Over the last few years, I've been trying to assert my identity and I've run into some problems as a gay black male. I don't seem to exist. At least not in the sense of having a visible and accessible community to fall back on. During the entirety of my coming out and my identity development process I've understood this to en extend but still tried to explore the communities open to me. At the time that I was coming out this meant exploring gayness and getting a feeling for gay culture. I failed at joining some type of larger gay community in high school or finding a group with any strong gay identity (except for this one youth center) and I had no idea how to incorporate my gayness and blackness.
Have you ever gotten that one phone call where everything stops and all u can hear is your heart racing and the other person
As I write these words I am seething towards my parents.
I don't even like that word for them.
Granted there are worse.
However, my mother's control issues piss me off to no end.
I'm 18 years of age. I can legally vote, smoke, buy porn and rent a hotel room.
I cannot, however, take walks at night. Go anywhere alone. Use public transit. She expects the school to call if I don't show up to my 7:00 AM class (when school starts ay 8:00) because I might have died on the way there.
First of all, I really (and I hate to ask for this, here or anywhere, but it is a necessity) need a livejournal code. If anyone has an extra one (or something. I'm not 100% sure how the code thing works) and would be willing to give it to a stranger in need, email me at email@example.com.
Aside from that, some random snippety drabble things I have written recently:
Did you every cry so hard you soul bled out I never have but I think I would very much like too and I never cry it is almost a physical impossiblity for me and why does it hurt so much to not hurt numbness is never good and I
I can count how many times I felt cool since puberty on one hand, but today, I realized just how cool I am. I won
Oh the afternoon. The sun is out and if I were outside I might hear birds and see squirrels. Mother nature is dangling the sensations of spring in my face, the sick motherfucker!
All Alone All Alone
I went everyone to know
This is who I am, This is who I am
But what if I'm not what I say
Its a lie, Its a lie
Just like before
I want an excuse
An excuse to be depressed
Im telling myelf a lie to be different
I brainwashed myself
I dont know the truth
Who I am, What I say, nothing is true
I just want attention
I want everyone to see me
I want to be noticed
I feel confined when no one knows
So were going to the bar to play pool...sounds like fun...
volunteering. intellectual illumination. an apology.
So hey, I haven't written much in a while.
So I've got a significant other, I suppose. I'm pretty sure I'd call him my "boyfriend," but I've come to the understanding that this is something one asks, and not something one assumes.
At any rate, so much to talk about.
It all started about two months ago. I was talking to Alex online, and he told me that he was talking to this guy Alfred; someone who had contacted me, but I didn't feel any "chemistry," and I don't think he did either. So, nothing came of that. Alex was SO upset about this. He accused me of all sorts of things. In the end, he and Stef, my two best friends, said that I should give people a chance, and to lower my expectations a bit. So, I did, sorta.
I tried locating those lost seven hours...but to no avail. Oh well, all is good in the House of Debauchery.
What is wrong with strait friends? Maybe its just my strait friends. Take my best friend for example; She is one of my favorite people in the whole world, and I love her to death, but every now and again she will say or do something amazingly rude, or make some narrow minded assumption. There is a huge disparity there, something that we can't seem to overcome. On some level we just don't understand where eachother is coming from.