The break's over, and I'm back to those silly conversations about everything and nothing to everyone else that inspire me to move in the morning. Even when the week turns to shit, I still have something, or someone, nice to justify it. A year and a half of development sure has gone far.
Sorry I'm not talking about anything else at the moment. This is the only subject that I have nobody else with whom it can be discussed.
There's no saving or keeping it'll always end why does it end I don't want it to end I love them all I love them why does it end why does it end Why why why I can't save him I can't help him I love him I can't help him Purpose purpose purpose I wish I could give it I wish I could give it what is my purpose why can't I save them I love them all I'm so sorry i'm so sorry please forgive me please forgive me I wish I could help oh god I wish I could help I've failed I've failed I've failed I can't do a thing I'm lost I'm lost I've failed I've lost please help me please help I need help I'm lonely
It has been so long since I have had thoughts of just giving up and quitting running through my head, but now that is all that I have. Everything I do is just starting to seem so damn pointless at this point anyway, considering that I feel like I am getting no where. Having to get a job soon won't really help, because frankly money is really stupid, and I have never understood the appeal. I don't buy or own much anymore, and so I don't use it except on essentials and frankly I have no desire to get outside of that trend. I have also started training for my martial arts almost every day...
Wishing all Oasies™ a very Happy 2014!
I am tired, friends. Terribly tired. My whole body aches with fury for no real reason. I'm shaking. I want him so fucking badly. Why can't I fucking have him? I want it all so terribly badly. Everything. Sometimes it seems like I can take it for myself but I can't, I can't, it's always just so far away, always so close, but never close enough. I want it, I want it! I want it all. All my desires, all of them, they are always just out of reach. Sometimes with enough work I can get my hands on something. Sometimes it's a someone. Ah, I pride myself on my skill at getting who I want to have.
(I wrote this last easter and still find it rather odd. no disrespect meant to any religion, just something to read as a responce to "Two loves")
(WARNING!! QUITE ADULT SUBJECT MATTER)
"THE LOVE THAT DARES SPEAK ITS NAME" By Jac Woods
As they took him from the cross
I, the centurion, took him in my arms-
the tough lean body
of a man no longer young,
but well hung.
He was still warm.
While they prepared the tomb
I kept guard over him.
His mother and the Magdalen
had gone to fetch clean linen
to shroud his nakedness.
*sorry it's been awhile but I watched Geography Club and was inspired :)
Your cheek pressed against my arm,
making it go numb.
I watched as your
eagle feathers onto your flesh and
counted the freckles
along the bridge of your nose as
you fell asleep next to me on
an unmade bed in a room
that was once a basement.
I think I'm too far gone in this stupor,
in this trance I'm in whenever
you come over and we play
stupid video games like
that's all we ever think about,
like that's natural;
an everyday thing.
But boy, we both know
I'm not your friend
You'll likely wonder… was he like so many of his age who were gay and yet married because that is what society expected?
On top of the Festivus gift of House of Leaves that I have been enjoying, I also just received two Christmas gifts: a Roland MKS-30 and a vinyl copy of In the Court of the Crimson King. I will possibly be doing a collab with someone I know this weekend, and I require a MIDI interface that will allow me to send sustained signals, which my current piece of shit one for some reason will not.
Also, it's been a nice, warm Christmas. Not a flake of snow to be seen.
it's christmas and i'm all alone with my mother's medicine cabinet
& it's not that i'm lonely just that
i don't know
am i ever going to fall in love again?
am i ever going to kiss someone for the first time again?
will my heart ever race again - "does he like me?"
and it's not that i don't love him, in his now-unbruised arms,
i just want to be a boy again, just once,
i want to be naive, shy, uncertain, again
i want to feel like
everything is the
(... and none of the drugs ever made me feel that)
i'm so sorry
I was looking through one of my old journals from June I think it was. About My Little Pony and how it's got this crazy cult following. Well I made a little comment that I should definately go check out one of those conventions that the fans sometimes setup. So I did, I went to, you guessed it, a brony convention.
I just started reading House of Leaves and I am ready for what may just be the trippiest literary experience of my life. The guy at the store already remarked on how trippy it is as soon as I said the name. (The girl was apparently not aware of it, and was pretty surprised when she saw all the near-blank pages.) Anyway, that's irrelevant and all that matters now is Zampanò's appartment.
So yeah Hallmark Channel. Two straight months of Christmas movies, what the hell? I can't watch The Golden Girls because of this, why Hallmark Channel, why? On an unrelated note, my college lacks a GSA. Now it's probably not a big deal seeing as almost any LGBT person by now has some support somewhere.
Work is having a seriously detrimental impact on my quality of life. I was standing on the edge of my balcony, and I knew in a fit of anger I could've thrown myself over. Instead, I called my boyfriend, and I ended up yelling at him, which didn't help. That was almost the tipping point, but instead I took a deep breath and stepped away. I called him again, just so I had someone to talk to, somebody, anybody.