I was thinking today that I have been going through various stages of coming-out/being gay. First off I was all confused and scared, then I was more sure but in the closet, then I came-out a little bit but was all hush hush and scared, then I got a bit more out there and invloved in lgbt stuff, and being gay was this huge deal, but sort of in a good way, like I was all proud to be out there and I think driving my friends a little nuts by talking about it, and now it just is.
Not really, but it seemed like a good title! I mentioned in a journal a week or so ago that I had been kissing a Canadian girl. Well I got her number that night that I had been with her, and she had mine. I however never called her afterwards, mainly because I still have feelings for my other friend, which for some reason or other I can't seem to let go of.
I am going a little nuts at the moment. I generally don't post two journals in the one day, but I am sort of freaking out and cannot sleep (it's 2.45am here). As I think I mentioned a couple of times before, I have a college project that I must pass to pass this year. It is due Monday and it is not done. I will not have it done either.
I spoke to the co-ordinator in charge of the project and told him of my difficulties. I requested a defferal, only to be refused. Despite the fact this project is clearly not going to work, and all my other subjects are suffering because of it.
It has been a while since I have written a journal. Well a proper journal really. I have been writing really short journals anytime I post on here lately. It's as if I am just leaving a note to myself so I will remember stuff if I look back on here, because I haven't seemed to have time for stopping and thinking about anything lately.
I kissed a girl and I liked it but it wasn't the girl I like! It was a mixed emotion and alcohol fueled. The girl I like was asking why I didn't call the girl I kissed. I was like eh I didn't really want to. My reply was quite sharp to her...it was unintentional. I just really want her. I already spent two nights sharing a bed with her, the girl I like that is. It was great but also that so near but so far feeling. She cuddled into me...I should have tried to make something happen...but instead I didn't. She smells really nice.
I had a funny moment this morning as I waited on my bus to work. I was standing at the bus stop when a bus pulled in to let people off. I sort of half glanced at the top deck of the bus, and this emo boy caught my attention and made me look twice. I think it was his hair. But he caught me looking and sort of half waved, which made me start laughing, which in turn made him laugh. The bus then pulled off and he was gone. We had little connection for a moment. It sort of put me in a good mood though, it was like this strange funny little random exchange of niceness.
I am not too sure if I hate my college course because I basically just hate all the subjects I do, or if I hate it because I have fallen behind and I struggle at it anyways. My mother assures me that I only hate it now because I am in third year and it is bound to be tougher. But I just don't know anymore. I feel panicy when I just think about doing the work. Like I cannot breath and my heart races. I just don't know what to do about it anymore.
I want a girlfriend. I am a lonely bitch. Will it ever happen? I like a girl, but she confuses me.
I think I just offended someone I have a crush on, purely because i was over compensating for the fact that I am embarassed for her to know I have a crush on her. I then made up a little bit for the offense caused so now I'm pretty sure she probably just thinks im a weirdo.
I hate that I like her, but damn I like her so much. On the plus side at least she is actually a lesbian so at some point i may get her.......
I'm having the gayest week of my life and it's awesome =]
Ta suil agam go bhfuil tu go maith =]
I always seem to need a second chance at everything. It's like I semi-subconcsiously(sp?) decide I'll fail on the first try anyway and then need a second chance, and then kick myself for being a dope. I need to fix this.
Note to self, that girl that I liked is very much an absolute arsehole. I don't know what I was thinking.
Ah well, time to go get drunk.Laterz you guys.
I really like this band. Give them a listen see what you guys think. They have a big dyke following in ireland...and canada apparently.
I have been listening to love songs for about three hours now on youtube. I have also been looking at that girl I likes' bebo page. It kind of struck me as funny, it's the classic lonely bitch thing to sit and do but it was completely unintentional. I found it funny and thought I would share.