Adam you suck! go on msn!
But, even now, I still can’t believe how fickle love can be… I mean, sure we had some good times, even amazing times, where I really felt that she loved me as much as I was loving her. Where is she now? I have no idea… She left about a month after her “in love
I lay on my bed staring at the ceiling as if all the wisdom of the world were written there. It wasn't. I sighed yet again, throwing an arm over my eyes in despair. We had been so close. I had been so close to kissing Brooke. Kissing her! Damn Lauren ….. all the way to hell and all the way back again. I could still feel the whisper of Brooke's lips on my own. I shuddered as my imagination took the contact further, sensing the gentle press of the slim body against my own. 'One of your friends are here!' Argh, even my fantasies were interrupted before they got really interesting. Couldn't I get a moment of peace in my own room? 'Did you hear me? Your friend's coming up,' my Mother's voice called again. Apparently not, I answered my own question. I rolled off the bed, tidying the cover quickly. I wondered what Amber or Tash had to say, not doubting that it was one or other of my closest friends. I considered that for a moment, after today I was going to have to reevaluate the whole best friend thing. I had no idea how to describe Brooke, their relationship was so vague it was almost translucent but there was definitely something there. And I really wanted to know what it was. 'Knock knock?' The quiet voice barely penetrated the fog of my thoughts but once it had I turned to face the door in an instant. 'Come in,' I responded, nervousness colouring my tone. Brooke slowly pushed the door open, standing on the cusp for a few seconds until my waved hand drew her inside. Brooke smiled shyly at me, not sure what was the right thing to say but certain that she was in the right place. She just hoped that it was the right time too. 'Hi,' I returned her smile, 'come on in.' Brooke closed the distance between us, taking a seat next to me on the edge of the bed. 'Are you OK?' Brooke asked tentatively. 'Yeah.' I doubted that Brooke believed me but I wasn't sure how much honesty either of them could take at that particular moment. 'Did Amber say anything?' 'How did it go with Loz?' We began at the same time, laughing nervously as we each waited for the other to respond. There had been a buzz around school about the whole toilet episode. Rumours of Loz raging in the corridor, Jai breaking down the door and Brooke being held hostage had been rife. 'She didn't say much,' I filled the silence. 'Mel gave me a funny look then kind of ignored me. I think maybe they thought I was begging you to make me popular or something. What about Loz?' Brooke sighed, 'She thought the same thing, I got a lecture about being too softhearted and not falling prey to emotional issues.' "Emotional issues": Loz had no idea. Brooke wondered what would happen if - when, she correctly herself honestly - her best friend did get the idea. God, that was going to be a nightmare. Brooke didn't think that Loz was especially homophobic, she even had a suspicion that the acerbic girl had experimented a little. It was just that this would impinge on Loz's sense of how a high school popular should conduct herself. Brooke struggled not to roll her eyes at that, Loz and Jai hardly had spotless reputations but this would be unforgivable in their eyes. Or would it? Brooke allowed herself a moment of hope that they would prove her wrong. Either way it didn't matter, Brooke was sick of doing what she was expected to do and being who she was supposed to be. It was time to decide who Brooke really was. 'Are you?' I interrupted her musing, looking away as Brooke returned my gaze. 'Am I what?' 'Falling prey to emotional issues?' I whispered, not daring to look back at her. Brooke paused, wanting to answer as best she could, needing to be sure that I would understand exactly how she felt for me. 