I keep thinking I would like to write a journal on here. But then I think that I don't have anything to say. The last few weeks, maybe even months, I have been entirely consumed with my final year project for college. It has been an absolute nightmare. The supervisor I was assigned, is, quite frankly a bitch. She has been making my life a living hell since September. It's due next Monday and is still not finished. I am stressed but clinging to the fact that it will soon be over.
I have been thinking about how much I would really like a girlfriend again these last few weeks. I think about it as I get into bed at night, that it would be nice to be crawling in beside someone again, or just having someone to send a text to, to say nighty night. The thing is, I am not even sure who I want that someone to be at the moment.
I am exhausted and should be asleep. Final year projects are very bad for one's mental health, it must be noted. Especially those related to IT it would seem. I thought I was just a crazy person, handling the stress badly, but I spoke to some boys in my class and they too were on the edge of their sanity. So I felt reassured. Another couple of months and I should have a degree.
I over analyze everything, I am moody and I am a sulker. I can run away from those three facts all I want, but they are true, and if I don't learn to control all three I am going to end up a very miserable lonely person. I have been over analyzing some things my friends have been doing, which has made me moody and in turn sulky the last few days.
I should be preparing a presentation for college, it's due tomorrow, but I've been trying to write it up for hours to no avail. It's one of those wishy washy things that I am sure they just throw into the course to fill a module because they couldn't think of anything else to put in its place.
I think I'm starting to feel relief from the fog that has been hanging over me for the last few months. There was a blip yesterday, but overall I am starting to feel better. I think things are going to be difficult for me for a while, but I will cope.
I'm almost as tired writing these journals about Michelle as anyone who may notice my entries is of seeing them. But I can't seem to help it, going on and on and on..
I feel so sad, I feel so alone, and I feel so defeated. I fail at life, I fail miserably. If I had of wrote this journal yesterday I would probably have been blabbering on about the nice day I'd had with Michelle on Friday. But I think I'm only happy when I'm actually deluded.
I would imagine all these journals about Michelle must be getting tedious. But I feel like I need to get it all out somewhere.
It's strange that a conversation with my sister about my relationship with Michelle, actually made me feel better about things. Usually my sister, while well meaning, can sometimes make me feel worse about things generally. She started to point out all the things that were wrong with the relationship from where she saw things, in that she didn't think we were compatable people at all.
The whole time myself and Michelle were together, I always worried that I was going to be the one to hurt her, to cause her pain. I stumbled into our relationship, unsure if it was what I wanted at all. She did all the persuing at the start and it won me over. I don't understand why she put all that effort in, to tell me five months later that she hadn't been ready to start our relationship in the first place.
I think I was having a knee-jerk reaction last week when I was contimplating replacing the ex's birthday present. I had just been out at a club and seen her for the first time in weeks, with the added complication of another girl following her around all interested. I was jealous and was having a lapse in my good sense.
Ok so I have been chatting to my ex the last few days a lot, and I know she still has feelings for me. Now I know she still needs her space and stuff, but also wants to hang out with me.
But here is the thing, I got her a ring for xmas and she has been wearing it since, even though we broke up. However she lost it the other night on the night out we all went on. She always takes her ring off and puts it in her pocket to wash her hands.
So I seen my ex last night for the first time in about two weeks. I had been doing ok with the flat out not speaking. It's not so easy to do when you see the person though.
How do you deal with being so fruious and angry with people. I think the rage about the situation my ex and her ex , who I shall call fc for the purpose of this journal, has well and truly kicked in for me.