I am happy to say that I am now over my straight crush. Woo-hoo!
However, I am getting another crush on a girl who I'm not sure is gay, straight, or bi.
Tonight was the last time I can ever perform in a certain acting class ever again. The class is for 10 to 12-year-olds, and since I just turned 13, I can't perform in it any more. In the class you practice a play, and then you perform it for your family and friends on the last day of class. Today was my last day, and I have to say, I did great in the performance.
I think that Valentine's Day is a way to make single people feel left out. All around me at school there are couples, and tomorrow they're all going to be giving each other valentines and being sweet to each other. I am completely jealous. I have no girlfriend, but these people who are in a relationship seem so...happy. It's as though I'm missing out on something important.
I'm serious. My dad is addicted to tobacco, and it's been stressing me out for months now.
After being outed, I've met my first homophobic bitch. I'll call her "Nelly" on here. She literally judges books by their covers!
Okay. For those of you who haven't been reading my journal lately, basically I was recently outed by someone who read a journal/sketchbook of mine in which I wrote I'm gay. The first day I came back to school after finding out about this rumor, I didn't hear anybody talking about it anymore, so I thought it had blown over.
As some of you know, I lost a sketchbook earlier, in which I wrote that I'm gay. Thankfully, I've found it now.
The thing is, I found out last Tuesday that someone read it and blabbed. Just like I was afraid of. People were asking me questions about whether I was gay or not. I nervously avoided them without confirming or denying that I was straight.
Like the title says, I misplaced my newest sketchbook at school a couple of days ago, and now I can't find it. The thing is, I was using it kind of like a journal, too, and I wrote things in it.
See, I wrote that I'm gay inside it. Which is why I'm panicky now.
Yesterday my crush and I went out to a movie. I wasn't really able to enjoy it, though, considering what had happened the night before. During that night I basically carried out my Operation: D.I.S.C.O.V.E.R. plan, only I made a few changes. If you want to know what the heck Operation: D.I.S.C.O.V.E.R. is, then check my journal, but I'll try to sum it up here in this entry.
I called my crush's house last night and asked her out to a movie. She wasn't there, so I had to give her dad a message. Now, I possibly have a movie date with her, if she calls me back and tells me she wants to go. Does asking someone to a movie count as a date if the person you're going to it with doesn't know you like them a lot?
I met a girl at my school dance last night. She was visiting from another school, and she's a grade above me. She's cute, nice, and a GREAT dancer. I actually danced with her for a few minutes. It was "just as friends" and all that, but it was absolutely great. It was the first time I've ever danced with a girl. Her hands were soft and warm, and they felt wonderful. Wow.
She's bad with names, just like I am. I had seen her before last night (her sister was in one of my theater classes), but I just couldn't recall her name. I was mentally panicking, hoping desperately that we wouldn't get into a situation where I had to introduce her to someone and tell them her name. But then she introduced me to her mom, who was working at the food and drink stand, and it turned out that she couldn't remember my name! I was so relieved! Her mom kept on saying, "Don't be offended, blah blah blah" afterwards and trying to save the conversation, when it didn't need to be saved at all! I know that usually it's not a good thing that somebody's forgotten your name, but I was so happy that it wasn't just me!
Today, my crush was sewing in class, and she got a needle stuck in her finger. The thing is, I didn't even witness it. I just heard a rumor that said "some kid got a needle stuck in their finger in Life Skills class". Nobody was specified. I didn't know who it had happened to. So when I was picked up by my mother at carpool today, and she told me that my crush had had to go to the hospital, I was completely shocked. I was in a state of utter confusion for the next few hours. I wanted to go visit her in the hospital and help her somehow. I asked my mom how she was doing, trying to sound casual. My mom said, "Don't worry, she's only in the ER." Mentally, I FREAKED. I was so scared for her.
I just got a bunch of gay library books! I have Annie on My Mind, Geography Club, and Order of the Poison Oak. I looked for some more novels by Julie Anne Peters, but I couldn't find any. Darn. I'm currently reading Annie on My Mind. It is SUCH a beautiful book. The writing is like poetry. Now I want a copy of it that actually belongs to me, and I haven't even finished reading it yet! Wow. This is the first fictional book I've read with gay main characters.
I think the title is pretty self-explanatory. My mom doesn't believe I'm gay, and she never really has. She keeps on telling me that I'm too young to know and that I shouldn't be "labelling myself like this". She has no problem with gay people at all, she just doesn't believe that I can know I like girls at my age.
What can I do? The only thing I can think of is to wait a few years, get a girlfriend, then come back to her and tell her "Hey, Mom, I still think that I'm gay." I don't really like that option, since I hate waiting for things to happen.
I plan to find out what my crush thinks about gay issues, and I have made an elaborate plan on how I will do this. I wrote it today on a piece of scrap paper while I was bored in Keyboarding class. I'm going to put it up on here, so that people can point out any possible holes in my dastardly plan. :D
(or Operation: Discern If Self's Crush Ostracizes and Discriminates Against Gays and Lesbians (And If She Doesn't, I'll need to make a Visit to the Emergency Room Due to a Spontaneous Heart Attack)