(I'm trying this, but I won't be on until tomorrow)
March 10, 2003
~Well, Rachael had a denist app. this morning so she didn't ride the bus. Joey told me she had been crying because Josh, Daniel and me had been ignoring her. And today when I saw her and was going to talk to her, she ignored me, so I'm pissed. Things were so much easier when we were just friends.
~Jonathan and Tim both came to me, seperately of course, and told me they might be bi, and not to tell anyone.
ah this whole thing is doing my head in. basically i'm seeinng this guy, but over the last couple of months i've been starting to think quite a lot about this girl i know. shes pretty much amazing, she beautiful shes funny we get on well, and shes bisexual. we've always flirted with each other, and then last friday we were flirting pretty heavily, an the next thing i knwo we're kissing. this repeats several times, then we went back to her flat an spent the night drinking and talking. nothing else happened, but theres such an edge between us, its prety clear we both wana screw each others brains out. thing is she's 8 years older than me, also sorta seein someone tho its not a big deal, and im pretty certain my best friend wil desert me if she found out. yeah so you think its not a big deal, two girl kiss, pretty normal, i want it to be more than that, i want to be with her really badly. on the other hand i gota conisder what my friends will do, and the guy im seeing, i love him to bits but id end it if i knew i coudl be with her. ha how teen magazine do i sound.
I am sorry that I am bothering you all again...but I was sitting here looking at the little bulletin board my mum has and theres a post card there that I have to describe. It has a picture of a highway with three signs. The far left lane has a sign that says "Gay" the far right has one that says "Bi" and the middle has a sign that says "Straight" with a mini sign underneath that reads "Be Honest" I thought I would share that cause I think its cute.
If you're in love with your best friend and have been trying to tell them, but they keep denying it [because that would mean we both would be lesbians]and you suddenly stop talking to you best friend because you can't bear to be just friends with them. Now when you bump into them and they ask you why you havent been talking to them, and you just say you've told them over and over and now you want to just let go.
My my my... all right, lets see if I can get all of this down. *takes deep breath* Here we go...
My life at the current moment in a nutshell:
So yah ::dances around happily:: Had a bad day but its okay (I just rhymed!)cause someone responded to my last blog and that comment made me happy...but sad. ::grumbles:: Nothing can work out right when it involves me. La la la al al al. I have a crush on a person, and I know I shouldn't cause its not gonna work atleast not right now, but I do. ::sigh:: Stupid blonde me. I really hope though that her friend doesn't hate me.
Okay, I thought of some quotes...
I spent the day with my boyfriend yesterday and I had a wonderful time. It was strange to be with him here, near my home. We went to all of the normal places, places where I could easily run into people I know, and I enjoyed the thrill of it. It didn't matter, because I loved being with him.
We started our day by going to lunch at some place way out in the middle of nowhere. The waitresses' names were Billie and Becky Lou and the like, and the parking lot was filled with pickup trucks. Before we got out of the car, he gave me a flower, and I had to try my hardest not to kiss him right there. I reminded him that we had to be discrete, though; I pointed out where we were. "There are plenty of fences for us to be tied to out here," I told him. It wasn't as melodramatic as it sounds. We both smiled. We had just seen The Laramie Project, both a stage version and the movie, the week before, and it was sort of a catalyst for the relationship.
I am back. I've been gone due to recent surgery and haven't been able reach a computer. But I am back! I was thinking the other day,(yes I know, run and hide)how family will betray family. How they will take dark secrets and use them against you.
Well, its been almost a full moon cycle since I have made a blog. NOt much is new really with me, work work and more work. talking to americans all day certainly tires me out. I think it would tire anyone out.
I have been gettn some signals from a cute boy who fancies me I guess, Could be an opertunity to boost my waining sex life, ever since the vanilla cop episode I have been longing (no pun intended) for some good hardcore action.
Oh wow, I can
Aarrgh... Here's the deal. I came home last Friday for spring break. I'll be leaving next Sunday. There's a very good chance that I'll be on the Standing Committee for Gay and Lesbian Student Needs next school year. If this happens, I'll be out to everyone at school. I want to be able to share with my mom the news I get over whether or not I get accepted for the committee, but to do that, I obviously have to come out to her. This isn't something that I want to keep having to hide. Before coming home, I decided that I was definitely going to come out to my mom while home.
I'm really just blogging for the sake of blogging. The infernal television stole my soul! Againe! I truely meant to DO
cough, choke, throw it up; purge the truth 'cause my stomach aint got that much room. watch it trickle down the steel bars of the street drain, down between autumn leaves blown away by autumn rain. empty is how i'd like to feel today becasue the leaves go straight from green to brown and i've been up so high now i know there's no place to go but down.
and with every thought the sun's light wains and my perspective changes from meek to bleaker. i know there's others taking the same flight - fluttering- i feel them sometimes as nothing more than a constant shudder of the prayer of pain to a god of neccesity but, oh, sadness is all bravado. if you only know what i know. you see, my tears have entitled me to this; it is a badge of honor of which you couldn't possibly distinguish. becasue alone in the darkness is where i stand and maybe one of these days i will yell to be saved but what is depression without descretion; silence pleases satisfaction; my situation is unknown to all.