'Yes, I am,' Brooke reached across to gently turn my face back to her, 'not the way Loz meant but yes.' I looked deep in to clear blue eyes, there was worry and a hint of fear there but there was mostly affection and attraction. My breathing hitched, this really was happening and this time they were not going to be rudely interrupted. I was absolutely determined about that. Brooke watched me carefully, hoping that I would find what I was searching for in her eyes. She recognised the emotions reflecting back to her, understanding the look of determination that eventually settled on my features. I raised my hand, gently stroking Brooke's cheek then allowing my finger tips to trace over soft lips. Brooke leaned in to the hesitant touch, groaning as I replaced fingers with lips. The contact was gentle at first but Brooke deepened the kiss. She felt me begin to back away and moved her hands to the my shoulders, preventing my withdrawal. I acknowledged the gesture, moving in to the body beside me and wrapping my arms around the slim torso. 'Wow.' Brooke laughed, pulling me in to her arms and hugging me tightly. 'Yeah, wow.' I snuggled in to the lithe form, feeling the fragility of the body holding me. Suddenly I was very aware of the differences in our bodies. I stiffened, withdrawing from their embrace and turning away from Brooke's look of confusion. 'What is it?' Brooke straightened, 'Babe?' I sniffled, angrily wiping at my now moist eyes. 'Babe?' Brooke's voice became alarmed, had she done something wrong? I seemed happy when our lips had eventually parted, if my "wow" had been any indication I'd been very happy. We had kissed for some time, Brooke had no idea how long and didn't particularly care. We'd lost ourselves in the act of exploring each other, indulging in the tender connection between us until breathing became a necessity that could no longer be denied. Maybe I hadn't wanted to cuddle, maybe - like Jai - I wasn't that sort of person. Or maybe... 'Did you want to do something,' Brooke struggled for an appropriate word, 'more?' 'More?' I turned back. 'Yeah, you know,' Brooke waved her hand vaguely, 'more.' Realisation widened my eyes and painted my cheeks a healthy red. 'No!' I considered that 'Well, yes but not right now.' Brooke smiled at the honest response, relieved that she hadn't misunderstood the situation, 'So, what is it?' Now was the time to hang a few personal demons out to air, I decided. 'It's...' I sighed and started again, 'It's just that I realised how different we are.' 'Different?' Brooke had believed we were similar in many ways, even more so since the past week had begun to show us how we felt for one another. Had she been wrong? 'Different in what way, babe?' 'You're so beautiful, so perfect,' I indicated my own body with disgust, 'and I'm so not.' Brooke felt a wave of anger wash over her, jumping up from the bed to tower over the me. Brooke wasn't sure what annoyed her more, that I was allowed so little self-confidence in their ultra judgmental world or that I thought that she would subscribe to the same view. 'First of all, you are beautiful,' Brooke snapped. 'Second, I think you're perfect and, third, you should think so too.' I stared at the tall blonde presence looming over me, trying to take in what I had just heard. It wasn't exactly the most romantic declaration, there was too much anger in the tone for that, but it was amazing to hear. 'But,' I couldn't quite bring myself to believe it, 'I don't look like you, I'm sorry.' 'Sorry?' Brooke was working up a good head of steam, 'What have you got to be sorry for? I don't want you to look like me, I think you're more beautiful than I am. No! Don't you dare disagree with me. I'm in love with you, that's all that matters to me. Why should the differences in our...' I knew that Brooke was still talking and I should probably still be listening but I'd got stuck on that one sentence and didn't want to let it go. "I'm in love with you." Had Brooke really said that? Maybe I'd misheard. 'In love with me?' Brooke's diatribe ground to a halt, 'What?' 'Did you really say that?' Brooke replayed the words in her mind, shocked at much of what had escaped from her mouth but not that part. 'Yes.' I stood unsteadily, wavering slightly until my eyes locked on Brooke's and I found the strength needed to accept the truth of her words. 'Good,' a grin overtook her features. 'Good,' Brooke smiled back. 'Well, now we've got that sorted out,' she pulled me to her, 'we can get back to the good stuff.'
