I'm Beau, I'm 13, and the day has finally come for me to write on here!
I've been hesitant to write on here because I really don't feel like I fit in with other gays, but I finally woke up and understood that I'm still gay even if my interests are not necessarily going to get the Gay Stamp Of Approval.
Hnn. What is it that makes it there? What is it that makes it me? What is it that keeps me from them and them from me and this from there and that? Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck take it away out not here. Who is this that there? Who are you them me? But it's not, is it, it's not that, who you are, who we are, we are we are we are listen to me it's not fair who are you I want to know.
lies pounding through nervous arteries, promises never meant to be kept
i spent so long cutting myself over people instead of cutting people out, but i am now snipping gangrenous friendships off. i may lose the limb but i’ll save the body.
it’s supposed to feel better but it doesn’t yet, i still have 3rd degree burn scars on my breasts and thighs from where your hands blazed like hungry wildfire and i can taste ash in my mouth; the embers are still glowing within me
When I was 13 or so, I pretty regularly courted men thirty or forty years my senior. It was thrilling, and fun, and, most importantly to me, made me feel alive in a time where I felt like I was dying inside. They weren't great men, they weren't great lovers, and they certainly weren't particularly intelligent. But hey, when you're 13 and your definition of love is defined by getting fucked, it's not a bad life to get treated at a lovely restaurant or given gifts by a man more than twice your age. And honestly? I still look fondly on some of them.
I hope all surviving Oasies™ read this article as both a cautionary tale and as an informative one!
We each have only our one life to live and enjoy: We are so much better informed today than a quarter century ago. This article describes how easily it can be thrown away…
Some temptations just aren't worth the risk: Use your brains!
After baseball practice yesterday dad wanted me and Hayden to run some supplies to the hunting cabin we own that's about 20 minutes away. It's more like a shack, but we go there at least a few times a month, mostly in the spring and summer.
What I didn't tell Hayden was that I had Luke meet us out there with Jake, and really the reason I didn't tell him was I was afraid he wouldn't want to go. I mean you can't get nervous about something you don't know about it, right?
Everything worked out today. We had nonstop conversation for five hours and it was a wonderful experience. We really got a lot closer with that, and had a lot of fun. I'm still worried about not getting to talk to him as much anymore, and I think he is, too, but that won't kill our friendship anymore. He seemed pretty excited to have me over more in the future. There isn't really much to say about this, but I thought it was something that should be written about here, just to keep my journal up to date.
I've been lurking here for awhile without really contributing to anything, mostly for the sake of nostalgia, but I figured I may as well post a journal for the hell of it.
I got caught skipping with yakow today by a fucky fuck, and I had to leave him. I don't know if I can go back to his lunch anymore now, but if I can't, then I will have only a couple minutes a day to talk to him, and that won't do. He did skip a class and come to my lunch period, but that was only to talk to his girlfriend. I moved over to his table when I noticed, and we talked a bit, and he talked to her a bit, and there were a couple of instances when the three of us were discussing certain topics.
In my last journal I wrote about some big changes that had happened in my life, and this time I'm going to discuss the other one.
I didn't know this, but my brother Hayden has suspected me of being gay for a long time but never said anything about it...until a few weeks ago.
Now that we're sharing the basement one thing we do on Friday and Saturday nights is stretch out on the sleeper sofa and watch a movie, and then sleep together. It gives us a chance to talk privately, and since we don't see each other much during the week it's also a good time to catch up.
I have to ask this because I didn't get a single comment on it, and taking in a relative like that is kind of a big deal?
Today felt pretty good regarding the topic I wrote about in the last journal entry. The yakow was really nice, and we had another one of the great conversations that we have every day, conversing nonstop for 45 minutes again. He seems pretty excited for this weekend, and has been checking the weather forecasts for Saturday every day. I've decided not to try and start a conversation when he's with his girlfriend, because that always ends up failing. I wish I could write more about this topic to express my good mood.
My life is standing still while I try to reconcile my past with my present. Who am I? I cannot be defined by what happened to me- but how do I come to terms with it? How can I? The more I try to confront it and face it, the more it hurts. I know it gets worse before it gets better, and I have to push through- but when the pain starts to get unbearable, it's damned easy to forget that.
It's all so strange, sometimes. Sometimes I look around and I feel like everything around me is just some vast illusion. Sometimes I wonder if anyone else is real. More often, I wonder if I am real.
Yakow is spending as much time as he possibly can with his girlfriend. And that means that he's spending significantly less time with me, which makes me kind of sad. It's like all his other friends are just worthless now that he has a girlfriend he likes. It isn't easy finding times when the two of us can actually talk now. When we're alone I can tell he still likes me as much as he always has, but whenever he's in conversation with other people, something always feels different about him, something I can't really describe. It's like something's changed.
Yakow has been spending a lot of time with his new girlfriend. I can only be alone with him at one time in the day now, and I have to skip one of my periods to do it. It's worth it, though, since that class is 100% online and I can make up all of it from home. Anyway, they've started kissing every time they leave each other, which would probably make me feel a lot more uncomfortable if she weren't so friendly and social with me (not like his last girlfriend, who never said a word in my presence).