I am tired, friends. Terribly tired. My whole body aches with fury for no real reason. I'm shaking. I want him so fucking badly. Why can't I fucking have him? I want it all so terribly badly. Everything. Sometimes it seems like I can take it for myself but I can't, I can't, it's always just so far away, always so close, but never close enough. I want it, I want it! I want it all. All my desires, all of them, they are always just out of reach. Sometimes with enough work I can get my hands on something. Sometimes it's a someone. Ah, I pride myself on my skill at getting who I want to have.
(I wrote this last easter and still find it rather odd. no disrespect meant to any religion, just something to read as a responce to "Two loves")
(WARNING!! QUITE ADULT SUBJECT MATTER)
"THE LOVE THAT DARES SPEAK ITS NAME" By Jac Woods
As they took him from the cross
I, the centurion, took him in my arms-
the tough lean body
of a man no longer young,
but well hung.
He was still warm.
While they prepared the tomb
I kept guard over him.
His mother and the Magdalen
had gone to fetch clean linen
to shroud his nakedness.
*sorry it's been awhile but I watched Geography Club and was inspired :)
Your cheek pressed against my arm,
making it go numb.
I watched as your
eagle feathers onto your flesh and
counted the freckles
along the bridge of your nose as
you fell asleep next to me on
an unmade bed in a room
that was once a basement.
I think I'm too far gone in this stupor,
in this trance I'm in whenever
you come over and we play
stupid video games like
that's all we ever think about,
like that's natural;
an everyday thing.
But boy, we both know
I'm not your friend
You'll likely wonder… was he like so many of his age who were gay and yet married because that is what society expected?
On top of the Festivus gift of House of Leaves that I have been enjoying, I also just received two Christmas gifts: a Roland MKS-30 and a vinyl copy of In the Court of the Crimson King. I will possibly be doing a collab with someone I know this weekend, and I require a MIDI interface that will allow me to send sustained signals, which my current piece of shit one for some reason will not.
Also, it's been a nice, warm Christmas. Not a flake of snow to be seen.
it's christmas and i'm all alone with my mother's medicine cabinet
& it's not that i'm lonely just that
i don't know
am i ever going to fall in love again?
am i ever going to kiss someone for the first time again?
will my heart ever race again - "does he like me?"
and it's not that i don't love him, in his now-unbruised arms,
i just want to be a boy again, just once,
i want to be naive, shy, uncertain, again
i want to feel like
everything is the
(... and none of the drugs ever made me feel that)
i'm so sorry
I was looking through one of my old journals from June I think it was. About My Little Pony and how it's got this crazy cult following. Well I made a little comment that I should definately go check out one of those conventions that the fans sometimes setup. So I did, I went to, you guessed it, a brony convention.
I just started reading House of Leaves and I am ready for what may just be the trippiest literary experience of my life. The guy at the store already remarked on how trippy it is as soon as I said the name. (The girl was apparently not aware of it, and was pretty surprised when she saw all the near-blank pages.) Anyway, that's irrelevant and all that matters now is Zampanò's appartment.
So yeah Hallmark Channel. Two straight months of Christmas movies, what the hell? I can't watch The Golden Girls because of this, why Hallmark Channel, why? On an unrelated note, my college lacks a GSA. Now it's probably not a big deal seeing as almost any LGBT person by now has some support somewhere.
Work is having a seriously detrimental impact on my quality of life. I was standing on the edge of my balcony, and I knew in a fit of anger I could've thrown myself over. Instead, I called my boyfriend, and I ended up yelling at him, which didn't help. That was almost the tipping point, but instead I took a deep breath and stepped away. I called him again, just so I had someone to talk to, somebody, anybody.
It never ends.
So basically, as you might know, I was looking for a job several months ago, and after much searching I came up with a temporary position sign shaking for Value Village. This turned out to kinda suck. I mean, obviously, sign shaking for minimum wage is always going to suck, but no, it's much worse than that.
Watching a romance movie with the girl you like is weird, but in a good way.
I should probably back up and elaborate on that one a little. Well, it all started when I was studying for finals. I think two went reasonably okay, one was a crapshoot, and the other was just... um. I haven't gotten the results back yet, but I know my GPA is not going to be where I want it to be, so I'll just have to try harder next semester. On the bright side, next semester, I have to take a freshman writing seminar thing, which will be excellent for my GPA. It's sorted by topic too, and I picked the one with early 1900s European history because that's my favorite historical time period. Almost every assignment I've received an A or A- on here has been an essay. I can write you a damn good essay, but put a test in front of me, and I'll probably throw up and cry...
In a literal way, though, so it wasn't fun. I had to stay in my first period class for nearly three hours, so I missed my favorite period and I didn't get to talk to anybody I normally talk to. Today was boring. Pretty much nobody was there and I didn't even get to see a certain person who is in a way somewhat important to me (elph should know who I'm talking about). So I guess a day like this is something I have to write about.
Also, Merzbow's birthday was yesterday, so this is obligatory:
I was in my class after our exams .Biology was over 25 minutes ago and i
was so worried about my performance when she came in .What started out
as a normal discussion between friends turned into an ultimate debate on
pregnancy and its complications.She then told me that all the pain
you'll go through during that time will dissolve into nothing when you
see your baby's smile.But i couldn't tell her that it isn't the baby's
smile that'll dissolve my pain but her smile.
It's been two years since I created this account, and it's been incredible all the stuff that this two years have brought me, I still remember the night when I created, my depression, Nico, my school problems, being a new kid, the bitch of my old psychologist and many other things. It makes me sad that next year I won't be able to write here and whine about life.