ignored me all day, didn't even say goodnight
how did i know i could not trust you yet again
i am worried about the valentines day presents that will arrive on my doorstep
i was not aware you could deliver lies to me in person, being 1200 miles away, but you continue to impress me
it is not easy to see your face
and not recognize its contours
it is not easy to see your body
and feel that
it belongs to another.
the lines are wrong
the lines are false
this is not my body
this cannot be my body
it was not
meant to be this way.
damn this cock
damn these disgusting
that poison my blood
that poison my body
cause this falsehood
were there a god I would curse him
for the fate
he assigned to me:
a body that is wrong
a body that is sick
a body that is disgusting
So I haven't seen Jake in a whole month! We still speak on email and viber or whatever some days but still. I think we're still sort of together I guess until we see eachother and see how we feel. but space is good for now!! I went to Bali without him with my girlfriends and it was so good, I went out clubbing, and it was cool meeting other people to just know that Jake isn't the only one out there. I nearly cheated on him! With the hottest guy ever but I didnt.
i was so impressed at the way you listened to me. classical apathetic argument between us, you stayed silent and i placed words out like setting the table for a large family dinner, inviting you to sit down for a bit. you told me honestly you wanted to leave.
i gave you all the information i could to salvage your frayed mind and left you in peace
I know I'm sort of clogging this place, but things are going well. Besides the crushing migraine, aching eyes, relentless cough, distressed throat, and periodic nausea. Other than that, I'm fine.
You-know-who was happy to see me after the break (and produced a very large smile upon seeing me near), and we ended up talking for longer than we should have (or at least longer than the school would have wanted). I was very late to class, but that teacher doesn't give a fuck about anything so it doesn't matter.
A bitter taste to rival the cloying earnestness of angst
YE WHO HARM
may you rot
YE WHO WOUND
may you fester
YE WHO BRUTALIZE THE INNOCENT
may you find yourself
the recipient of
your own horrors.
i am no prophet
nor am I God
i'm just a girl
who wants to have something to eat.
but is it unreasonable
to request from my fellows
they act with decency
is it unimaginable that
laughter should be genuine?
happiness be the
is it in the stars that humanity
must be cruel?
i do not believe so
OH BUT HOW I HATE YOU
HOW I LOATHE YOU
did i start the poetry train rollin? awesome
I don’t know why he thinks I’m the fragile one, when he
cannot handle sleeping any less than 8 hours
without turning into a moody mess; when he
cannot spend one lazy weekend without seeing his friends
and cracks when he cannot play
less than 20 hours of video games a week.
It may be true that my hips look
like I ran them through a meat grinder,
and my tear ducts get more excersize than
my lungs have in years,
but I sleep 2 hours every night and
take care of my problems.
Next person I hear uses the word tranny
I'm ripping out their eyes
I'll tear out their throat
with my teeth.
So yeah it's like
I'm afraid to go outside
I feel like if I do
people will see me but not see me.
I'm a fucking girl
but if I'm not wearing a dress
or something form-fitting I'm
just a boy.
I'm not a fucking boy
fuck you fuckers.
I shouldn't have to convince you
I shouldn't have to wear
shit I don't want to wear
you fuckers will recognize
what I am.
So you cunts
My head is a pulsating void. All I can hear is this ringing and the sound of my heart beat, driving me insane. I'm in inescapable pain and I am helpless and immobile. My throat is burnt to soot and dry. I'm slowly learning to walk again.
So I had to take the day off of school. This was not a fun weekend. At least it isn't as bad as it was yesterday.
我決定現在開始我要練習我的中文. 自從我爸媽回去台灣之後我就沒有說多少中文了. 一開始這還算沒問題, 反而我還覺得這事件好事 - 但是後來我才發現中文不只很有用, 如果我不好好加強我其實是失去了一部份的"我". 我每天會用中文寫一段短文, 順便也可以利用這個機會來寫日記.
vomiting through my nose, i choke
panicked gasps and still my shaking hand;
35 pretty red lines marking my hips today-
slices upon thickened scar tissue, my
musical ledger lines waiting to be notated.
i told you my trust was not to be given;
only auctioned to the highest bidder
willing to excersize extreme self sacrifice
you looked at me with honeyed eyes,
forgetting who you are,
and handed me an IOU
I feel like it's pretty fucked up that when
I watch Adventure Time
The character I get
More than anyone else
is the Ice King
The guy that nobody likes
Who just doesn't get
the way that people work
Who started out pretty well
until his life went to hell
cuz he started to lose his mind
and suddenly I notice that mine
is slipping away
more and more
as the screaming starts to drown myself out
I feel so trapped inside my mind
when I can't hear a thing
that I think
and I wonder if I'm starting to slip
And I wonder if I know anything
Because the more that I look
1) you are naked except for a blindfold
2) the artist hands you a piece of chalk
3) the artist draws on your back
4) through my sense of touch, you try to imitate the lines she is drawing with the chalk on a concrete floor
5) she tries to create something beautiful, something you cannot see
6) the artist struggles, begins to force me into the act of creation - you do not see this world, yet are entirely under her will
[...] you both try
7) forty-five minutes later, the blindfold is removed, you am bleeding from being dragged across the floor, everything is grey, white and red
How do you describe to someone
who is so apathetic and cruel
that they’re that kind of angry again?
you may have thought you had an off switch,
a kill code,
but it’s trapped somewhere inside of that skull, and you
are not at home, absent,
and i am standing at your door in the rain
You didn’t let me say goodbye, goodnight, that I love you-
with the riveting explanation of your all day absence tomorrow,
you deftly gave our relationship the middle finger.
little do you know
Today was a fucking good day! I'm actually really happy, and I think you can guess why. I had a really good conversation, nearly five full minutes in length (which is a lot for how it's been going), plus two shorter ones. It almost felt like the good old days. He started out really quiet and just unusual for some reason, and then by the end of the day, he had gradually shifted back to the state he usually is around me, so that was really weird.