I don't feel sad anymore...
Well, I can't exactly say that. I may be feeling sad, but I honestly can't tell.
I'm feeling numb. Just like... Nothing. Not a bad nothing like before, just nothing.
A friend just called, asked if I wanted to come over. I lied and said I had work to do. I just don't really care about doing anything right now. I just want to be alone, and stay that way.
I just want to... well, I guess I jusst don't want to exist. It's not that I want to die, it's just, I wish I could disappear. Does that make sense to you all?
I didn't feel much but pain and sadness yesterday. When I couldn't feel anything from sadness I beat myself with a plastic recorder, mostly my legs. It stung, and will leave bruises, but anything is better than nothing. I took a bike ride, to try and see some of the things I used to love. But everything looked like a dull gray parody of my former happiness. It only made things worse. Have any of you heard the album The Wall? It is my favorite album. I went out on the ride also to see people and to have people see me, to remind myself that I'm not dead yet.
I don't know of any reason why Tim would specifically not want to talk to me, but just in case, I'm going to log off for awhile. He knows how to email or call if he wants to reach me, and I know you guys will support him if he comes in. If he does show up while I'm gone, hopefully he'll read this and send me an email, as I am very worried about him too.
I'll check back later and will let you all know if I hear from him.
I'm tired. I don't like being tired like this all the time. Life is trying. And I don't want it to go on for much longer. I don't think I can bear it. I'm just so tired. I'm writing a will. I don't officially own anything but hopefully mother and father will respect my wishes. I don't want to live any longer.
Things have changed for me...in a hugely fundamental way. I can't really explain without a long, involved story, but it has to do with something many of you know about - a certain...guy. Let's just say that this heretofore missing ghost returned a couple foggy nights ago, and we had some very encouraging words.
I was having a totally incredible, awesome day today until I got an email from a friend telling me he had just been diagnosed AGAIN with Hodgkins Lymphoma. It's not the most virulent type of cancer by any means, but it's worrisome still, particularly because it's his second go-round.
I'm feeling the weight of silence and the stabbing of memories. I think it's a klonopin kind of night.
Okay I just sat up all night writing my response to chey's "confused..." post. I think I did a pretty goood job of it, though I did get a bit long-winded. It's the drawback of being both a writer AND a history nut, I think.
Now I have to get my ass to sleep, cuz my eyes are about to melt.
Nitey nite all. Hugs.
Okay, you guys have to see this video. It's been out there for awhile apparently, but I'd never seen it. A friend just posted in on fb, and it got me all weepy. As someone who loves and mentors teenagers, this is the kind of shit I live for.
I just had to share this with all you guys - my first review from a mainstream Kids/Young Adult book review site, "Curled Up with a Good Kids Book". I am proud to say it's pretty much a rave. Another step closer to reaching the mainstream Young Adult market. Yay!!! Check it out, yo!
Hello children (in the voice of Chef)!
I finally got the replacement hard drive for my laptop yesterday. It only took A MONTH for HP to cough it up. Assholes.
Anyway, I'll be largely involved in migrating everything over from the dinosaur I've been using for the last couple of weeks, but I'll check in regularly still. I just may be a bit more quiet than usual for the next couple days.
Okay, it's not a ballad. I just liked the title. I don't usually do this here, but my family reads my blog at times, and I'm trying to fool them into thinking I'm getting over Jon. If you're feeling prone to depression right now, I'd skip this post. It's pretty bleak throughout. I needed a place to put it all though, so here it is.
If you did NOT receive the email with your first assignment in it yesterday (Monday), please check your junk email folder. If it's not there, shoot me an email and let me know so we can figure out why.
This will probably be the last post about the project I make here on Oasis now that we're underway, but if you have any trouble reaching me via email, remember that you can always PM me here.
Sorry about the spammer jerk. I've deleted the posts, blocked the account and sent a message to Jeff about it. There's a filter, but occasionally one gets through. Remember, if anyone ever bothers you here, just let one of us know okay?