*sigh* I thought I had it all worked out so that I would be rooming with Erin next year (the girl I've been crushing on all year, but that I'm trying to get over). But, It's not meant to be...
It all happened, Happened when I saw you.
My date stood me up, and im terribally saddened. Im undesired and unwanted. Oh well.
It sucks when.. you're not invited to your best friend's 16th birthday party because her boyfriend doesnt like you. The boyfriend, that happens to be homophobic and a pot head.
It sucks when.. you're not invited to your best friend's 16th birthday party but the boy who did sexual things with you one night and never talked to you agian afterwards was invited.
It sucks that you have to pretend like you dont mind.
Sorry for the long time between my last and this posting--I'd honestly meant to write much sooner, but as life tends to do, it got in the way of things.
Not to get stuck on one toipc but I find this to be really important, or at least have bearing on my college experience itself.
i've had the weirdest week. when i met my ex i realized that i can't do this long distance thing with heather. emily is coming over today to hang out, and its pretty much a date.
So uh yah. My sister got accepted to Emerson, which is good and bad. Her acception is my denial. It accentuates all the things I cant do in life and how untalented I truly am. Its depressing, but what isnt these days????
I honestly do think something is wrong with me. Its like spiraling downward sharply and not being able to do anything to save myself. The only two things I value these days are my paints, and scissors. Generally anything sharp will do. I cant believe how fake my life is in some senses. I have become quite skilled at forcing smiles and laughs. Its amazing.
*deep breath* I need life to start working again. I think I broke it. But for now, I am going to focus on the good things in life....
But that is what spring is all about. New Beginnings.
I have gotten over the one who broke my heart one too many times...
sigh.............i guess this is better than a full fledged depression.
i hate my life. i have a virtually inexistant gay life, no gay frens, and obviously have no way to channel my gayness. and i hate the fact i'm stuck where i am doing what i am.
today i went browsing at the mall and found that there isn't anybody that i could ask to go shopping with me. sometimes i feel so alone, with all these desires to do things others don't.
well, That was an interesting birthday.
So, there was a message board topic looking for non-fiction and lesbian novels, and in my misreading, I started preparing a list of some of the best gay books I've read. Halfway into it, I realized i was off-topic, but decided it might be good to post this and steer people away from some of the really bad gay fiction (read: most of it).
Thats the one thought raging through my head....I think Chris is completely gone. Atleast the Chris I once knew. He is completely psycotic now! One moment I am like his best friend the next I am some raving bitch who couldnt mean less to him. I really dont need this right now either. Its scary because recently he has gotten violent. He completely flipped out on me today, and with my past, it just makes me want to run away from the world.
Of taking my writing and doing something with it. Every one tells me I can write and I have the talent, but in a way I fear it. I fear rejection and negative comments. Although the negativity only provides me with a reason to prove people wrong. I dont know what to do with my writing. I write and write but thats it. And my english teacher doesnt tell us about any writing contest things because in her words "you are honor students and can strive to do better things with your lives". But to me there is nothing better than writing and being a writer. So that kinda puts me in a tough situation. I am highly pissed off that my school dropped Advanced Creative Writing. And since my creative writing teacher is leaving I cant use him as my teacher in an Independent Study next year. I have disliked all but one of my last three English teachers so yet again I am screwed. My first english teacher didnt like me, my second one was the one i liked but she left and my third and present teacher obviously doesnt value writing as much as I do. ::sigh:: My writin' is going to hell.