you replied to one text before i got home around 4:00, i had 20 tulips packed in a box on my bed and you were right, i cried when i saw them
(not for the reason you wanted)
you nearly broke up with me on valentine's day, i had to convince you that i was worth it
but i've seen the mistake etched in your words, i've seen the shift of your actions, and maybe, just
i can trust you this time
we both know that you don't get this way because of true apathy, oh no- 4 years of being best friends and you loving me the entire time, it'd be foolish to explain away the apathy with that
I started getting annoyed at House of Leaves because Mark Z. Danielewski keeps making me abandon the story to flip through the entire book to something that I don't feel like reading. So I went to the bookstore looking for an interesting little poetry book titled The Container Store; to no surprise they didn't have it, but they did have The Silmarillion, which is much longer and will take a lot more time to finish. But that's nice because I like Tolkien. His works really appealed to me when I was younger and more open-minded, so they help me return to that mindset now.
School is seriously going to kill me, I'm full of work and I'm way too stupid to do it the day they assign it, plus midterms are really hard and I need to write an autobiography and I don't want to do it specially because I need to mention the events that changed me and I don't know if I should write about my depression, but I don't know who I would be right now if I didn't suffer from all the shit in my life and seriously fuck the guy who said that 11th grade is easy and you don't do anything.
I've been sick the last two weeks, and got out of the hospital Friday after being there a few days with a flu/pneumonia combination that could have gotten really bad for me. The good news is I'm better, bad news is basketball season for me is over.
I shouldn't be too surprised by that really, especially after missing practice because I was too weak, but it's kind of like after all the dedication and practice it's just over for now. My school had a chance at playoffs with me on the team, and not to sound cocky, without me it would have been that much harder.
ignored me all day, didn't even say goodnight
how did i know i could not trust you yet again
i am worried about the valentines day presents that will arrive on my doorstep
i was not aware you could deliver lies to me in person, being 1200 miles away, but you continue to impress me
it is not easy to see your face
and not recognize its contours
it is not easy to see your body
and feel that
it belongs to another.
the lines are wrong
the lines are false
this is not my body
this cannot be my body
it was not
meant to be this way.
damn this cock
damn these disgusting
that poison my blood
that poison my body
cause this falsehood
were there a god I would curse him
for the fate
he assigned to me:
a body that is wrong
a body that is sick
a body that is disgusting
So I haven't seen Jake in a whole month! We still speak on email and viber or whatever some days but still. I think we're still sort of together I guess until we see eachother and see how we feel. but space is good for now!! I went to Bali without him with my girlfriends and it was so good, I went out clubbing, and it was cool meeting other people to just know that Jake isn't the only one out there. I nearly cheated on him! With the hottest guy ever but I didnt.
i was so impressed at the way you listened to me. classical apathetic argument between us, you stayed silent and i placed words out like setting the table for a large family dinner, inviting you to sit down for a bit. you told me honestly you wanted to leave.
i gave you all the information i could to salvage your frayed mind and left you in peace
I know I'm sort of clogging this place, but things are going well. Besides the crushing migraine, aching eyes, relentless cough, distressed throat, and periodic nausea. Other than that, I'm fine.
You-know-who was happy to see me after the break (and produced a very large smile upon seeing me near), and we ended up talking for longer than we should have (or at least longer than the school would have wanted). I was very late to class, but that teacher doesn't give a fuck about anything so it doesn't matter.
A bitter taste to rival the cloying earnestness of angst
YE WHO HARM
may you rot
YE WHO WOUND
may you fester
YE WHO BRUTALIZE THE INNOCENT
may you find yourself
the recipient of
your own horrors.
i am no prophet
nor am I God
i'm just a girl
who wants to have something to eat.
but is it unreasonable
to request from my fellows
they act with decency
is it unimaginable that
laughter should be genuine?
happiness be the
is it in the stars that humanity
must be cruel?
i do not believe so
OH BUT HOW I HATE YOU
HOW I LOATHE YOU
did i start the poetry train rollin? awesome
I don’t know why he thinks I’m the fragile one, when he
cannot handle sleeping any less than 8 hours
without turning into a moody mess; when he
cannot spend one lazy weekend without seeing his friends
and cracks when he cannot play
less than 20 hours of video games a week.
It may be true that my hips look
like I ran them through a meat grinder,
and my tear ducts get more excersize than
my lungs have in years,
but I sleep 2 hours every night and
take care of my problems.
Next person I hear uses the word tranny
I'm ripping out their eyes
I'll tear out their throat
with my teeth.
So yeah it's like
I'm afraid to go outside
I feel like if I do
people will see me but not see me.
I'm a fucking girl
but if I'm not wearing a dress
or something form-fitting I'm
just a boy.
I'm not a fucking boy
fuck you fuckers.
I shouldn't have to convince you
I shouldn't have to wear
shit I don't want to wear
you fuckers will recognize
what I am.
So you cunts
My head is a pulsating void. All I can hear is this ringing and the sound of my heart beat, driving me insane. I'm in inescapable pain and I am helpless and immobile. My throat is burnt to soot and dry. I'm slowly learning to walk again.
So I had to take the day off of school. This was not a fun weekend. At least it isn't as bad as it was yesterday.
我決定現在開始我要練習我的中文. 自從我爸媽回去台灣之後我就沒有說多少中文了. 一開始這還算沒問題, 反而我還覺得這事件好事 - 但是後來我才發現中文不只很有用, 如果我不好好加強我其實是失去了一部份的"我". 我每天會用中文寫一段短文, 順便也可以利用這個機會來寫日記.
vomiting through my nose, i choke
panicked gasps and still my shaking hand;
35 pretty red lines marking my hips today-
slices upon thickened scar tissue, my
musical ledger lines waiting to be notated.
i told you my trust was not to be given;
only auctioned to the highest bidder
willing to excersize extreme self sacrifice
you looked at me with honeyed eyes,
forgetting who you are,
and handed me an IOU