Brooke paced nervously in the confines of the school toilets, having to turn her tall body every few steps to avoid hitting something. She and I had spent hours sitting on the beach, holding each other in quiet comfort. Eventually we had parted, needing to return to our homes before irate parental units could be added to our list of woes. We had barely spoken as we separated, stood and brushed off the sand that clung to our clothing. Brooke wondered again at the sense of loss that gripped her as I turned away and headed home. I had looked back once before the darkness enveloped me, offering Brooke a sad smile before I continued on my path. Brooke had felt entirely alone, the sand shifting beneath her feet as if the tide had suddenly rushed in to wash her away. Sleep hadn't been much of a friend that night and Brooke stifled a yawn. She took a break from her pacing to drop her long frame on to the plush seat in the corner, eyes closing involuntarily as soon as her body came to rest. I excused herself from the group, offering a halfhearted comment to Tash's questioning look. Brooke had dropped a note on her desk in Miss Franklin’s class and I didn't want to keep her waiting. Brooke had looked so lost and afraid as I walked away the night before. I had wanted to rush back to her and hold her until the strength returned to those fragile blue eyes. But I hadn't. In that moment, standing on a beach in the chilled air of night, I had acknowledged exactly how I felt for Brooke. Had I returned to the blonde's arms I had no doubt that my true feelings would have been painfully obvious. I steadied my breathing and pushed open the door to the toilet. Rounding the entrance, I stopped in my tracks. Brooke lay sprawled on the couch at the centre of the abnormally well appointed facilities, blonde hair falling over pale features, arms wrapped around her torso. I quickly checked that we were alone and locked the door to ensure we would remain that way. Returning to stand in front of Brooke, I drank in the beauty before me. 'This is love,' I whispered, awe and fear in my tone. And I had absolutely no doubt that it was. That was the scariest part of it, the compete and utter certainty. I had long ago accepted my attraction to her - hardly surprising, given that Brooke was widely regarded as the fairest of them all - but this was so much more. 'Damn it, it's love.' I sighed heavily, what a big old mess this could turn in to. Brooke stirred, focusing my wandering attention as surprise-filled blue eyes appeared from behind fluttering lids. 'What?' Brooke gained her bearings and smiled up at me, 'Hi.' 'Hi yourself,' I settled on to the seat next to Brooke as the blonde straightened up, 'you OK?' 'Yeah, I just,' Brooke looked embarrassed, 'fell asleep I guess.' 'You must have needed the rest.' 'I didn't sleep so well last night.' 'Me either,' I admitted quietly. We sat in silence for a few moments, each searching for a way to express the thoughts tumbling through our minds. 'Thank you for last night,' Brooke smiled shyly, 'it was...perfect.' I considered Brooke's choice of word. Perfect. We had both been upset, depressed even, about a week of confusion and heartaches. Hardly perfect. We were both coming to terms with events that would affect the rest of our lives. Events that had gone badly all round. Definitely not perfect. Yet we'd been together, comforted and supported each other. Perfect. 'Yeah,' I breathed. Brooke looked deeply in to my eyes, seeing compassion and concern in my gaze. There was something else there too, something that Brooke had noticed before but chosen - consciously or not - to ignore. Brooke thought hard for a moment before having to admit to herself that no one else looked at her in that way. Not even Jai, who professed the depth of his feelings for her at ever opportunity. Only I seemed to look directly at her, the real her, the Brooke that Brooke truly believed herself to be. It was terrifying and exhilarating but Brooke pulled back from the swirl of her thoughts. She wasn't going to take advantage of me, just to satisfy her own needs. Brooke's eyes fell to my lips, she had no doubt that the I would respond if she initiated something. Images of their lips pressed together chased through her and Brooke fought to calm her body's response. The intensity of her reaction shocked her and Brooke turned away and rubbed at her reddened face. 'Brooke?' I had watched the emotions play across her features, trying to catalogue the rapid changes. When blue eyes had dropped to my lips and a blush had coloured Brooke's cheeks, I had allowed myself a second to hope. Then Brooke was withdrawing from me and I wondered if I had wrongly identified the emotions I had just witnessed. Brooke returned her attention to my face, angling her body back towards the me. She took in my eyes now tinged with hurt and the slump of my shoulders. In not wanting to hurt me, she'd gone and done it anyway. This was just too confusing, even more confusing than the whole thing with Jai. Brooke reached out a tentative hand and stroked my cheek lightly. Maybe it was more confusing because there was more at stake. More emotion and more reward. Slowly, Brooke leaned in to me, bringing our lips together in the gentlest of contact. 'Open the door!' Both of us rocked back, the banging on the door sounding unnaturally loud in the intensity of the moment. 'Open the fucking door!' 'It's Loz,' Brooke whispered. 'Yeah,' I flicked terrified eyes from Brooke to the door and back again. 'Right, that's it,' Loz's determined voice sounded through the door, 'Jai, knock that door down.' 'No!' I suddenly came to life, instinct taking over as I bounded off the seat towards the door. A booming contact rattled the wood before I could get to it and I quickly unlocked it and opened the portal. Jai barely halted his momentum, stopping himself from crashing in to me by inches. 'Out of my way,' Loz ordered as she barged past them heading for a stall. She threw an annoyed glance at Brooke before slamming the door shut, 'What were you doing in here, Brookie?'
