Hi everyone, I haven't posted on here in QUITE a while, so you may not remember me, but I thought I'd sneak in a shameless plug about the LGBT webisode series I'm starting, SUPPORT GROUP. It's about a group of LGBT college students and the crazy relationships they form both inside and outside of a counseling support group for people of differing sexual orientations.
Our website is http://support-group.weebly.com .
I'm definitely feeling better. I still feel like shit sometimes because I start to think about him too much, but it's become pretty rare. He just doesn't deserve me. He's not worth my time or energy. All the gay guys I've met so far have been definitely not even close to my liking, so it's been something that's been hard for me to see...but tonight I actually did meet up with another gay guy who really is legit, so I realize there are good guys out there, and I don't have to worry so much about not finding someone.
So Matt says after he and his boyfriend break up.
Matt will think differently maybe in a month or two or three when he's feeling better and ogling prospects.
Matt enjoys talking in third person from time to time.
Matt does not enjoy feeling hurt and betrayed.
Matt will hopefully feel better soon.
For the moment...Matt is very sad. =[
He makes me want to write poetry. He makes me want to listen to music; he makes me want to dance. He makes me want to draw. He makes me want to be crazy and not even care what other people think. He makes me want to be myself.
I feel like a fish out of water when I listen on my ipod to the techno music he gave me as I walk through my house, past my mom and dad. I'm living in two worlds at the same time - the tiny middle sliver of the Venn diagram. My headphones sing hope, love, and California, while my eyes see only the past, the fear, and the Midwest of the last eighteen years.
I'm kicking the dirt off this one horse town in two weeks and leaping off to LA. I'm heading to a city with a population 20,000% larger than the one I live in now. =] I think it's also safe to say it's 20,000% more liberal, diverse, and engaging as well. It's a little bit unreal when I think about it too hard.
47 days until I'm at USC.
47 days until I'm free from my parents, and I can be who I want to be not just for 7 hours a day while I'm at school or the few hours I'm with friends on the weekend, but 24/7.
47 days until I'm living in a city for the first time in my life, and culture and diversity and GAY PEOPLE will be alive all around me, rather than being merely dusted over like crops, out of Midwestern suburbia's flawless conservative eyesight, which sees only the things it is willing to accept.
One word: wow.
I've been in LA since Wednesday for orientation/general sightseeing. I'm leaving on Sunday.
Orientation went well - I feel more prepared for campus life, met some swingin' gentlemen and dames, and have a kickass schedule (no classes on Fridays and my earliest class is 9:30).
It's amazing that my parents were shocked at all when I told them I was gay. I spent most of my free time in middle school reading about interior design, and I even shared with them my steps to transform our living room from drab to fab. My favorite TV shows were Trading Spaces and Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.
While cleaning out my room today, I found a binder in the back of the closet. Inside were paint samples, room measurements, and sketches of wainscoting and coffee tables. It was my interior design HQ, circa 2003. It was worth a chuckle.
That is, after I watched the Season 1 finale of Queer as Folk just now. Although I'd seen it before, it hit me a hundred times harder the second time around. I was BAWLING! It's a big deal to me when I bawl - I hardly ever do, and other than a few tears, I've never full-on, hardcore cried during a movie/TV show.
Or maybe I've just been thinking about my sexuality too much, because I'm caught in that feeling of just absolutely loving everything that is gay - the culture; the aesthetics; the people; the diversity; the beauty; the hope. (Or maybe it means I've been thinking about my sexuality just enough.)
I felt good for most of the day, which was strange, because I'm usually very depressed on my birthday. The depression has kicked in in the last few hours, though, so I wrote this poem. God knows why I write such nostalgic, regretful, worn out words, like I'm dying or something, when I have such a bright future ahead of me.
i broke the pot yesterday;
it was an accident.
i left it lying so precariously
on a skinny shoulder of shelf,
much too close to where my hands
weave over the kitchen sink.
i scrubbed the children’s dishes
so hard i bled.
they always cake up
Yep, the title says it all. A teacher has been arrested for having sexual relations with a student at my school. The worst part? It happened at my school last year, too. Is that a new record?
It was a female teacher with a male student. The student's in my grade and in one of my classes...at least he's not my friend or anything. That'd be kind of crazy. (But then again, I don't make friends with people who do such stupid things.) I have to say, though...at least the guy was hot...
I've been periodically checking the facebook profile of a cute and intelligent boy who goes to my school for the past few months, knowing full well that the "Interested in: Women" section was utterly fallacious. Today it was updated to: "Interested in: Women, Men". It works for me! I think I'd like to ask him on a date - maybe for coffee or something - but the jury's still out. First of all, I barely know him, but we have many mutual friends, so he's probably at least sane. Second, since he just came out, I don't know how ready he is for a relationship.
At the GSA convention, I saw this really cute and seemingly cool gay boy and coincidentally found his profile on facebook, so I friended him. I wrote a little bit on his wall a couple days ago saying hi, I saw you at the convention, just thought I'd drop you a friend request, etc. I was looking back at his profile today and...he deleted what I wrote. I don't understand. Am I that appalling that I can't even touch his chaste and perfect facebook wall? I thought I was pretty cute and a good guy, but I guess I'm not to him...? Do you guys understand why he did that? I don't get it.
By George, I love USC.
I was notified a couple of nights ago that I'd be receiving a thousand dollar scholarship from the local USC Alumni Association. I also received an email today that said I'd be getting four thousand from Lambda, the campus's GLBT group, for a cinematic arts scholarship.