Today is Caitlin's birthday. I'm excited for her. I drew her a cupcake and said Happy Birthday. She doesn't really care that it's her birthday. She says it's just another day. I'm trying to be a good friend and make it more exciting but she won't talk to me anymore.

*I guess this is my version of a love letter :) the title is from my all-time favorite book by Nick Burd.

Dear perpetual stranger,

In august, I saw you at a neighborhood get-together
and though we both said it was stupid and boring,
the truth is I didn't mind because your irises were
filled with buttery gingerbread and your Clark Kent
type smile made me feel like I wasn't a sad story,
doing somersaults through the summer.

Trailer park flowers grow outside your front door,
but I walk up the road leading to it
with excitement ramming in my chest because

Looks like we're back?

I have come out to another friend, been to a couple of great rock shows, met a few of the local radio stations' rock girl hopefuls, wrecked my bike and smashed my face (concussion), and even journeyed north to the mythical land of the mukluk, where Draco and Swimmerguy reside. It was beautiful.

I guess I should start out w/ the coming out...as the last week or two has progressed, my friend T I came out to the other day, well...we have been conversing...and talking about who is hotter from the local radio station's contest for their 'rock girls'....aka chicks who look hot in bikinis.

Things continue to be very bland. I had kind of a field trip yesterday, so that was good. There's another one coming up soon too. It's not too exciting because these involve actually doing work and also that girl I think I might like a little isn't in the clubs or classes that get to go. Still, it's always nice to get out of that miserable school for a day.

I started counting my calories a few weeks ago. I'm not necessarily on a "diet," really. I simply make sure I don't eat over a certain number of calories per day. (I ruined it yesterday with seasoned fries and Mr. Pibb, though. Seasoned fries and Mr. Pibb is the snack of the gods. Actually, I think it's called Pibb Xtra now, but I distinctly remember it being called Mr. Pibb at one point, and I feel dumb saying "Pibb Xtra.") A few times a week I exercise too. But, I don't have any place to do it except outside, and I kind of hate it because neighbors bother me when I am clearly quite busy. I've lost some weight, I think. I'm not really all that interested in the number on the scale, so I haven't been checking that too much. I'm mainly interested in how my clothes fit and how I look instead. My wretched school uniform skirt is baggier than usual. Very nice.

I find that as I grow older I only grow stranger, I find myself grasping on to the idea of boyhood like it's a vine on a cliff named Soon-to-Be Twenty. It's not a question of being afraid of maturity or responsibility, but trying to hold on to wonder, to magic. I may be clever, but I certainly hope that in the face of the universe I'll stay a child, constantly dazzled by the new.

My braces are gone now. I've had them since freshman year, nearly four years. Feels weird, man. My mouth feels naked without them. My teeth are nice and straight, I can eat corn off the cob and chewy caramel and other delightful foodstuffs. However, I have to wear my retainer for a ridiculous length of time. It'll be going to college with me. Yay. I've been told that if I choose not to wear it my teeth will move back to where they were before the braces and thousands of precious dollars will be wasted. Ultimatums. Yay.

Sometimes I think, "hey, maybe I'd like to have a family when I'm old; I hear great things about them." Then I remember that families include other people who I have to actually care about, and that's something I want to get away from, since I have so much of that right now. Nope. I want to die alone. Maybe with a romantic partner or something. Not planning on marriage, either, so that isn't a definite. (And I'm planning on killing myself before I get old. I don't want to die of natural causes, so I'm planning on one day going skydiving and not pulling the parachute.)

You claim she's making you restless
with her strings of costume jewelry
and celebrity perfume that reeks
of insecurity and family issues.
But despite all your complaining,
the way I see things, your heart
is just as isolated as this girl's
and you two aren't that different.

She thinks it's funny to call her
peers names that she dug up
out of her dad's expensive yard,
covered in undeserving soil
and pubescent bacteria.

"Dance with me," she says.
"So everyone will think you're normal."
And you make excuses as
disco balls throw cliches
against the rundown walls of a gym

This is such a powerful video... just posted today!

Eloisa rejected me. She sees me only as a friend. But she thought my gram was cute. I don't care about cute. It's just another tadpole in my pond that swam away from me the first chance they got. I'm not going to find my cute little tadpole. I don't think I'm going to be a "player" and take chances or risks. I'll sit back and wait. Because if someone wanted me like that, they'd look for me and fight for me.

Okay, here I am again! I've been really busy with school, and spending time with Matthew and Sarah, which is really what this journal is all about.

Before I met Sarah, girls and especially doing anything with one never really crossed my mind. My heart was entirely with Matthew and ravaging his body in every imaginable way hehe.

God I'm bored. And frustrated. I seem to have shifted back to being bi & the boy I thought I liked got asked out by a somewhat-friend of mine. Damn! Oh well, it's not like TOLO is really my thing. I'd prefer to have someone else go out on a limb and risk rejection by me than the other way around. But he was really cute and now I'm sad.
Also, the key club's DataMatch results came in & mine are pretty dismal. Out of the 30 results, the people I knew that I was matched with:
1. A teacher (eew!)
2. A girl I'm completely terrified of
3. A gay boy

Since activity here has been below low... maybe a few Oasies™ may find inspiration in this TED lecture:

Last Friday I lost my grandpa. He was the only grandpa I knew and we got really close in the past few years. He drove me to school everyday. But on Feb. 3rd he was admitted to the hospital because of a heart attack. And on Friday he had another heart attack. They revived him but right after he had another heart attack. He passed away a quarter to 5pm. It was awful. I cried a lot that day. And here I am, writing a eulogy for him and creating a slideshow of his pictures. His funeral is on Valentine's Day. I'm so scared to see him in a casket. I need a hug and words of motivation.