The night air was a little cooler, the stars a little less intense, but the beach was much the same as I slowly made my way to the spot me and Brooke had shared a week before. I wasn't even sure if she’d would be there but I had felt an overwhelming urge to find out. I had tried to write it off as concern for the obviously distressed young woman. After all, Brooke seemed to have as bad a week as I myself had. Then self-awareness had kicked in, damn it, and I had been forced to acknowledge that there was more to it than that. A lot more. A whole icky mess more. Yet here I was, trudging across the sand in the hope of finding the lithe form settled in "their spot" on the beach. Elation whistled through me as my eyes found Brooke staring up to the heavens just as she had been seven days past. If possible, the blonde appeared even more hunched in to herself, her pale face stark in the flickering light of the nearby fire. 'Hi!' Brooke had turned at the approaching sounds, hoping beyond reason that it would be the girl that now stood a few feet away. She patted the sand beside her, offering a bright smile of reassurance as I took my place. 'Hi,' Brooke laughed lightly, surprised by a hint of nervousness in her voice, 'how did the group go?' I settled myself on the sand, looking out to sea for a few seconds before answering, 'I didn't go.' 'How come?' 'I...' I paused to order my thoughts, 'It's just been a weird week, I couldn't face it.' Brooke nodded, 'Yeah, it's definitely been a week and a half.' I recognised the hurt and disappointment in Brooke's tone, 'Anything I can do to help?' Brooke laughed harshly, 'Wipe out the past few days.' 'I wish,' I agreed, my own hurt clouding my voice. 'Well,' Brooke reached out to touch my arm, 'I'll tell you mine, if you'll tell me yours.' Hazel eyes smiled at the deliberately light-hearted phrasing of what was obviously a difficult offer to make...and to accept. Once again concern shone from the clear blue that held my gaze and I did so want to unburden myself of the confusion in my heart and mind. Plus, I genuinely wanted to help Brooke and I was certain that she needed to talk as much as I did. Why else had they both made their way to this spot? 'OK,' I agreed, 'who goes first?' Brooke grinned, reaching in to her pocket she pulled out a shiny coin and waved it in the air. I nodded as she turned the small disc in her fingers before tossing it in a low arc. 'Heads,' I called out as the coin neared the sand. We examined the coin lying between us, me groaning as I noted the uppermost surface. 'Looks like you start,' Brooke encouraged with a kind smile. I took a deep breathe and began in an unsteady voice, 'I tried to be something that I'm not - something that I know I'm not - and I just ended up confusing myself more and hurting someone who's really sweet.' Brooke nodded, trying to project an aura of quiet understanding when really she was desperate to ask for more details. Instead she simply waited, giving me time to think through how much I wanted to disclose. 'I've been chatting online with this guy,' I continued eventually, 'he's been really great and I thought... I guess I thought that if I met him and things worked out I could forget about the whole gay thing.' I looked at my companion, hoping for a hint of understanding but was surprised to find an expression of recognition on the beautiful features. 'You understand,' statement and question. 'Yeah,' Brooke cleared her throat to remove the lump that had formed there, 'yeah, I do.' They were silent for a while, Brooke raising her eyes skyward once more and me sifting the sand though my fingers. I glanced at the figure beside me through my fringe, noting the lines of worry etched in to the usually flawless skin. 