed to go out with her because of how she dresses. damn him...the first time i met him, i knew that he wasn't gonna be as good as she described him to be, the frickin guy breaks up with her for no good reason, but then later begs her to take him back 'cause he CANT live with out her...guess how many times this has happened?...oh too many to count...yeap the fricking guy is an ass, but she can't see it so she keeps taking him back...UGH...this frustrates me so much 'cause she hurts too much and i witness all of this...god i hate the guy for real, but she is so in love with him that even she won't listent to me.

808Chik's picture

so confusing...

blah.

gosh...what is it with my exes?...idk...okie well they both go to my school...and well if anyone wants to hear those stories...jus ask and i'll tell...but anyways...

my ex-girlfriend just started talking to me and it feels kinda weird...i guess 'cause since i broke up with her twice...i'm feeling a lil' guilty...and i should 'cause it is my fault but i hate feeling like she's expecting something that i can't give her...even my ex-boyfriend...god...he's even worst 'cause it seems like he wants something to happen again...but he has a new girl now...so...ah no i'm not gonna get back together with any of them...its just confusing with the way that they both act to me...i guess what my friend told me was true...she said that i leave lasting impressions with people...idk...

808Chik's picture

my auntie knows...

Well...when i came home from the parade yesterday, my auntie was asking me questions like do you have friends that are gay?, are you gay?, and stuff like that...my first reaction to her questions was to deny it because she was one of the people who i know wouldn't want me to be this way, so i told her no but then she wouldn't leave me alone and i ended up telling her parts of the truth...'cause me auntie is someone who thinks too deeply and i knew that if i told her i was bi/lesbian she would be asking me why i felt like i was and what made me realize this...and since i wasn't in the mood to be answering sooo much damn questions, i told her i was questioning everything and wasn't sure...so she goes into this mode where she tells me to go soul-searching to find out why i'm feeling this way and see what i'm lacking inside to make me this way...and gosh...i swear it's soooo irking 'cause with my auntie it's so hard to argue with her, or even to make her see that this is who i am and that should be enough for you, why do i have to answer all these questions in order to make you support me and accept me for who i am?...

808Chik's picture

Pride Parade...so FUN!

YAY! The Pride Parade was today and it was fun...despite the fact that i barely knew anyone in Rainbow Revolutionaries (the group i was with)...but one of my good "sexxi" bi friends came with me lol...she's cool...it was so awesome...and our group was behind the float full of gay guys who were dancing to cool techno music...it was so fun...plus we were handing out candy to the people that were watching and there was some cute people especially the japanese tourists ;p...

808Chik's picture

stupid...

well...lately i was kinda in a daze about my ex because when i talked to him the other day he said he wasn't doing too good, so being the nice and caring person i am...i was worried. But when i saw him today after school he was acting stupid...he stood in my way on the sidewalk and wouldn't let me pass and i was being nice too, i asked if he wanted to come to the Pride Parade/Festival with me & my other friend and kinda be our bodyguard (bad idea 'cause he's a wimp, but anyways)...and then he got all stupid and started fighting with his friend and other weird stuff, and my friend was asking me what i saw in him & at that moment...i didn't have a clue...

808Chik's picture

Pride Parade anyone?...

hey...omg...Pride Parade is on Sat. and i'm so happy that my friend decided to come with me 'cause i didnt want to go alone...this is gonna be my first march and i hope its going to be fun plus i hope i can meet some cool new people...
Well...anyone from Hawaii that didnt know about it, its on Sat. June 24, 8:30 am @ Magic Island...
...I guess i'll tell you guys how it goes, unless you attend :)

808Chik's picture

worthwhile...

this is short & simple and the result of boredom :p

the days go by without a glance, back into the past
or straight into the future, but in the present
life is just a box of memories, at the best or worst times we're reminded of what was,
or could've been
but all we should know is to make this time we have worthwhile...

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808Chik's picture

...hate people who do this

i was in class the other day talking to my friend about our hw, and this girl thats sitting in front of me, looks at me then holds her book up so i couldnt see her and says something to her friend and laughs...im not stupid, i know she was talking about me, and what makes me more irked is the way she always looks at me now like she knows im bi and is going to do something to me...oh plz like i car

808Chik's picture

so bored...but so much to do lol

man...uh...i'm so bored ,but i got like...a lot of stuffies to do...like; study for my quiz tomorrow, hang up my clothes, and yea...boring...i hate having summer school...but at least its better than doing nothing..blah...i just wish that maybe just maybe...i could meet someone this summer...not like a summer fling...but someone i can be with...*pout*..lol...yea i'm lonely...blah...who cares right?...wells...yea...i'd be surprised if anyone is still reading this lol...but i'm done...nothing else to write about...i'll wait to something happens to write something very...very exciting :)....

808Chik's picture

...a lil' misunderstanding

hey...to anyone who read what i posted last about me "maybe" having a crush on my best friend...well...i was talking to her about it on friday after school and i realized that all the things that other people were thinking which was us (me and her) going out...so not true...but i guess that it got to me and i started thinking about her and yea...all that weird stuff...

but now...its sorted out and that it was nothing and i told her about it...she noticed something was wrong when i started to "ignore" her a bit...and i finally realized that i didn't have any crush on her or anything or the sort dealing with her, it was just a lil' phase that made me think that i did...

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