I'm needing to work on a programming project in C, and I'm feeling really stupid about my programming prowess.... however much I love the Lone Gunmen, I must admit that my Kung Foo is not the best.
My weekend turned out to be a lot more busy than i had originally thought..
Firstly .. a lot of people should know by now about my attraction to Colin Farrel, indeed.. he is number 1 on my list of men in hollywood to shag ... and then my housemate drops this on my bed on sunday morning... or atleast an edited version of that.. heh.
Anyway , i ended up spending 13 hours in a bathhouse on sunday. Which is weird for me.. I don't usually go into the casual sex scene thing, but this was a nice relaxed change.
So i've been visiting Oasis for like forever? It's been a few years at least, but i've never signed up. Well, I finally did it. Yay. Ok, anyways. About myself? Oh ok.
An ode to Peter Greenaway.
Well not really, I just stole his title.
Some sayings from the Devil's Dictionary to reflect my current condition....
Thourhgout the course of my 17 year life, I realize that I have fuckd so many people over... And I want to apologize (in no paticular order)...
Dustin - I'm sorry that you were the first guy I ever liked... I'm sorry you had to go through my petty shit and deal with me...
Brian - How can I even begin... I'm so sorry for being so demanding, for loving you so much. For letting my emotions get the best of me... And for caring so fucking much...
Perhaps brought on by an academic bantering on the objectivity/subjectivity of the corpse, too many episodes of _Six Feet Under_ and some really morbid introspection.
You have been forewarned that this could ruin a peppy disposition.
So I re-read my last blog, and I've come away with the realization that I just need to deal with who I am. If I don't like something I'm doing or not doing, then I need to change that behaviour. Of course it may not be that simple, however it can be that simple...to at least get started.
My weekend was so-so. Blah.
And earlier today i visited my brother at Indiana University. 'Twas fun.
I also got the Norah Jones cd, mmmmm. It's like an orgasm for your ears.
In gay news, i have a Gay-Straight Alliance meeting tomorrow. Should be tons o' fun.
Why am I so afraid of something as stupid as people not liking me for who I am [gay]? I must just have a general fear of confrontation. I also keep obsessively labling myself like that. I need some reality. I wish I would just kick my own ass and act brave.
On a side note, soy products are good - I could get used to this.
Love & Peace,
~From a year a go~ February 2002
Life Without you... I was so scared today
I want to sheild you from everyone
I never want you to be hurt, I want to protect you
I wish I could wrap you in my arms and your pain would disolve
Why cant it be that simple?
I dont want you to leave me
I want you here With me
Your so beautiful, how can you hate yourslef
Without you, where would I be
I need you
It is so funny how someone can mean so much to you at one moment, and then in the next, you can't wait to get rid of them. heheh.
It's so hard in a world where people have such high expectations of what they want you to be and become.
If they knew I was bi I think their world wouldn't be quite the same, I don't know if they would treat me the same, or if it would make it all seem ok.
It's just as easy to let things be and pretend to be heterosexual. Well it is for me.