It's been too long since I've written on here, and the reasons why are real bad.
In my last journal I had the impression that things were going good for me, and they were, but there was a hidden thunderstorm that was about to hit, and I wasn't prepared for it.
Right after I wrote the "Pizza With Dad" journal my family went down to Florida for a weekend getaway, and my parents let my boyfriend Colin come along with us. We stayed at a Holiday Inn Express, with my parents in one room and Colin and I in another.
I have started working full time for the first time at a chemist's, in order to save money over the summer for university, which I am moving to London to study in September. Working so much has definitely changed something inside me, it's a little difficult to describe, but I feel more responsibility, a little bit more sense of myself and when I get back home on my bike, I feel a little tired but do feel happy that I have worked and have not just spent time by myself watching more films, like i do most of my free time.
I cant remember how I figured out I was lesbian, I do all my major thinking at night so I think I was half asleep at the time. Both my parents are either psychologists or social workers so they're super cool about it and my only other sibling took it really well, and I don't really have a religion. But my family are the only people that know. Right now, its hard to be lesbian. I'm twelve, you may think that is way to young to know if I'm lesbian but I just know, you know? I've always been mentally more mature than most people in my grade.
Basically since this past weekend things have been getting crappier. So this last weekend at a party I was drunk as usual and well I kissed a girl and then a guy, but kissing him was more like and impulse that my drunken brain decided to follow; the guy didn't do anything so I thought that he was ok with it, but boy I was really wrong.
Cheaters lie and liars cheat. They may say they love you but they will grasp at straws and draw you back in. They may change but it's too late and there's no one you can tell they are genuine. They might say they don't want to hurt you but it's because it's about the guilt and shame. They might reflect but they've already broken that trust. It's a shame because it's not just about the cheating it's about lieing about the cheating. In a weird way I've already given him so many second chances.
Hi. I haven't been here in a while - haven't needed to. My life's been good and my mind's been good, and when it hasn't I've turned to my girlfriend instead - sorry, old friends.
(Side note: I'm gonna miss you a lot when Oasis is gone - let's stay in touch! Private message me for contact information!)
i keep trying to make friends and hang out with people and they all ditch me
my best friend doesn't even like me
i don't fucking understand what's so bad about me
my sister ruined my graduation by screaming at me and calling me a bitch right after i came out with my diploma
just so much keeps going wrong. i keep applying at places for a job, no job yet.
I'm fucking angry. I'm fucking angry at the shit that this fucking world has decided to put me through. I'm fucking angry that I have to listen to this fucking screaming all my fucking life and it hurts and it sucks and I need it to stop but the more stressed I get the louder they are and it's not exactly like they calm my nerves is it? I'm fucking angry that some fucker decided to rape me and not just once no somebody had to do it again years later and you know what fuck you, fuck you, fuck you! I HATE YOU!
He. Is. Beautiful.
Wonderfully, gloriously, fantastically beautiful; yes indeed! Gorgeous.
His skin is soft, brown, and pleasant to the eye as well as the hand. His eyes are deep and thoughtful- but only at some times. At others, they are guarded, mistrustful. I cannot blame him, our pasts are not so dissimilar; his of poverty, yes, and mine of mild wealth. Our past has been traumatic; we are brothers in fear and brothers in hate and brothers in hell. I have no doubt that we shall follow each other to hell as it is, once we die.
So weird writing a journal entry right now. Its been well over a year since I posted my last entry. I can't believe the website is going to be gone this November! I've been posting on here since my Freshman year of high school.. its kind of amazing having an actual place to look back on the mindset of my fifteen-sixteen year old self. A lot has changed ( thank god)
I've been disappointed all day after looking forward to it for a month. Thanks again, I really loved feeling detached from another chance to join such a wonderful social gathering of people whom I can relate to, thanks. I really love this feeling, it's been awhile since genuine disappointment has paid me a visit.
I climb Olympus, taking care to
watch my step for fear of Death,
I seek the pastures still to come
as freezing air does chill my breath.
I search for comfort, calm, or quiet,
wish those pastures might appear
For my knees are bent and broken,
and nightfall follows, all too near.
And as I stand here, strange and fearful,
beholding heaven at the peak,
I know that to complete my journey
still stranger pastures must I seek.
do you think it is a place of peace that place i must retreat to when i close my eyes and think of nights of yore when i was young and foolish?
do you think i wish to sleep when all i know is darker dreams of stinking breath and bloodstained underwear?
hateful black and endless nights of dying days and frightened child i dream as
sleep oh little girl and dream for once of things unlikely, dream of flowers growing ever, dream of children singing sweetly, dream of childhood, not of fear and blood