this site is going I guess. Hm. it doesn't bother me as much as perhaps it might have years ago. this place meant a lot to me, once upon a time. i was so childish then. so perhaps thats what this place is. a place for children. a place for my so-called childhood. maybe that's why im not sad to see it go.
i used to call this place home, as much as that makes sense. a place where i was cared for. the place where i was cared for. but homes change i suppose.
Preface: A few years ago I deleted as much of my activity on this website as
I could because a friend of a friend of a friend traced me back to it. I was most active in regards to posting and messaging from 2007 to 2010-ish. I don't know anyone still on here except for maybe Jeff (hi), but I saw that this biz was closing shop and felt the need to give an update.
Things I have learned:
The winds are picking up again with a recent front. Leaves are falling from the trees ealier this year. I must admit I'm quite pleased, aside from my studies and other pursuits it's nice to observe the changing scenery as always. It is so profound even though it happens every year, it never ceases to amaze me.
I'm pretty bored today for some reason, and I don't know why, but I've been doing a lot of things. My free time has been partitioned between reading Gnostic scriptures, studying the Coptic language, drawing things, listening to some tunes, and writing many, many pages of poems, most of which I will likely never look at again. In the past week and a half I've written well over 20 pages of them just because I've felt like writing things and had nothing else to do. I want to use some of my poems in music, but I don't know how I'll do that.
I love to listen to early music. It's amazing to me, music borrows from many places and many genres. Many genres probably existed and disappeared before even being recorded possibly. I don't know why but some genres such as lute music holds a special place in my heart, as does the lyre. What I see in such old music others don't.
Even though Fall came in yesterday, it had been feeling like Fall for about a week before the fact. The cool breezes are refreshing, and I almost missed the humid tropical weather for a second or two. My banana plants will have to wait to produce their fruit, unless they actually decide to flower close to winter like last time, that's pretty odd if you ask me.
It has been forever since I wrote! There's never time in between starting school, friends, family etc. Well lets start withe the good news: about a month ago I came out to Ari. She was totally fine with it. A little confused but the only question she asked was "Are you sure?" More good news my new school is AMAZING. I made more new friends in a week then I could have in the previous school. They all are fleeing from what sounds like terrible school experiences, like me. They have problems like autism but they could be the nicest people I have ever met.
Sleep O dear and distant child, sleep and hope for better things
to-morrow shall not come for years, time is death and hollow kings
yellow is the sky at night, green is she by day
sallow is the moon she lights, lost and worn away
Sleep O dear and distant child, dream of gods and Minotaur
yesterday is far away, i have dreamt of hell and gore
singing are the whales at night, howling at the sun
wailing are the strings by day, begging you to run
Sleep O dear and distant child, fear the passing day
mercy she so sorely lacks, fair though she be may
In my last journal I talked about meeting Josh and the kiss that made me see fireworks! Over the last few days our relationship has grown into boyfriend/boyfriend status, and as it's been before, the clock's ticking for my eventual departure.
I've met a number of boys (and a few girls too), gotten to know them quickly, and if it's cool with them, gone far real quick. I hope you know what I mean by that?
This might be just my perspective… but I strongly recommend to all Oasies™ this recently-published memoir by Jon Croteau: My Thinning Years: Starving the Gay Within. It is currently available (Amazon, I know) --- despite conflicting publication dates!
I don't know if I've written about this before, but I get to spend the last period of every school day looking at Hanet and just being in his general vicinity, which is really nice because he's definitely the prettiest guy in the school, if not the entire cosmic life. He's just right next to his girlfriend and I can't talk to him during the class, but I've been desensitized to both of those things for a while, so it's actually great. But because of this I have noticed that he's basically the girl in the relationship; he's that much more feminine than his girlfriend.
Mom and I started a new chapter in our lives, this time on the Atlantic coast of Florida. We've been near here before, so it's not entirely a new place, and for a change that's nice.
We're living in a high rise condo this time, and on Tuesday I met a boy my age named Josh, our Mom's actually work at the same hospital. He's cute, kind of girlish, and a bit overweight, which I like. The first time he had me over I found out he's Jewish, unless they have a Menorah on display as a artwork. I doubt that.
Why the fuck can't I just fucking kill myself and get this fucking shit over with? Why the fuck can't I just let the fuck go of these fucking assholes who make my life so fucking miserable and just fucking let myself fucking DIE? That's all I fucking want, I just want to die but I can't fucking kill myself because it would fucking hurt people. I don't WANT to care about this, I don't WANT to give a shit about their feelings, I want to fucking die and end this fucking piece of shit called my life.
I went to New York with my father again last weekend and stayed with his friends in Port Jeff, where we went on a boat to Fire Island. It was a beautiful place that inspired recollections of childhood vacations and distant scenes of Dutch beaches. I encountered a deer who came very close to me in exchange for a few Cheetos. They were probably very bad for the deer, but at least I got to meet it. It started getting cloudy, so we took the boat back in the rain and it felt like it nearly flipped at one point. I loved every part of it.