'Your turn,' I encouraged in a hushed tone. Oh boy, Brooke chewed on her lip, she'd started this little confessional and now she had to make good on it. Briefly she considered brushing it off, discarding the topic in favour of something trivial, but she knew it would hurt ,me and that was unacceptable. Brooke turned that thought over in her mind, when had this nascent friendship become so important to her? When had I become so important to her? 'Can I call you ……?' Brooke was pretty sure that the request had surprised her even more than it had me. Though, looking at the startled features across from me, it was a close run thing. 'Sure.' my smile widened as I considered what my agreement meant. Only my closest friends used the diminutive of my name - Loz, Amber and Mel - and my family didn't even use it that much. I liked that Brooke wanted to be a part of that and I really liked that she had asked first. 'I'd like that.' 'Thanks, babe,' Brooke smiled back at me but her expression fell as she considered how to fulfill her half of their bargain. Sometimes feet first was the best way, she decided, 'Jai and I had sex for the first time. And then we broke up.' I nodded a few times, hoping that my expression was one of sympathy and understanding but fearing that I wasn't quite pulling it off. I'd never really believed Loz's rumours about Brooke and Jai's inexperience, assuming it was just jealousy talking. I had believed that they were the perfect couple...in every way. Wasn't that what Brooke and Jai were there for? To be the shining example of coupledom to an enraptured audience? It was kind of sad to think that they were as screwed up as everyone else. My brain shifted on to the second part of Brooke's statement. Sex followed by break up, that was tough, really tough. Maybe it hadn't been what they'd hoped for, maybe it was just plain bad or maybe...Oh god... 'He didn't force himself on you, did he?' I felt my body shake with rage. If that miserable, goodfornothing, pretty boy fuckwitt had hurt Brooke I was going to personally punt his ass from here to Hawaii. 'No!' Brooke gasped in horror, 'Jai would never do anything like that.' 'Good,' I barked out, though my anger quickly dissipated in the face of Brooke's assertion. 'It wasn't anything like that,' Brooke reassured, as surprised by my intense reaction as by the initial accusation. 'Good,' I said again but this time a smile tugged at the corner of my lips, ''cos I'd have to divest him of certain body parts if he even considered it.' 'Thanks,' Brooke returned the fledgling smile. It felt good to have someone who was so willing to stand up for her like that. Of course, Amber would stand up for her too, it was just that Brooke couldn't always be sure what she'd do or if it would be worth the hassle in the end. Or just why Amber was doing it in the first place. Not so with me, Brooke was certain there was nothing but genuine concern in my eyes. She began to elaborate, 'Loz and I had this stupid bet that she couldn't get a date before Jai and I became more open about our relationship. I guess it just made me realise that there was something missing and I thought what that was must be real intimacy. I was so wrong.' Brooke trailed off and I moved a little closer, tentatively placing a hand on tense shoulders. Sad blue eyes held mine and I felt an intense need to protect this fragile creature. The torrent of emotion shook me and I made to pull away. 'Don't,' Brooke asked in a whisper. 'Please stay close.' I blinked away the moisture in my eyes at the quiet plea. Moving my arm to encompass the slim shoulders I pulled Brooke to me.
