After baseball practice yesterday dad wanted me and Hayden to run some supplies to the hunting cabin we own that's about 20 minutes away. It's more like a shack, but we go there at least a few times a month, mostly in the spring and summer.
What I didn't tell Hayden was that I had Luke meet us out there with Jake, and really the reason I didn't tell him was I was afraid he wouldn't want to go. I mean you can't get nervous about something you don't know about it, right?
Everything worked out today. We had nonstop conversation for five hours and it was a wonderful experience. We really got a lot closer with that, and had a lot of fun. I'm still worried about not getting to talk to him as much anymore, and I think he is, too, but that won't kill our friendship anymore. He seemed pretty excited to have me over more in the future. There isn't really much to say about this, but I thought it was something that should be written about here, just to keep my journal up to date.
I've been lurking here for awhile without really contributing to anything, mostly for the sake of nostalgia, but I figured I may as well post a journal for the hell of it.
I got caught skipping with yakow today by a fucky fuck, and I had to leave him. I don't know if I can go back to his lunch anymore now, but if I can't, then I will have only a couple minutes a day to talk to him, and that won't do. He did skip a class and come to my lunch period, but that was only to talk to his girlfriend. I moved over to his table when I noticed, and we talked a bit, and he talked to her a bit, and there were a couple of instances when the three of us were discussing certain topics.
In my last journal I wrote about some big changes that had happened in my life, and this time I'm going to discuss the other one.
I didn't know this, but my brother Hayden has suspected me of being gay for a long time but never said anything about it...until a few weeks ago.
Now that we're sharing the basement one thing we do on Friday and Saturday nights is stretch out on the sleeper sofa and watch a movie, and then sleep together. It gives us a chance to talk privately, and since we don't see each other much during the week it's also a good time to catch up.
I have to ask this because I didn't get a single comment on it, and taking in a relative like that is kind of a big deal?
Today felt pretty good regarding the topic I wrote about in the last journal entry. The yakow was really nice, and we had another one of the great conversations that we have every day, conversing nonstop for 45 minutes again. He seems pretty excited for this weekend, and has been checking the weather forecasts for Saturday every day. I've decided not to try and start a conversation when he's with his girlfriend, because that always ends up failing. I wish I could write more about this topic to express my good mood.
My life is standing still while I try to reconcile my past with my present. Who am I? I cannot be defined by what happened to me- but how do I come to terms with it? How can I? The more I try to confront it and face it, the more it hurts. I know it gets worse before it gets better, and I have to push through- but when the pain starts to get unbearable, it's damned easy to forget that.
It's all so strange, sometimes. Sometimes I look around and I feel like everything around me is just some vast illusion. Sometimes I wonder if anyone else is real. More often, I wonder if I am real.
Yakow is spending as much time as he possibly can with his girlfriend. And that means that he's spending significantly less time with me, which makes me kind of sad. It's like all his other friends are just worthless now that he has a girlfriend he likes. It isn't easy finding times when the two of us can actually talk now. When we're alone I can tell he still likes me as much as he always has, but whenever he's in conversation with other people, something always feels different about him, something I can't really describe. It's like something's changed.
Yakow has been spending a lot of time with his new girlfriend. I can only be alone with him at one time in the day now, and I have to skip one of my periods to do it. It's worth it, though, since that class is 100% online and I can make up all of it from home. Anyway, they've started kissing every time they leave each other, which would probably make me feel a lot more uncomfortable if she weren't so friendly and social with me (not like his last girlfriend, who never said a word in my presence).
Does it matter if its not as popular as it once was?
If you have recently updated your local time (e.g., Daylight Saving), you should know that Oasis does not automatically correct!
To adjust, go to your "Personal information" page and select "Edit." At the bottom of that page, select your currently correct time --- then click on "submit."
(check prior journals.. tw: rape.. this was very hard for me to write but did so in one shot with zero editing.. )
I've previously written about how lacks of representation in the public sphere has ended up harming young queer individuals, fostering a sentiment of isolation. Once I was first exposed to a possibility that this isolation might be broken at sixteen, I suppose it was almost natural that I tie myself down to the same possibility, no matter how much it ended up hurting me in the long run.
So, I am experiencing a rare period of time during which everything is going better than expected. This is alien to me. Today was literally the best I've felt this entire semester. That's not a very high bar, of course, but still! Wow!
Don't know how long it'll last. I mean, I do have a huge presentation on Monday and then I have to start studying for more tests that are the first week of April. But it's here today, and that's really something after the way I've felt for so long.
It has been brewing for a while, I guess. A couple of weeks ago, I made a 100 on my sociology midterm. I don't know how that can happen, but it did, and that was cool. I mean, yeah, it's only sociology, but trying to make an A on anything at all at this freaking school is like trying to climb Mt. Everest naked.
Yakow cancelled the plan again, so I'm done. He's proposed "rescheduling" for next weekend, but that just seems pointless because I know that wont work out either. Making plans is just pointless. Nothing ever happens for me. Fuck everybody else, the human species is all douchebags and assholes except me.