I've had writer's block for a year or two now, but I am pleased to say: it has gone with the wind! I've been able to write songs and poetry during this time, but no stories. Now, I've gotten back the ability to write a book I was working on before. I know I'm probably kind of young to be writing a book, but oh well. I've just been finishing the characters' biographies, and I'm planning on rewriting the chapters I had written before I came down with writer's block.
She patronizes me
Pretends that she is so much better
Than I can ever be
She bruises me
Fighting me and trying to take control
My time living with this girl
Is taking its toll
That I’m wrong
And she will always be right
She claims that she’s strong
And all I can ever be is weak
According to her
I am the lowest of the low
If she could get rid of me, she would do so
(Note: I didn't write this poem myself; I've just found it on a lot of people's journals and thought I'd post it here.)
Have you ever loved someone
But knew they didn't care?
Have you ever felt like crying
But knew you'd get nowhere?
Have you ever looked into their eyes
And said a little prayer?
Have you looked into their hearts
And wished that you were there?
Have you ever felt their heartbeat
Okay, I have just decided that I am absolutely sick of pining over my crush from afar and I want to come out to her, or at least find out her opinion about gay people. But considering we're both in middle school and she probably doesn't know what to think about queers, I need some advice on whether or not to do it. And some advice on HOW to do it would be good, too. (I'd actually prefer the second one.)
For a while I've been convinced that my crush on this girl is completely unrequited and that she'll never like me back, but lately I've been hit with the Hammer of Happiness (or something equally cheesy) and I've seen some hints that show she just might have some sort of feelings for me. It may just be wishful thinking, BUT WHO CARES?? I've been in such a depressed funk over this girl lately that I could use some happy thoughts, no matter whether they're actually true assumptions or not.
I just got an email from a school social worker I was talking about starting a Gay-Straight Alliance with. I'm still in middle school, and she wants to know how I feel about starting one of these in this environment. Could I get your thoughts/opinions about this matter, please? I'd appreciate some feedback, since I'm having some difficulty in finding out what to say, or actually forming any opinions about this.
A song I wrote a while ago that basically sums up the greatest fears of a closeted LGBT person...
You live a good life
You’re a popular kid
You’re the ruler of the school society
Loved and respected by all
But one day
You fall victim to an old-fashioned
Slip of the tongue
You say the wrong thing
Your secret is revealed
That kid who dressed like you
Is following someone else’s style
If you've read a journal entry I've posted that said I had a crush on three people, I have recently discerned that this is not true. I still have a full-fledged crush on my best friend, and it is NOT. GOING. AWAY.
I guess I was trying to ignore my feelings for her or whatever, but whether you look at it from a psychologist's point of view or not, the fact is, I STILL HAVE A CRUSH ON HER, AND I WANT IT TO STOP. It's crazy. I feel like a wuss every time I'm around her. I've liked her for two years now, and the feelings are still going strong. In fact, they're stronger than ever before, if that's even possible. The only other thing I'm saying about what I wrote in that last sentence is: puberty does wonders. That's it; I am most definitely NOT saying any more.
I've been requesting a bunch of books on my on-line library account. Now Annie on my Mind, Geography Club, Rainbow Boys, Keeping You a Secret, and Am I Blue? are all on my request list. This ROCKS!!
I've had a library account for a while, but as soon as I had it created, I forgot my PIN number. I've finally had it changed to something I can remember, and now I can order oodles of GLBT literature! Woo-hoo!
Yesterday, in my theater class, I set off the building's fire alarm. It was a complete accident, and I certainly did NOT mean to do it, and it turned out fine anyways. My instructor made a few calls and got everything fixed up, but good golly Miss Molly, I screwed up SO badly here. Plus, before class started and we were supposed to be studying our lines, I started goofing around and making a total fool of myself. I on-purpose-fully (how the heck do you say this?) kicked myself in the car when my mom was driving me home, just to make up for being an idiot. Argh.
I hate you
The way you make me feel
When you look at me
The way it gets me high
The way it brings me down
(Well, this is one of the first poems I've written in a while. Most of the things I write are unfinished songs.
So...did you like?)
I have red highlights in my hair now. My hair is dark, so they look fantastically cool, in my opinion. I love my hair now. :) There was nothing wrong with it before, but now it just utterly rocks! *jumps up and down*
I have just discovered that my natural hair color is black. I thought it was dark brown before, but now, for some reason, my hair color has transformed into black. Or maybe it was black all along, and I just didn't notice? Aargh, confusing. My brain hurts. I can't believe I haven't noticed it before. I'm so weird.
*pretends to be TV announcer*
And now, we have the latest events in Utter Insanity's life! Blah blah blah blah, blah blah blah.
Okay, here's the actual entry:
I auditioned for a play this evening, and when my dad picked me up, he was reading the Calvin and Hobbes comic I had brought. When I got back into the car, I saw that this paper, which I had made sure was buried under my books and notebook and stuff, was facing up.
When I saw my crush outside of school today, I did an incredibly immature thing.
I teased her and said, "Stand up straight!"
Well, it's not like I kept badgering her with mean comments; I just said the previous one. And besides, her shoulders were bent over, and while her posture was okay, it wasn't exactly great. Aargh, I can't believe I did this. Only idiot second grade boys are supposed to do this kind of thing.
I hate crushes. Hatehatehatehatehate. My most recent one has been making me miserable.
I want to stop crushing on this girl. NOW. She is NEVER going to like me back, she is perfectly straight, she's a Christian, and she thought that the Gay-Straight Alliance I'm trying to start at my school sounded weird. And yet I get this fluttery, light-headed, soaring-up-into-the-clouds feeling whenever she WAVES at me in the cafeteria! Just one little motion of the hand makes me a sappy, drooling idiot. And here's the thing: I HAVE TO HIDE IT. I am NOT ready to come out yet, especially not at my stupid homophobic school. I hear jokes about gay, bisexual, and transgendered people EVERY DAY. It makes me feel like crap.