This is the true story of what I thought was true love, and was meant to be. All names have been changed to protect the innocent, mainly me…
Brooke sat on the beach, her eyes lifted to the stars alight in the dark sky above. Sometimes, when it all got too much, when she couldn't quiet the pain and confusion, she came here to sit and think. The vast ocean before her and the endless sky above made her feel inconsequential and if she was inconsequential then so were her problems. Rationally she already knew that school popularity contests, arguments at home and boyfriend troubles really were unimportant in the grand scheme of things. It was just that she needed a reminder of that fact every so often. Life got very big on you sometimes and you needed a shove backwards to put it all in perspective. 'Brooke?' The soft inquiry dragged her from her depths and Brooke turned to find me standing a few feet away. Warm hazel eyes smiled shyly in to crisp blue and Brooke indicated the sand beside her with a nod of her head. I dropped to the slim girl's side, feeling ungainly in my own body as I always did when near Brooke. I had always admired Brooke - popular, straight-A student and all-round beauty as she was - but recently I had come to know and like her. Brooke had proven herself atypical of the popular crowd; she seemed to have a heart as well as a brain and a body. My eyes swept over that body, finding the tall form hunched in to itself, the beautiful face lined with worry. 'Are you OK?' 'Yeah,' Brooke consciously lightened her features, 'Just thinking.' 'I'll leave you alone then.' I made to raise myself from the sand but a gentle hand stilled my progress. I allowed myself a moment to soak in the feel of Brooke's elegant hand on my bare arm, patting the long fingers with my own before the other girl withdrew the contact. 'Is there anything I can do?' I offered. 'Just sit with me.' I considered my response because I knew that when she'd left home, Brooke had been sure she sought solitude. Now she was asking a girl she barely knew to share the quiet space she had made for herself. Though perhaps that was unfair to me; she did seem to understand better than most people in life. Certainly better than Loz, sadly better than her Father or Step-Mother, probably better than Ben and Jai. Brooke let out a long sigh, what a mess things had become. I returned my gaze to the figure beside me, 'You know I'll listen, if you want to talk.' 'I just,' Brooke paused, looking deep in to concerned eyes, 'sometimes it gets too much.' I smiled in understanding, 'Yeah, I know what you mean.' 'When it gets like this I just like to come out here and feel small.' 'Says a natural size 8.' Brooke barked her amusement in a short laugh making my smile widen. 'You're even more beautiful when you smile like that.' I froze, "even more beautiful"? God, Brooke, the most gorgeous woman I had ever seen, just called me beautiful. That was a definite "Wow". Brooke bit her lip, carefully watching my reaction. She really hadn't meant to let slip the thought that had rushed through her mind as my face had shifted in the glow of the nearby fire. It was just that, before her brain could edit the comment, her heart had spoken. 'Erm,' my smile became embarrassed, 'thanks.' 'It's OK,' Brooke again stroked my arm, 'it's the truth.' We sat in silence for a while, Brooke returning her gaze to the stars and me making vague patterns in the sand around her. 'So,' Brooke began, breaking the silence, 'what bought you out here?' Brooke watched me tighten beside her as she asked the seemingly innocuous question. I looked away quickly, my eyes locking on a point far out to sea. 'Sorry,' Brooke continued quickly, 'you really don't have to answer that.' 'No, it's just...' I took a deep breath, 'It's just something I haven't told anybody about. Not even Loz.' 'You don't have to tell me anything.' Brooke felt the sting of disappointment, of course I would talk to Loz before I'd even think of saying anything to her. 'Actually,' I looked in to clear blue eyes, 'I would like to talk about it.' I took another deep breath, considering how to broach a subject that I hadn't discussed with anyone in my own circle of friends. I wondered for a moment if Brooke could truly be described as my friend but the compassion in her eyes left no doubt. 'I...,' I trailed off immediately. This was hard, my head felt heavy, my throat was dry and I could feel perspiration stand out on my skin in contrast to the cooling air around them. 'I've been to a group meeting,' I began with more confidence than I actually felt. 'What sort of group?' Brooke turned to fully face me, leaning towards me as she listened. 'A gay youth support group,' I explained in a rush. 'Oh.' I watched Brooke's reaction, expecting her to back away, half believing that she would get up and walk off. This whole coming out thing was a nightmare, though I had to admit it was an adrenaline rush too. Maybe that explained why the few openly gay kids she knew kept coming out to all and sundry. I considered that for a moment, they didn't seem to have a problem doing this so why was my heart trying to sledgehammer its way out of my chest? Brooke watched the emotions cascade over my face. She admitted to herself that she was surprised, not so much about the gay thing but more about the “me