Eloisa rejected me. She sees me only as a friend. But she thought my gram was cute. I don't care about cute. It's just another tadpole in my pond that swam away from me the first chance they got. I'm not going to find my cute little tadpole. I don't think I'm going to be a "player" and take chances or risks. I'll sit back and wait. Because if someone wanted me like that, they'd look for me and fight for me.

Okay, here I am again! I've been really busy with school, and spending time with Matthew and Sarah, which is really what this journal is all about.

Before I met Sarah, girls and especially doing anything with one never really crossed my mind. My heart was entirely with Matthew and ravaging his body in every imaginable way hehe.

God I'm bored. And frustrated. I seem to have shifted back to being bi & the boy I thought I liked got asked out by a somewhat-friend of mine. Damn! Oh well, it's not like TOLO is really my thing. I'd prefer to have someone else go out on a limb and risk rejection by me than the other way around. But he was really cute and now I'm sad.
Also, the key club's DataMatch results came in & mine are pretty dismal. Out of the 30 results, the people I knew that I was matched with:
1. A teacher (eew!)
2. A girl I'm completely terrified of
3. A gay boy

Since activity here has been below low... maybe a few Oasies™ may find inspiration in this TED lecture:

Last Friday I lost my grandpa. He was the only grandpa I knew and we got really close in the past few years. He drove me to school everyday. But on Feb. 3rd he was admitted to the hospital because of a heart attack. And on Friday he had another heart attack. They revived him but right after he had another heart attack. He passed away a quarter to 5pm. It was awful. I cried a lot that day. And here I am, writing a eulogy for him and creating a slideshow of his pictures. His funeral is on Valentine's Day. I'm so scared to see him in a casket. I need a hug and words of motivation.

I can't wait to meet Sculley, Princess Lea, Chekov, Prince Humperdink, Captain Picard, Wesley Crusher, and Lando Calrissian! That's right, Comic Con is coming to town!
this year I even have money, so I can get more than one signature, & I'm going (hopefully) w/ my best friend Dagny. Also did I mention Sculley, princess Lea, chekov, Prince Humperdink (PRINCE HUMPERDINK), Captain Picard, Wesley Crusher, and Lando Calrissian??? EEEEEK!!!!!!!!
I LOVE the Emerald City! Our Comic Con rocks! I'm super hyper! Can you tell?!

I came out to a close friend today. I felt so relieved. It was great. She was curious and happy for me of course. I told her about Eloisa and she approves. We can't wait to see what happens with her.
I hope Eloisa feels the same way as I do. My cute little bundle of laughs and sweetness. Ahhh <3

I don't have time on Tuesday, but I'll do it anyway
I'll visit, and take one long look at you
and take in your face
and indulge in sin just for a moment
before giving you up.

I'll be back.
You need me to come back, so I'll come back.
I'll come back well in time for us and Rubisco and life.
And maybe by then I'll have found myself a life.

Because I need a life that isn't you
Because you have a life that isn't me

"Isn't that against your religion?"
"Yeah, well, you know that thing, that we do,
That's against my religion too.
Cafeteria Catholic."

I've been working along the /mu/ essential dark ambient list:

Here's the full size: http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-zfMs6NAPbt8/UCdOw20P9GI/AAAAAAAADl4/vxntNBGxYd...

1E, Deep_Frieze by SleepResearch_Facility, is one of the deepest collections of music I have heard in my life. I highly recommend you all engage in this journey as I have begun to. It is going to be a very interesting one for me.

*so I watched this independent LGBT film called Shelter and I loved it so much, I wrote this poem.*

The brainwashed sun sticks to my eyelids
in the pear drop morning.
Wandering down these
shipwrecked avenues,
I wear a practiced smile.
But your name is something foreign;
a long-forgotten page
from my adolescent journal,
and so used to flying under the radar,
I'm at a loss for words when
you give me a compliment.

Still, you seem comfortable
in your thick skin and it's
seriously intimidating,
seeing how you joke
without straying from the truth,

Except for when I was sick, things have been decent lately. I accidentally got an award I thought I wasn't eligible for, and I found out my tentative financial aid amount from one of my top choice colleges. Some more stuff has to be processed for it to be totally finalized, but it's pretty good, even though it doesn't cover everything, of course. I'm not special enough to get a free ride, haha. Knowing that I'm probably going to get to go is the most comforting feeling in the world, though. Like, I can't even put it into words. I'm a little scared to get excited until it's finalized, but I can't help but be excited some.

Even though things are decent, they're also kinda bland. I really don't know what to say. I just feel like I should write something here, so I'm just gonna talk about some unrelated stuff, I guess.

My first gay wedding. I went to a grand opening for a hair salon and fundraiser for the race for the cure tonight that my friend jamie, an amazing musician and artist from seattle was playing for a friend....little did I know, along with most of the folks there, that the concert and opening celebration would turn into a wedding.

About half of the crowd knew, the other half, many of whom you could see disapproved, but clapped along politely, were in shock. I almost cried. almost. My friend justin did though.

I guess there is still hope for backasswards, redneck inhabited kitsap county.

I spent hours very thoroughly scrutinizing the lyrics to this Animal Collective song:

And this what I accomplished today:

...I post on here anymore. Nobody ever comments on the things I post anyway. Not to mention I am far too old to be sticking around on a site for 'youth' anyway....

Hell, I am too old to even go to the groups here locally like oasis youth center or lambert house on capitol hill...Although both times I went there as well, I felt like I was the odd man out, like I didn't belong w/ the group of kids that were there.

I FINALLY got a date tomorrow at five! We're going to dinner and a movie and that's it. i'm going to meet him in public!