Empty halls and empty heads,
empty rooms with empty beds;
all those people, all nowhere,
an ambulance once took me there.
They told me they could make me feel
better, help me know what’s real-
then took me to an empty room
with iron door and sense of doom.
they told me that I had to strip
and searched me with cold, harsh, gloved grip
I spread my legs just like they said,
despite my shame and hate and dread.
They shoved me in a crowded space
with nary a familiar face;
Fear and trembling was the rule,
but never could I lose my cool
for fear of being placed again
I wrote before that I'm now home schooled, and I'm now going to write about the realities of it, both good and bad.
I'm enrolled as a student at my hometown middle school and I take the same classes as my friends, using the same books. The biggest difference is the amount of time I spend, which is around 4-5 hours a day. I also have the option of moving at a faster or slower pace, but I'm actually ahead of my peers now and school just started for them. There's a minimum number of days I have to be in school (180) but I go beyond that.
I have this nice journal with beautiful, naturally made paper and I have nothing to write in it because I'm not sad now. I kind of wish I had something to write in there about, but I'm not used to expressing happiness, so it's difficult thinking of words.
I went to the Renaissance fair yesterday, and saw some things. I also got a handmade journal with actual paper, instead of that gross machine-made acidic stuff, so I've started writing my poems in there rather than the other old book I was using. I'll possibly go back to that one after this new one's filled up, but that may be a while. I'd post some poems here, but there are a lot of them, and they borrow a lot of phrases from each other, so it's sort of like I'm just revising, compiling, and expanding on them, and I don't know what I'll end up with.
Last time I wrote about how I move with my Mom every 13 weeks as she starts a new assignment as a travel nurse, and now I want to go into some of the realities of this kind of lifestyle. Believe it or not, it's not as bad as it may seem.
I was just at province town for four days. The day before that I was talking to my mom about the four of us going (mom, dad, sister, me) and she told me she she had bad news, that my sister couldn't come. She's been depressed for two years so she's really behind in school so (as a punishment?) she had to stay home and do school work. Me; I want to be in school it distracts me from being depressed. But there was good news, my best friend (i'll just say Ari for privacy) was coming. The one who i can't figure out if I should tell her I'm lesbian or not.
Just when I was feeling happy, school came around and made me depressed again. Pretty much everybody I talked to last year is now gone, so I spent a lot of time just walking around, like last year except now with even less friends. Fuck all the lower grades. Thane and Nosaj are the only people I talk to who are still here, and I barely got any time with either of them.
I've waiting a long time to write this, my first journal, and while the days are running out on this site I still think I can contribute something to it.
I'm Alex, I'm almost fourteen, and I'm writing this at the 28th address I've lived at in my life. Yes, you read that correctly.
I had a dream a few nights ago about wandering the world with my sister in search of a home. Apparently our home was destroyed or otherwise lost, and we were alone traversing a deteriorating world of poverty and decaying infrastructure.
We came upon (or were led to, I can't remember) a ruined area where the people were hiding behind the curtains of their empty apartments. The building to which we went was on a road in a small city, across from a deserted field of concrete. We passed through a partially concealed entrance at the foot of a building.
The last ten days have been rough, just hellish.
Last week my mom made a surprise visit when dad wasn't home, but it wasn't to say "hi" or check on me. Since the cable was in her name she had to return the modem and DVR to not get the super high equipment charge, and she came to collect them.
Or as she said, "Give me the fucking modem and DVR right now you little pervert!!!"
But it didn't end there. All the utilities were in her name and she had them all disconnected.
"Give me your fucking phone NOW!!!!"
it's probably been at least a month since i've posted in here. but i've gotten a lot happier now, and i'm fortunately no longer in the state i've been in. it seemed pretty endless, but i've finally recovered from complete nihilism, and now i'm only in the partially nihilistic state that's normal for me, though i'm still struggling to identify the creator of this universe, and what really is behind the illusion of life. but that can wait for now.
My best friend is coming over for a sleep over, I know it sounds totally girly but it's still fun. None of that make over, chic flick, or gossip business. We may paint our nails or do a few prank calls, get a youtube account I don't know. I am really excited.
Best friend doesn't know I'm lesbian
I don't have a crush on her
I HAD a crush on her other friend
She might hate me cause she's catholic or a scared misinformed tween
Or she might not
Dating someone new. I know it's very soon but fingers crossed.
Still not complete'y over my ex even though I'm the one who ended it but that's to be expected.
I have been very civil though. Even when I may not have had to. Also seeing the guy who sexually assaulted him makes me very angry still. I do not want to see him.
So many emotions.
I cant even begin to describe it, every day I just want to crawl into a cave and stay there. My parents might be fighting, they won't tell me or my sister what about but I know they are keeping a secret from us. My sister is sixteen and she has a boyfriend and he is always at the house. So its either moody sixteen year old or goofy-dating-teenager. Me, I'm stuck here thinking "the person I have a crush on probably isn't lesbian.
It's been too long since I've written on here, and the reasons why are real bad.
In my last journal I had the impression that things were going good for me, and they were, but there was a hidden thunderstorm that was about to hit, and I wasn't prepared for it.
Right after I wrote the "Pizza With Dad" journal my family went down to Florida for a weekend getaway, and my parents let my boyfriend Colin come along with us. We stayed at a Holiday Inn Express, with my parents in one room and Colin and I in another.