I don't know why but my mother just seems to refuse to give me praise for anything I do well.She does however jump at the nearest opportunity to point out a fault.I don't know why at this point in my life I still on some level seek her approval, but I do.
I feel like I can breath again today. It has been several weeks since I have had a break from that horrible tight feeling in my chest,like the world is closing in on me and I am running out of air.
My life is a little all over the place right now. I was actually thinking the other day that it doesn't even feel like my life anymore...everything seems a little bit surreal.
*I just want to say thank you to Lol-taire and Neutrina for their comments in my last journal,they were very much appreciated.*
I'm not still feeling like I want to die. But I am still feeling very down and just not like myself. I suppose I haven't really documented very well what has been going on with me recently. I suppose it can be broken down into three seperate situations
I would like to just go die. I am not thinking of carrying through any plans of killing myself. I just hate how things are right now and would appreciate a permanent escape from current situations.
I feel a bit strange and like my life is in a weird place. It is in the process of changing but isn't quite there yet. I have come-out a little bit more, and started to get myself into the gay scene a little but more which is good. But on the other hand I still have friends and family who are completely unaware of my homo status and it makes me feel a bit weird.
It is time for some resolutions as tomorrow is offically the last day of my Summer break. My third year of college commences Monday.This has to be the year I change my life and do what I always say I will and then don't.
I shouldn't bury my head in the sand.It causes far more problems.
That is all.
It is roughly a week until I go back to college.At this time of year I always seem to end up looking back at where I was this time last year or the year before.... Which inevitably leaves me thinking about where I wanted to be then and where I want to be now.The truth is I still haven't progressed to where I would like to be at any stage along this timeline.
I cannot stop listening to Coldplay.It is very unlike me.I added the lgbt group to my bebo account(the one from my previous entry)but then did the cowardly thing and hid my groups so nobody will probably notice.It will show up in peoples changes but I haven't had any comments or questions on it yet.
Ok so I am still half in half out of the big 'ol closet. I am back at college and will sign up to my college's lgbt group for definite.The group has a bebo page group thing and I would like to join it.However that means that pretty much everyone on my friends list will see I have joined.
I am on a total downer today.I can feel all this stuff just welling up inside of me and I suspect it is about to explode into a long and possibly whingy journal entry.
I have so much drama in my life right now.For once being gay is really on the backburner of a list of problems.Well being gay isn't really a problem anymore,more just the closet thing.To give a brief over-view of the drama:
I feel much better now than I did in my last journal.I have taken up running recently.I really want to get toned up and in shape.I also feel really great after being out for a run.I'm not really over-weight.I am at the high end of normal weight using the bmi thingy.So I would really just like to loose a few pounds and tone up,mainly before I go back to college.I would really like to go back and ha
The world sucks.It is sad I'm sitting here blogging on a Saturday night.It is my own fault.That is all.