Okay, is there anyone else on here who had crushes on the opposite sex when they were younger, but still believes that they're gay?
I have memories from my childhood that hinted at my gayness, but I also had a few crushes on guys. It's kind of confusing. I still think I'm gay, though, because my crushes on girls make me feel so, so much better than the ones I used to have on guys. I'm still attracted to boys a little bit, but the feelings aren't much. I suppose I'm technically bisexual, but I feel very, very gay. I mean, I could never date a guy. They can be such jerks at times, and it's really hard to be friends with them. Plus, I can't imagine dating someone with a completely flat chest. I like breasts. So sue me.
I can't believe this!! I actually got to see an LGBTQ movie!!
My dad and I went to Blockbuster, and he told me I could pick out one movie, and I found the movie Imagine Me & You, AND HE LET ME GET IT!! He's asked me to tell him about the movie later, but oh well. I just watched it, and OH MY GOD it was so freakin' COOL!!
I just loved seeing someone I could actually relate to!! I could relate to both Piper Perabo and Lena Headley's roles! And it was such a wonderful romantic movie, too. I was sobbing like a romance-obsessed ditz at the ending. I just have this warm and fuzzy feeling inside of me and it feels so great!
I don't know why, but there is something about older men with moustaches that I see at swimming pools that just creeps me out. When I was at the beach last week, I saw this guy who was right next to my family, reading a newspaper, and I could have sworn he was staring at me or my three-year-old brother. He had this one eye that was all strange and squinty and he looked really, really weird. Another guy yesterday when I was at the pool with my family creeped me out, too. He was old, had a moustache, and was at the deep end of the pool, where I was. It was so creepy. I kept on getting paranoid and thinking, "Go away, stop staring at me!!" even though he probably wasn't.
My grandpa just called. He's the ex-husband of my lesbian grandmother, who had a child with him before they got divorced. This child is my dad. He seems to be doing well, and he asked me if I had a boyfriend yet.
Of course I said no, and he said that "a pretty girl like me should have a boyfriend". Ugh.
Why the heck did I have to be a lesbian?? How's my grandfather going to react when he hears about this? I have no idea what he thinks of gay people after his experience with my grandma, and I don't know if I'll ever be able to tell him anyways.
I'm BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!! Woo-hoo.
I have just gotten back home from the beach. I finally had a heart-to-heart talk with my mom, and I have come to one conclusion: she has absolutely NO understanding of what I'm really going through.
We were in the car, driving to a bunch of shops, and she basically said that I'm being "dramatic" about this whole thing. She said that I should think about whether I'm really gay or not, and that if I really am gay, then I should stop being so ashamed of it, because it isn't a big deal.
I'm going to be leaving for the beach in a few hours, and there won't be any Internet access where I'm going, so...bye. I hope everybody misses me! :)
I am currently listening to my newly acquired AC/DC CD ("Back in Black") and fencing with depression. I'm so tempted to listen to some depressing music that describes my mood right now better, but I know that if I do I'll feel even worse than I am right now. My younger sister keeps on popping into the office (which I'm currently sitting in) and "trying to get me to pay attention to her", AKA annoying me.
My dad just called home from work. He's a pilot, so he goes to work every week and stays there. He doesn't pass go, and he doesn't collect his paycheck until after he's worked for a week. I feel so alone without him. He's the only person I know who respects my sexual orientation (besides my sister) and he's the only person who has the slightest understanding of just what I'm going through, since he had a lesbian mom as a kid. I want to talk to him. I want to talk to SOMEONE about my feelings. But I'm afraid.
My mom's barely been at home lately. She keeps on going to work at her ceramic shop and leaving me with my younger siblings. This evening when we were eating dinner together as a family at our table (which we rarely ever do anymore) we were sitting beside each other and she kept on patting my shoulder and stuff like that, and she asked me questions about what I had done today and things like that. It was weird. She's never really given me that much attention at dinner, mostly because she knows she's not going to get any good answers to questions like "How was school today?"
My four-year-old sister was playing a Blue's Clues game on the computer, when all of a sudden she started screaming, "The game is broke, the game is broke!" I checked to see what had happened, and somehow the CD had completely shattered while still inside of the disc drive! It was a pretty old game; I played it when I was my sister's age. But still, how the HELL does a CD break into a million little pieces while INSIDE OF THE DISC DRIVE?? I mean, seriously, how is that possible? A bunch of pieces were apparently stuck in the drive, even after I'd taken all I could see out of there and used a butter knife to try and get out any pieces that might have been jamming it, because it wouldn't close. I had to get my dad to help, and he ended up having to take apart the computer with a screwdriver and shake out the CD drive over the trash can. It was completely weird.
I was just watching Grease with my family. Lord, it made me so depressed. I hate seeing heterosexual couples. It makes me feel so alienated. I've watched it before, but I was only watching it this time because Olivia Newton-John (Sandy) looks really hot at the end of the movie, but I can't stay long enough to get to that part. That comment made by the guy at the dance about "boy-girl couples only" is awful. I wish I could find some movies about lesbians, but I don't know where to get them. And besides, what would I tell Mom and Dad? "I'm watching them to research for my GSA?" Yeah, right.
Watching my younger siblings and cleaning up our EXTREMELY messy playroom at the same time is not fun. Repeat after me: NOT FUN.
I've been taking a break for a little while, reading one of the gay nonfiction books I just got from the library and posting on OasisMag. I hate my younger siblings sometimes. They cause me so much trouble. It STINKS. My dad left to go to the bank sometime ago, and I know that if the playroom isn't clean by then then I'm going to be extra crispy toast. So, well, bye, I guess.
Yesterday when I went to the library, I looked up some books I had seen referenced on the Internet that were pro-gay and looked interesting. And lo and behold, I found some GAY NON-FICTION, BABY!! This is so awesome!! I finally found books about people like me! I was so afraid about what the guy at the counter would say when I checked out the books, but since I had picked out seven books total (only two of them pro-gay) he didn't really look at them and just checked them out as fast as he could. I was so relieved!
Well, now my dad knows. I was feeling really down at a restaurant we were eating at, and he asked me about this and it all sort of...came out. (no pun intended) I felt more comfortable talking to him about it than I've ever felt with my mom. He came over to my side of the table and put his arm around me, and he actually listened to me instead of giving me half-@$$ed "advice" about how I should wait until I'm older to "decide this" and blah-de-blah-blah. I wanted to keep talking with him, but my mom kept saying that I needed to go out to the car and that I shouldn't be crying in front of everyone in a restaurant. Give me a break. No one was even looking at our table. She was really, really uncomfortable and kept acting like she wanted me to shut up and quit talking about this and quit being such a freak. She seems to think that this is completely stupid of me and that I should be able to stay closeted without feeling any pain, no problem. Dang it, I hate this! Why can't she just get over whatever prejudices she has and be a loving parent to me?? Lord knows I need it.
I was walking on the deck at my friend/sort-of crush's birthday party when I got, joy of all joys, A FRIGGIN' SPLINTER!! It dang HURT!! I had seen a nice-looking girl at the party, but I couldn't stare at her while my
mom was doing her best to pull a little bit of wood out of my foot!! ARGH!! I had to wait until I got home to get it out of my dang foot. It HURT!! I haven't had a splinter since second grade, and I'd forgotten how