Hehehehehehe. I dont usually say grumble when I am not in a bad mood but it seemed appropriate for the time being. Yup yup. So uh yah, one of my friends who shall remain nameless, a friend of the Allie Monster, says she likes me. Dunno if I believe that one. Dunno if I would want it to be true. I dont know what I want to be completely honest. I am lost at this point in time. It seems to be a permanent state these days.
So far so good here. Last night I purchased a airwalker, like those thing you see on tv with that blonde dude preaching that it WORKS! Not the advertisment that caught my attention but Walking alot does work. It wasnt the tv that convinced me, i wanted a trendmil but they didnt have any for cheap so I bought that instead. Will work out 25 mins a day.
Took my mother out for a treat for lunch at Pondo. Yummy.
i have a girlfriend! yes, it is long distance. but it doesn't matter cause i love her and she loves me. she said she doesn't mind waiting, that we can make it work together.
Okay, I hope this entry doesn't get too graphic ot "too much information" for any of you, but the topic has been on my mind.
A couple of weeks ago I was talking to my friend Chris about possibly dating this guy Rick. When I mentioned that I didn't think it was going to happen (mainly because I was interested in my current boyfriend), he said that he had figured it wasn't going to happen, anyway. Wondering what sort of secret Chris knew, I asked him why he thought that.
::swoons:: if it werent for the gay thing-id marry willow. she is so amazing on buffy. and next week on angel, the preview shows her bitch fighting it out with cordelia. OMG. cannot wait. and i sure as fuck need to figure out how to combine all the nicks. kadien with finn with nate with nico with nicholas-yes, the real me. oh well. it dodn't matter. yes, dodn't. i sound like one of the designing women on purpose. oh well. i dont care if anyone knows me like i am. it doesnt matter anymore. i dont sleep right cause i have a sleep disorder. i dont eat right cause i have intestinal diseases. i dont think right anymore because ive let all of these things drag me down. why i dont just get over my shit, i dont know. and why i let those goddamn people bother me into acting all stupid. i wish i could just act like me in public, instead of acting like how i think they want me to act. like a clown of course. i would i act respectable and or smart. id be asking too much of my subconscious. fuck it. i dont need friends outside of heather, jess, jen, chrix, and lauren. the last one sometimes though. i dont think theres a week one of she or i dont try to kill the other of she or i. and you know, itd just be so easy to just do all these not nice and evil spells and just hurt everyone and amass worse karma (as if its possible). cause i can. i know i can. ive done it before. they work. so why not just go all evil? itd be fine. and easy. soooooo easy. too damn bitter all the time. i never just smile for no reason anymore. i need to remember how to smile for no reason again. its a lost art, smiling is. now remembers simple joy. and talking to aldo is always such a fucking head trip. like, i hear he talks shit about me behind my back, yet hes so overly nice to me to my face. and its not even like hes two faced, cause he does pretty much say he doesnt like me, though he doesnt act it. its like mike, only opposite. lol. then again, i act that way towards people. its sorta karmatic. but thats not fair. i act that way out of inability to act any other way. its like i cant get close to that person. its blocked out of my head. i try but i simply cant deal, no matter the effort i put forth. at least heathre gets it. she just DOESNT ANSWER HER FUCKING PHONE! and why should she? she has a life other than her best friend, as demonstrated by going away to college. see, im allowed to be selfcentered and obnoxious in my blog, because my friends dont read it. at least not the ones id write about. and i could jdsalingerstreamofconsciousness this thing for hours on end. i just get so angry. and whats with that fucker never responding to IMs? what business of his is it to disappoint me or anyone else. and ooh-my phillip ridley book just walked in the door. my cousin had it. AND I CANNOT WAIT FOR THE ANGEL BITCH FIGHT NEXT WEEK. HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT. willow is sooooo amazing. i wanna marry her. a lot. and over and over and over. we could share spells, although i live in this real world, so i dont have spells to destroy the first evil, or beat up gods, or create snakes out of nowhere, or for that matter, restore the soul of the soulless. which is debating that last one. ahh well. the fucker still hasnt answered me. FUCK HIM THAT CRAP ASS FAGGOT PRICK. im done now. i love being schizophonic. yeah, phonic.-nate
I seem to be more of a giver. Touching a girl so shes in extacy makes me feel good.
I dont get touched much. Being touched makes me feel bad.
Bad touch. Good touch.
At the same time i feel undesired when I do all the work.
I want the roles to blend. And I want to have sex out of love. And I dont want to feel bad after I do it.
My mind is filled
filled with thoughts of you
my heart is filled
filled with animosity towards you
my eyes are blurred
blurred with visions of the present and future
my love will last
last for those who need it
I will move on
move on as soon as I let you go
For I will
I will push you out of my mind and heart
it will take time
time that I hope will be up soon.
Written for the one and only Allie monster and the future that I hope to be bright and happy.
Right now, anticipation is both a blessing and a curse. I left a note this morning on my mom's purse, telling her that I needed to talk to her sometime today, like after dinner or after my little sister goes to bed. She hasn't mentioned the note the few times we've spoken on the phone today, I'm assuming she's going to wait until we can actually have our talk.
*sigh* i don't know. i don't know much anymore. it just hurts inside.
::runs away to cry and be sad and lonely somewhere else:: sorry not feeling so happy right now. but i had to do something or i know i would have gone to find scissors....
I miss her...
I LOVE YOU LISA!!!!!!!!!!
I don't know how much my mother read, or how carefully, and that scares me. If she has she will know that I am not really a virgin because my best friend and I got a little carried away, she'll know about...