I've been meaning to write a journal for a few days now, but once I finish working on assignments I haven't wanted to go near a computer. I have been feeling a lot better since my last journal. I went along to see the counsellor. I had my first visit there last week. It was a strange experience to go into a room with a total stranger and pour my heart out.
Well I have applied to see a counsellor at my college. I have to wait until Monday for them to get back to me with a date and time. I am nervous about going. But I obviously cannot continue the way I am right now. Which is just a downward spiral. I keep feeling like things can't feel any worse, and then they do.
My lgbt society thingy is officially the biggest disappointment in history. I went along tonight and just felt uncomfortable. I have been forcing myself to go along for weeks. But when I get there I always become quite introverted. I also kind of find most of the other members a little irritating. I also feel like an idiot because I have absolutly no clue of the gay scene.
Tonight was the night I was going to do it. I was going to come clean to my friend M that the reason I never have a boyfriend is because I am a lesbian. I had it in my head...we will come around to the usual converstaion of "so do you have your eye on any boys?" and I'd say "no, I'm actually gay". Seems simple. I however could not follow through on it. I got scared and I don't know why.
Where oh where has my motivation for getting anything done gone? I started off this college year doing well academically....and techniqully I still am doing well.But I feel like if I don't start doing some work again soon that will not last.
There is a lot of stuff I want to do. I want to meet a whole new bunch of people at college, I want to go out and have fun student nights. I want to play my guitar and sing and be young.....is 23 even still young? I want to just enjoy life....I want to be happy... I want to be free.
If anyone has a cure for absolute crippling shyness please send it on this way! I feel like I need to write a journal to cleanse my mind a little bit...but at the same time I am trying not to over analyze things right now either.
What the hell is wrong with me? I stayed in bed until after 2 today. I should of been up at 8 for college. I skipped classes all day for no good reason. It's not something I would do usually. I am far too much of a nerd for that. I just feel so down and like nothing is ever going to be ok again. I don't even know if it has ever really been ok to start with though.
I am so so tired today. I went to the Halloween party last night that I mentioned in my previous journal. It was ok, I didn't hate it, but then I didn't think it was a particularly great night either. It was good to go out and socialise with people. It was also kind of interesting, as the topic of being gay and coming-out seemed to crop up a bit.
Well things have been normal with my mam since Sunday, when I came-out to her. I have started to feel some relief since. I think initially I felt very awkward about it. But really there is no reason to really. She has just accpeted it so well.
At what point is the relief meant to kick in when you have just told your mam you are gay? Because right now I am just not feeling it. I came-out to my mam today, under not the most ideal circumstances that I could have done it, and I must admit I feel quite shitty.
What a week of... I'm not sure of what...sort of highs and lows I guess. The situation with my sister flared up again and was horribly upsetting.Then I took part in a student demonstration, and finally I attended an lgbt society meeting!!
You know when you think you have a situation sorted out, but it actually turns out it was just tucked away waiting to rear its ugly head again? Yep thats pretty much how my day has been. The sister, the bro-in-law.....wtf is wrong with these people.Whe you have repeatedly told someone to get out of your life and they don't listen.What do you do?
I don't know why but my mother just seems to refuse to give me praise for anything I do well.She does however jump at the nearest opportunity to point out a fault.I don't know why at this point in my life I still on some level seek her approval, but I do.
I feel like I can breath again today. It has been several weeks since I have had a break from that horrible tight feeling in my chest,like the world is closing in on me and I am running out of air.