Tonight I hurt someone really badly. I risked loosing them and their love, along with their trust. I did something really horrible, which I regret, and what's worse is that I did it to protect myself. I made that person cry, I messed with their mind, and I feel like killing myself. I never in my wildest dreams, thought someone could cry over me, let alone someone who has known me for less than a month.
hmmmm....Well i am really fucked up. I have scars on my writs from when i couldn't handle the pian inside. I wanted to hurt myself even more i stopped eating and lost 12 pounds in 2 months. I have a really fucked up realationship with my parents. And i fucked up my realationship with the only person in the world who i thought truly cared about, and the wrost part is i know i am the one who fucked it up. I really just want it all to go back to when i wasn't fucked up, when i loved my parents, when they loved me.
me gods. 12 days and counting. that means that there will be at least 12 more rants...LOL.
Maggie complaining. It happens sometimes.
Perhaps I spoke too soon. Today, Tuesday I've run into difficulty. I sat at the black table at dinner and had nice conversation with a friend.
Chapter 1: Passing Notes
Maybe it was the phone call last night
I ask myself why can't catch up with people I see around me and I ask myself why I'm doing this.
As I emerge from the dining hall
the world is as bright as the day is long
bright with snow
bright as winter
through the long white expanse, I walk
on paked down snow, cold and barren
as the frigid air that smaks my cheek
I wish I had a portal, like Homer Simpson, so I could magically appear wherever I wanted to, at the push of a button.
Ahh, the possibilities.
In my job, I speak to americans. everyday, all day. all regions of the country, all differnt clases aswell. and one thing I have noticed is. For the most part they are dumb. I often wonder how most of these people make it thro day to day life,, they are that stupid.
Most have no concept of deductive reasoning, and the rest are so Naive in thier life, they would surely be the first to die in a cataclysmic global event.
I miss Riley. Where is she?!
I think there should be a student discount for vibrators and other sex toys.
In third grade I dissected owl pellets. Despite my usual enthusiasm for science, (I won the state science fair that year experimenting with the feeding habits of Lumbricus Terrestris (known to laymen as "earthworms")), I was deeply troubled- not so much by the pellet itself, after all, I handled the worms without so much as a murmur- but, as I now believe, by the concept of regurgitation. As my schooling progressed I was introduced to a more sophisticated form of pre-digestion: the textbook.
I'm on Oasis! I'm so excited. It finally worked.
So I guess this is where I just start to spill everything - who I am, what I'm all about, where I'm from...
Well, Sat. night I found out that I suck at flirting. I went to this big pompous formal event with tuxedos and evening gowns and everything. I was at a table with this guy I hadn't seen in months. (Let's just call him Andrew). I knew he was gay when I saw him last September, at a friend's party, playing truth or dare in the hottub. Wow.
here is a list of painful memories:
watching my parents shoot up
listening to my parents fight
watching my arents fight
talking to the cops about my parents fight
going to a jail, and seeing my daddy through a glass window, holding back the tears so i could talk to him over the little phone
waiting for hours to see my mom on my birthday, when she promised she would come, but then didn't show