um...here it goes...just a little background:
when i was born my parents were both drug addicts, i was born addicted to heroin and coke. when i was four things at home started to get out of hand, and my grand parents got custody of me. I guess i have always known that im not completly straight...in preeschool i had a "friend"...Chealsea...she and i used to kiss and shit...all the stuff we thought only boys and girls could do. Now dont get me wrong, i have been raise in a very liberal, accepting house...i mean, for god's sake...i live in San Francisco, and my grandma teaches human sexuality at SF state university! we always had gay family friends over, i i was told it was perfectly normal...that it was better than normal, that it was beautiful. However, that is not what our storybooks said, and that is not what the tv said...the media had a major impact on my beliefs and values during the very early years of my life...anyway, chealsea and i would kiss and stuff, but i always, to some extent, thought what we were doing was wrong...but at the same time, i thougt it was normal, that every other four year old was experimenting in this fashion...
Am happy, like the bi-polar mania kind of happy! LOL! I'm pretty sure its not a chemical imbalance induced happy, but I imagine this is what it would feel like to be on the manic end of the bi-polar episode.
Anyway, I painted tonight. It was fantastic. When I stop and then go back, I always wonder why I don't just do it all the time. Oh wait, starving artist is not my style.
Okay people. I really need to know how "we" turn out as homosexuals. Is it the chromosomes (x and y genes)? Or do circumstances or incidents shape us into becoming queer? I mean I've always liked girls and I think along the way I got used to liking boys, because it was the "normal" thing to do.
On a totally different note....how can you really tell if a person is queer, without snooping for hints. Do we all have underlying qualities of homosexuality, which are just waiting to be triggered? Or are those "straight" people, just NOT attracted to the sexy girls and hot guys?!?
a treatise on the rise of the xerox.
I LOVE RACHELLE!!!!!
Im all out of poetry at the moment. I have some more saved but its all crap. Im working on a story, well I started to a while a go, maybe ill post that. Im still sick but i refuse to go to the doctor. Im not in the mood to get felt up by an old man, maybe when im feeling better i could arrange that one :P My nose wouldnt stop bleeding today. Bloody noses confuse me. All the blood and no pain. Seems very unreal.
I deleted all the porn on my computer. During my week of isolationism, I will not Mr. Palmer of any of his five slutty sons.
I'm curious to the effects on my mind.
Though I wasn't looking for anyone new,
One day I read an entry and in it was you.
Charming, sensitive and so debonair,
I strongly resisted it go anywhere.
But mails and stories captured my heart,
Filled me with passion almost from the start.
Love on the Internet, how could it be?
These things just don't happen to people like me.
But lambs and goats flew into our lives,
Carrying messages we could not deny.
I should explore my social isolation further and see what other insights it may reep. I'm thinking of one week. I'll go to my club meetings and interact as normal there as well as participate in class but I will do little more.
I'm needing to work on a programming project in C, and I'm feeling really stupid about my programming prowess.... however much I love the Lone Gunmen, I must admit that my Kung Foo is not the best.
My weekend turned out to be a lot more busy than i had originally thought..
Firstly .. a lot of people should know by now about my attraction to Colin Farrel, indeed.. he is number 1 on my list of men in hollywood to shag ... and then my housemate drops this on my bed on sunday morning... or atleast an edited version of that.. heh.
Anyway , i ended up spending 13 hours in a bathhouse on sunday. Which is weird for me.. I don't usually go into the casual sex scene thing, but this was a nice relaxed change.
So i've been visiting Oasis for like forever? It's been a few years at least, but i've never signed up. Well, I finally did it. Yay. Ok, anyways. About myself? Oh ok.
An ode to Peter Greenaway.
Well not really, I just stole his title.
Some sayings from the Devil's Dictionary to reflect my current condition....
Thourhgout the course of my 17 year life, I realize that I have fuckd so many people over... And I want to apologize (in no paticular order)...
Dustin - I'm sorry that you were the first guy I ever liked... I'm sorry you had to go through my petty shit and deal with me...
Brian - How can I even begin... I'm so sorry for being so demanding, for loving you so much. For letting my emotions get the best of me... And for caring so fucking much...