As an update,I am completely and utterly broken up with Heather.We don't talk to each other,we don't run into each other,we don't even acknowledge the fact we went out to begin with. Its kinda sad though,I thought we could at least be friends.
I have had it...I chose friendship over love.Me and Heather broke up a few days ago.She gave me an ultimatum,our relationship or my friendship with Jesse.I can't let go of a friendship thats stronger than my feeelings for some girl.Hell if I thought the word love had no connection to our relationship,then it was only a matter of time before it was over.
I get that nobody is perfect, believe me I get it! I also understand that every relationship has its problems, its pros and cons. I was asked with everything straining my current relationship with Heather why am I still with her?
Love is a strong,powerful,and at times a necessary word. The word love can melt a persons heart, change their tone, and even get a person laid. As in my case the word love is one word I do not use unless referring to close friends and family. Although there are different kinds of love. There is love you have for a friend, its friendship and nothing more.
I have spent the last few days trying to better explain myself to Heather. It seems as though she really was bothered by my history with Jesse, which isn't my fault she asked!
Thursday Heather asked me to tell her five things about my old relationship with Jesse, since she told me five things about her past relationship. So the list went like this:
1: Jesse cheated some
2: We broke up a few time
3: I got into my first fight because of Jesse
4: Jesse was on and off with her feelings
5: We are best friends first, lovers second
I have come to terms with the fact that I can't make everyone happy. That my ex is not gonna magically disappear from the face of the earth anytime soon, that my grandma and my mom will continue to fight about me, and that I am not invincible!
I don't know if anyone will read this. All I know is that I have to vent. I spent three hours trying to convince myself that it didn't mean anything. I purposely kissed my ex,Jesse, right in front of my somewhat current, Heather. I don't know why I did it. All I know was that I was pissed about something stupid and then I kissed Jesse. It was so weird.
My ex is all healed now, her bruises are less visible which is great. She's talking more now, maybe too much. And since she's had a week or so of bed rest to recover from the accident, she's feeling better than ever and looks better too. She wasted no time calling up a girl she'd been talking to.
I told everyone that was close to me in Arkansas before graduation that I was going to move back to Vancouver,Wa and that I would stay in touch and if they needed anything just call. I just found out that one of my bestfriends grandpa isn't doing to well and hasn't been for awhile. A mutual friend said that he's been ill for almost three months.
Well last week I introduced Heather to my cousin Lexa (from the other side of the family)...and they got along great which is wonderful, since Lexa isn't really all that accepting of the people I know and hang with. The only disparaging thing Lexa had to say was that Heather is still in high school,connected to someone who knows my ex, and is almost 2yrs younger than me.
I figured that after a couple of months of being single and staying away from dating all together, I'd have time to figure things out. I was wrong, I still don't know who I really am,what I want,or what I want to be. My friend Sarah says that I am stressing over nothing,that my worries are a result of feeling less than perfect since my breakup. Maybe she's right, oh do I hate to admit that!
I'm sooooooooooooooo hurting right now. I decided that the best way to get over breaking up with Jesse was to go to the gym and hit the weights hardcore.I set myself up with a personal trainer to keep me motivated. I wouldn't be subjecting myself to this physical pain if Jesse hadn't put me through such tremendous emotional pain.
I had the worst dream Saturday night it was bad. It was about some lady asking me if I believed in God and that if I did then I shouldn't be dating a girl.Then the lady burst into flames and disappeared. Then it switched to my gf kissing some random chick,then apologizing to me about it...then all of a sudden she disappears!
Today I accidentally walked in on Jesse's sister doing the unmentionable. I didn't mean to do it, it just happened. Jesse had asked me to run by her house and pickup a particular pair of her pumps from home that she said were in her sisters room,while she was at school. So I used the key Jesse's aunt gave me and strolled through the house while talking to Jesse on the phone.